Monday, July 30, 2018

Plimberton Testimony Exonerates Estelita

Estelita, acting as her own counsel and in lawyer mode, seemed very professional, better than those lawyers on TV. She held a clipboard and paced in front of the witness, then she asked him a juggernaut of questions, referring to herself in the third person. "Did you get help from Estelita to kill Clift Barwell?"

"No way!"

"Did she help you escape in any way?"

"No way!"

"Do you think this is a big waste of time?"

At this point the D.A. sprung up. "Objection! Leading the witness!"

But the country judge just sat silently, staring at his broken gavel.

"No more questions, your honor." And Estelita was finished. "The defense rests."

The D.A. proceeded with cross examination, and boy, she sounded very cross. "Well, you have already admitted it under oath, so how did you kill Clift Barwell?"

"Did you see the judge kill that fly?"

"Please answer the question."

"It was just like that!"

"Where is the body?"

"It's right there," he pointed at the fly in front of the defense counsel, "on the table."

"Barwell's body!"

"I watch TV. If you have a corpse, you might charge me."

"No further questions."

Estelita remained seated. "Me neither. No further questions. This should go to the jury as soon as possible."

The courtroom sketch artist cringed and grabbed a blue crayon as Estelita lowered her face down about two inches from the mashed fly on her table. She gently blew on it and the fly sprung to life.

Plimberton stumbled on his way back to seat number three in the jury box, accidentally sitting on the lap of a corpulent woman, a fellow jury member.

The fly flew straight across the room and began circling the judges head. It was time for deliberations.

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Unexpected Twist at Estelita Trial

A technician twisted his ankle as he rushed to block cameras with a "cut to commercial" cue card. All Hell broke loose when Estelita, acting as her own counsel, called a surprise witness and engineers refused to air the sponsor's message. The dumbfounded judge shattered his corn-cob gavel as he slammed it on the bench and coincidentally smashed a fly which had been bothering everyone.

It was not clear if the applause in the courtroom was for the extermination of the fly, or if it was for the surprise witness. Shellacked corn could be heard crunching and cracking under the leather soled boots of Billy Plimberton as he approached the bench. Never before has a member of the jury been called upon to testify as a witness in court, but as counsel pointed out, none of the law books in the library of the jail had mentioned any rules against it.

The judge flicked the flattened fly with his finger. It spun across the room and landed on Estelita's table and she gently scooted it away from the edge as if she were protecting it.

The bailiff stopped Plimberton before he could sit down. "Do you swear..."

"Hell yeah!" retorted Plimberton.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" he said.

Suddenly Plimberton's tone changed as he glanced down at his hand on the Bible. It was the same Bible used as a prop on The Children Who Need Help Orphanage TV show. The last time Plimberton had seen that book was when he and his dad, played by Clift Barwell, were reading the story of how Jesus had spun thread out of sugar to entertain the toddlers of the Hebrew merchants. Time had reversed the relationship. His hand now seemed oversized when previously it was dwarfed by the book which impressed viewers with its biblical proportions. The little boy struggled awkwardly to get the volume down from the bookshelf. He held the it over his head in triumph, and then fell off balance--backward--to be caught with laughter by his dad's waiting arms in that episode long ago. A lifetime had passed since that day of familial joy so many years before.

Plimberton just stared at the Bible as he pulled his hand away. "Sure. I will tell the truth."

District Attorney asks Pointed Questions on Day Two of Estelita Trial

Who would have thought that Estelita would answer in such a concise and clear way? Obviously, the district attorney came into court fired up and ready to put Estelita on the spot. She wanted to get the testimony on the record and under oath. She thought Estelita would be evasive or lie--and she did neither. "I thought my strategy was a home run," said the D.A. later that day, "Her answer just blew me away!"

The district attorney, whose name is not known by this reporter, approached the accused with caution, probably because of the mysterious powder blown into her cleavage the day before. Wearing an oddly unseasonal turtle-neck sweater, she stopped six feet away and raised her voice, "Do you know the whereabouts of Billy Plimberton, the leader of the terrorist group, Naptimez Ova!?"

