Monday, March 19, 2018

Fair Weather Cheers Up Naptimez Ova

A break in the bleak Southern Indiana weather, punctuated by a big, round, sun, surrounded by a sky of Hoosier blue seems to have refueled the youth gang, known as Naptimez Ova!, into a happy, boisterous, group of children. They played soccer, had a snowball fight, and even had a cartwheel contest.

"I haven't had so much fun in years!" shouted a young female who sported a tattoo which read "Naptime" in a circle with a red slash through it on the small of her back. "Everyone is in a good mood, even Billy!"

Sure enough, Billy Plimberton was in such a good mood, that he invited our Bluegreenplant reporter to rejoin the army in an embedded capacity. "No hard feelings!" Plimberton said to the reporter--and then proceeded to sing to no one in particular. As he sang he extended his arms and spun like Julie Andrews on an alpine mountaintop in The Sound of Music. "It is so great to have the sun out! I feel like a kid again!"

Just then, our Bluegreenplant reporter stepped in a thawing cow paddie. "I bet you haven't felt this way since you were in the the orphanage and Clift Barwell came and adopted you, right?"

A cloud audibly covered the sun and Plimberton grimaced. "You are unembedded again!" he growled.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Pope takes a Shine to Golden dome

The archdiocese is looking more and more like an arch-enemy since Billy Plimberton's credit check pulled a reverse-Lazurus. When his bank account flat-lined, he sat on a tree stump and, like any responsible leader, made some business calls. His persistence paid off and he finally got through to the administrators at the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage.

The conversation did not go over well. Like a mildewed communion wafer, it left Naptimez Ova! with a bad taste in its mouth. Apparently Church officials swooped in and took over the orphanage in a maneuver referred to as Papal Absorption.

The Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage is now the Pope Francisco Charter School for Gifted Geniuses. Billy was shocked to hear that the old wrinkled receipt he had just unfolded from his wallet was obsolete and that lawyers for God had transferred title for the golden dome and statue of a unicorn family to the Catholic Church under the guise of being for the greater good.

Dumbstruck,  Plimberton sat in silence with his phone in his hand as snowflakes piled up one by one on his head. A Bluegreenplant reporter, sensing that something was wrong, gingerly pried the cellphone from his fingers. Using journalism interrogation techniques this reporter was able to ascertain what happened to the solid gold dome that once adorned the building where the happy tots celebrated with the parents who unfortunately did not sign long term contracts.

The shiny cupola was shipped to Spain, where it was melted down to be made into a relief statue of Jesus comforting a toddler whose crops had suffered drought and withered. The sculpture was then shipped to the Vatican and placed on the wall of the foyer of the Cardinals' lounge. The unicorn family unfortunately slipped off a barge while crossing choppy waters over the Marianas Trench on its way to China, where it was to be given to a public official in exchange for a permit to build the largest cathedral in the world. A video of that mishap is still top trending on YouTube under the title Unicorns Miss the Ark Again.

It looks like Billy Plimberton and Naptimez Ova! are going to have to get jobs.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Indiana Cashier Heartbreak

"I never felt so bad. I really broke his heart," commented cashier Melanie Florence at the Cheese n Crackerz Restaurant on Interstate 70. "I regret my actions so much. I can't get that look he had on his face out of my mind." She was referring to the blindsided look of shock and heartbreak on Billy Plimberton's face when he realized that he and his gang had run their billion dollars of funds dry.

The marauding gang stopped by the restaurant for soup and when it came time to pay the bill, big spender Billy Plimberton discovered he was penniless.

"I don't know why I followed the instructions of some jerk on the phone who told me to cut up his credit card." Florence glanced at the scissors in an open drawer and slammed it shut. "He just stood there with his mouth open and those puppy dog eyes; I told him the soup was on me and he and his friends walked out like zombies. It was awful."

When a Bluegreenplant reporter asked Ms Florence how she would be able to pay the bill for such a huge crowd, she gave an awkward smile and admitted, "Oh, I won't be able to pay for it either."

This got the manager's attention and she was out of a job. Melanie didn't even come back inside when she marched out the door and the chilling cold let her know that her coat was still inside the restaurant.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

When Plimberton Army is Refused Service at Sonic, All Hell Breaks Loose

In spite of the bulging wads of cash in leader Billy Plimberton's pockets, the employees at a fast-food restaurant in eastern Indiana decided to exercise their right to refuse service to anyone.

"We were not open to walk ups," insisted the manager, Terre Haute South Vigo High School graduate, Marvin Lee. "And our charter clearly states: Fast-food burger & fries joint with an old-school feel, including retro drive-in service. Drive in service means you have to have a vehicle. That group of wannabe thugs did not even have a car."

