Saturday, November 25, 2017

Confusion at the US Capitol

The floodgates of chaos burst open as an impostor was spotted in a secure area of the Capitol as well as a Wendy's restaurant.

"Literally," said the head of security. "I have a panel of video feed monitors and it's my job to watch them constantly. I realized that an impostor was walking around and looking at stuff. I pushed the panic button when I noticed he was up in the dome. Only the exterminators are allowed up there."

The reporter from Blue Green Plant was about to ask another question, but the security head beat him to the punch and answered it before it could be asked.

"This imposter was dressed as a secret service agent, but I zoomed in the camera and noticed that the badge he was wearing had a squirrel on it." He showed the reporter how the zoom functioned by revealing that a speck on the floor was actually a cockroach walking down a hallway. "Regular Secret Service agents don't have squirrels on their badges."

The security expert was obviously starved for human interaction, but this reporter had a deadline to meet. He used an old journalist's trick for dealing with long-winded interviewees. "So all's well that ends well?"

"Yes. the impostor has been neutralized. He is a non issue," he added.

"Thank you so much. Perfect epilogue."

"But?"

A handshake, and the interview was thankfully over.

At the Wendy's Restaurant across the street from the Capitol, Lalondra Monroe, a cashier, remembered Barwell as an Ultimate Chicken Grill Combo and a bottled water. "He definitely stood out. Number one: because of the fake Russian accent, and number two: because he was so damn jittery."

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Naptimez Ova Spotted on Plane to Northwest

"We are going out to hunt Bigfoot," exclaimed Billy Plimberton with swagger. The de-facto leader of the Naptimez Ova! gang flashed a boarding pass which he printed at the Mulch Park Municipal Library for seventy-five cents.

The reporter for Bluegreenplant was not tricked by the dodgery. "Why really are you going to Washington?" asked the professional reporter, who is more professional than Tabby Lane, because Ms. Lane has been known to interject herself into a story in a vain attempt to shift the focus to herself.

"Just keep your eye on the obituaries!" nodded Plimberton as two of his fellow thugs laughed. "We've tracked him down!"

Apparently Plimberton was referring to his projected victim, actor Clift Barwell, whom he has sworn revenge upon for bad reality-show parenting. When a news outlet interviewing Barwell (i.e. Tabby Lane) recently let it slip that the Washington Monument was visible from the secret interview location, Plimberton googled his travel agent for tickets to Seattle. Plimberton apparently is functioning under the false belief that the Washington Monument is in the Pacific Northwest.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Barwell Successfully Escapes Mulch Park

After assurances that his location would remain the utmost secret, actor Clift Barwell agreed to an interview with Bluegreenplant reporter Tabby Lane at the ********* coffee shop in *********. Perhaps he trusted her because of her refined, British accent. Perhaps it was because of her sterling reputation as a journalist.

"I escaped with this secret service uniform I got in a Halloween store in Mulch Park. They don't have a very good selection there. That's why I had to come here, to (this undisclosed location). It is the only place where I would not look out of place.

"Do you finally feel safe?" asked Lane as she sipped her coffee, the sun appeared eclipsed by the Washington Monument.

"Yes. I finally feel like my living hell is over. It's definitely no fun being in constant danger from a gang of disgusting cowardly thugs who still think they are cute," he replied as he waved an envelope in the air with triumph.

"What is that you are waving around?" asked Lane.

"It's a residual. I am still getting paychecks because that stupid reality show with those kids went into syndication! Ka-ching!" He made a gesture like he was pulling an old-fashioned cash register.

At this point, Tabby Lane, award winning reporter, had to forgo her legal pad of questions in order to beat the heavy rush-hour beltway traffic.