For a moment, Estelita hesitated, her balled-up fist in her lap. Then she responded. "Sure I do."

An audible hush overcame the ambiance of the courtroom. Even the air-conditioning stopped as if waiting for clarification.

The D.A. followed up. "Well, where is he?"

Estelita jutted her chin and gestured towards the jury box.

"Let the record show that the defendant has just identified juror number three as Billy Plimberton." Juror number three, wearing sunglasses and an orange cap, the same juror who was identified as the lone protester who somehow ended up in the jury box, was Billy Plimberton.

The country judge struggled, but remained ignored. The D.A. fumbled as her legal pad slipped to the floor and she accidentally kicked it. Estelita held out her hand and admired her manicure and Juror number three grinned.

Thursday, July 26, 2018

District Attorney Returns to Court Wearing a Different Outfit

A newly composed district attorney returned to court wearing a winter-season  outfit, even though it is still summer. She let out a gasp of horror when she realized that the court session had continued without her and Estelita was presenting to the jury with a deck of over-sized tarot cards.

"You are from the Southwest Area, aren't you?" she said to juror number five. "And you come from a nice family and a you drive a Chrysler. Is your name David Perez?"

The juror responded with utter disbelief. "Yes! David Chrysler, I mean Perez!"

"I object!" stated the district attorney, whose pantsuit bore a faint aroma of mothballs.

"You will find love very soon," With her bright red lipstick, Estelita's encouraging smile was unmistakable.

Juror number five shifted to the edge of his seat.

"I object!"

But the judge just sat there, unable to lift his gavel and hissing air like an inner tube floating down a country creek, an inner tube with a leak.

"I'm next!" stated juror number six.

Estelita Hijacks Court as District Attorney has Itching Attack

Completely out of character, Judge Cludderman sat in mute silence as the district attorney tore into famed psychic, Estelita, with questions.

"Is Clift Barwell still alive?! She leaned down into the defendant's face with a scowl.

Just then, Estelita unclenched her fist in front of her face and blew into it. The district attorney began scratching her cleavage and arms, and then excused herself for a bathroom break.

Cludderman, unable to call a recess, sat helplessly as Estelita turned to the jury to answer the question.

Estelita stood up, paced to the jury box, and said, "Sure he's still alive. Clift Barwell lives on in all of those hit shows, Jerik the Dolphin Trainer and The Children Who need Help Orphanage and that orange juice commercial." Then she winked at a jury member who was wearing an orange cap.

By using facial recognition software, a Bluegreenplant reporter was able to determine who that jury member was. It was the same lone protester who had been driven away by security forces days earlier. Somehow he had managed to get selected and planted in the jury!

Country Judge Mute!

The criminal charges read against Estelita in court today could only be described as a veritable cornucopia of crime. A titter of laughter echoed through the courtroom as the defendant, acting as her own counsel, declared herself not guilty.

She is being charged with contempt of court and giving aid and comfort to a terrorist organization. The district attorney also piled on last-minute charges of murder, destruction of property and conspiracy to commit murder--citing the untimely and mysterious disappearance of Judge Plankon G. Smith, the jurist originally assigned to this case.

"Not guilty as well," she deadpanned.

This time the titter of laughter in the courtroom was met by a resounding bang of Country Judge's custom made left-handed pewter and corn cob gavel. "There will be no laughter in this courtroom unless I make a joke!" he announced.

Up to the time this article went to press, those words have been the last words of the Country Judge. He began to cough and gag and when the bailiff gave him a glass of water, it seemed like his vocal cords short-circuited as if water had been spilled into a microphone. Air came out, but no sound.

"I am ready to read my client's statement, if you don't mind," stated Estelita, who, of course, was speaking on behalf of herself. "You are to listen in complete silence, focus on me."