"It wasn't the wannabe thugs comment that really sent me through the roof," said Plimberton to a patrolman who was taking the incident report. Plimberton's teeth were chattering and his face was blue from the cold as he tightly wrapped himself in a service blanket from the trunk of a patrolman's cruiser. "It was the fact that the employee said he would not serve us because he was a big fan of Clift Barwell. I just lost it!"

Security footage of the incident reveals that Lee was wearing a Jerick the Dolphin Trainer T-Shirt during the incident.

Manager Marvin Lee called authorities from the roof of the restaurant where he positioned himself with a high powered fire hose which he used to douse Naptimez Ova! with icy water. Cops,who responded in riot gear, found the threat totally pacified and ordered some made-to-order American classics, signature menu items, and speedy service from friendly carhops full of fun and personality.

Plimberton and his army took their money to Arby's on Joe Fox Street, across from Affordable Dentures.

Friday, March 09, 2018

Bluegreen Power Plant Reporter Unembedded

The only reporter from a major news agency to be embedded into the Plimberton Army has been shunned and rejected, just for asking a question.

The reporter tossed and turned during his afternoon nap in front of a brick fireplace at the Lodge Hotel and Relaxation Spa off of Highway number 70. A gruff Billy Plimberton shouted, "You're unembedded!" over and over in this reporter's dreams, having a nightmare effect.

The rejection was precipitated by a Bluegreenplant observation that Plimberton had broken his own commandment when a chill of wind slammed open the door of an outhouse he had been using behind an abandoned Circle K. He shouted something about his urine stream freezing in this damn cold.

The Bluegreenplant reporter, who had been the next one in line for the facility, chose to walk to the Lodge Hotel and Relaxation Spa and use the facilities there when he learned that he had been unembedded.

Thursday, March 08, 2018

Plimberton Army Miracle

Freezing cold seasonable weather slowed the Plimberton Army, also known as Naptimez Ova!, as it approached the border with Illinois and Indiana. Still, spirits are high among the leadership. Shivering and hiding any signs of weakness, Billy Plimberton announced that the ranks of the army had swelled. "People want to join us. This is the heartland of the USA and people here really like to fight for what is right! They relate to our story. Our cause is just!" He gestured his arm towards a roadside field occupied by thousands of soldiers, standing erect and awaiting orders. Just then, a perfectly-formed stone tablet materialized in Plimberton's hands. "I found this under the overpass out there." Steam came out of the nostrils of a very animated Plimberton.

He read the one commandment from the tablet. "No complaining about the cold!" he said. Then he flung the commandment away. It spun and glided in an upward curve to the side, shifted downward, and then, as if it were doing a karate chop, disappeared with a hack into the white snow. It wasn't stone after all.  It was styrofoam.

The Bluegreenplant reporter tried to get more answers, but Plimberton just turned and marched on, giving our reporter the cold shoulder. The army filed out for a seemingly endless stretch of time, but a number of soldiers remained behind--standing in the snowfield at rapt attention. Before going into the news-van for some Cup-a-soup, the Bluegreenplant reporter attempted to interact with one of these soldiers. No response. It turned out that the soldiers in the field were a thousand perfectly formed snowmen.

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Expanding Plimberton Army Returns to Saint Louis

Naptimez Ova! returned to Saint Louis with expanded membership, expanded waistbands, and with a leader who described himself as "madder than an orphan whose long-lost dad shows up, raises his hopes, only to drop them from a point of sky-high ratings and ego!"

Plimberton then shook an angry fist and had to breathe deep in order to calm down and pull several large bills out a diminishing wad of cash from his pocket. "This will cover the burgers and malts for the army," he said to an infatuated waitress on roller skates. "Keep the change!" The young lady swooned as the leader put on a pair of sunglasses from a dubious rest area.

When the Plimberton Army continued they were right on course--eastward on Interstate 70.

Sunday, March 04, 2018

Plimberton Claims Westward Drive Was not an Error

Naptimez Ova!, the street gang, is retracing its steps after having pie in Topeka, Kansas. "We knew all along that we were going the wrong way, I mean, west." He looked at the pie shop's neon sign and then towards the eastern horizon. "We took the longer route so we could recruit for our army," announced the leader.

Evidence indicates that Plimberton was not mistaken. The membership of Naptimez Ova!, according to records, has more than doubled since its arrival in Topeka.

"Any more free pie?" asked one of the new membership.

"Now, we march!" replied Plimberton decisively. They were last seen heading towards Washington, D.C. One of the new recruits played a marching song on the harmonica until it was unceremoniously slapped out of his hands. He had made an unfortunate choice: the theme from Jerik the Dolphin Trainer.