The analog clock hanging on the wall seemed to tick-tock at an increased volume as the courtroom spasmed into an extended silence. Then, Estelita glared at the clock and it stopped, as if it were waiting, along with everyone else.

Her statement was concise. "Just because my client knows the future doesn't mean that she caused it. Exactly because of this true fact, I predict that the jury will not only find Estelita innocent, but they will also apologize to me for wasting my time."

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Country Judge Rumored to be on Chopping Block

It turns out that the recent skyrocketing ratings for the TV program, Country Judge, starring Judge Cludderman have been proven to be falsified by a hacker who attended the same church as the judge. Network executives, as a consequence, have quickly shifted the program to the chopping block.

The show's producers were banking on it rising in market share now that the case of Miami psychic, Estelita, has finally gotten under way. Estelita has been accused of giving aid to a terrorist organization, the youth gang, Naptimez Ova!. She has garnered a reputation for using colorful language and making offbeat predictions.

TV critic Benjie Mackintire of the website Benjie's Bombs explains it in this way. "Cludderman won't stop talking. He hogs the show. He is too much in love with his own voice. He tries to be folksy, but it seems forced."

As a result of the limited number of remaining episodes, Estelita's trial will have to be wrapped up within the next few days, with the jury deliberating over the weekend.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

A Folksy Start For Country Judge

 "When I was a little boy back in Cass County, my friends and I had a little fishin' hole and we didn't want to share it with anyone else cause we could catch some hum-dingers with just worms, a hook and some string, some real whoppers, " began the speech by Judge Cludderman.

"I object!" It was Estelita, acting as her own counsel. She proceeded to move for a mistrial, but a commercial break was called instead so that a juror could be awakened.

The legal fireworks are scheduled to continue tomorrow.

Monday, July 23, 2018

Court is in Session

As the district attorney read charges against Estelita in court today, a member of the jury yawned seven times on camera in the background and for this reason the scene had to be re-recorded several times.

"I think we gave Cludderman too much leeway in jury selection. Looks like we got some real doozies out there in the box," stated TV producer, Mel Clayton, who has been working on the show Country Judge since it began earlier this year. "I think this is going to be a long trial."

It has been said that Estelita will address the court tomorrow, acting as her own counsel.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Lone Protester Disappeared by Security

Court is in session! A press release from a major TV company says all systems are go for the case of Estelita vs the District Attorney on the much beloved and highly rated TV show, Country Judge. 

Judge Cludderman hit the road to preside over the trial, which is currently in jury selection. The distinguished judge was heard to say, "I want a good looking jury. Surly the defense and prosecution can agree to that. I don't want anyone who looks as if they are taking liver medicine or have an abusive spouse. If the camera zooms in and viewers go for their remote, we have a problem."

 But that was not the only thing on Cludderman's mind. "And that protester outside the courthouse, I want him gone." Upon hearing those words, a security detail rushed to the front of the courthouse and resolved the problem.

"We won't have any more problems with that protester," said Mel Binghampton, head of security.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Conflicts Resolved, The Show Must Go On

The conflicts in scheduling which have held up the trial of Estelita have been resolved and proceedings should begin this week.

"Poor Estelita had to rot in jail and wait for him. This is hardly fair and I suspect that the judge will not give her a fair trial due to pressures from the Barwell Cartel," stated a lone protester outside of the Miami Dade County courthouse. Wearing an orange cap and with a half sandwich in his cargo pants pocket, he carried a large placard which read Free Estelita in a very neat, yet juvenile script.

When the Bluegreenplant reporter noted the strong language, the protester said that he was madder than a hothouse rat and would monitor the entire trial, since he did not have a job. The protester refused to give his name.

The new judge, Judge Cludderman, was delayed in Nebraska, wrapping up the shooting of his hit show, Country Judge. He currently has a first class ticket to South Florida, where Estelita's trial will take place. The upcoming segment is being heavily hyped as Country Judge Hits The Road.

Still, the chatter around local circles has no mention of the whereabouts of Naptimez Ova! or Clift Barwell.