Saturday, November 25, 2017

Confusion at the US Capitol

The floodgates of chaos burst open as an impostor was spotted in a secure area of the Capitol as well as a Wendy's restaurant.

"Literally," said the head of security. "I have a panel of video feed monitors and it's my job to watch them constantly. I realized that an impostor was walking around and looking at stuff. I pushed the panic button when I noticed he was up in the dome. Only the exterminators are allowed up there."

The reporter from Blue Green Plant was about to ask another question, but the security head beat him to the punch and answered it before it could be asked.

"This imposter was dressed as a secret service agent, but I zoomed in the camera and noticed that the badge he was wearing had a squirrel on it." He showed the reporter how the zoom functioned by revealing that a speck on the floor was actually a cockroach walking down a hallway. "Regular Secret Service agents don't have squirrels on their badges."

The security expert was obviously starved for human interaction, but this reporter had a deadline to meet. He used an old journalist's trick for dealing with long-winded interviewees. "So all's well that ends well?"

"Yes. the impostor has been neutralized. He is a non issue," he added.

"Thank you so much. Perfect epilogue."

"But?"

A handshake, and the interview was thankfully over.

At the Wendy's Restaurant across the street from the Capitol, Lalondra Monroe, a cashier, remembered Barwell as an Ultimate Chicken Grill Combo and a bottled water. "He definitely stood out. Number one: because of the fake Russian accent, and number two: because he was so damn jittery."

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Naptimez Ova Spotted on Plane to Northwest

"We are going out to hunt Bigfoot," exclaimed Billy Plimberton with swagger. The de-facto leader of the Naptimez Ova! gang flashed a boarding pass which he printed at the Mulch Park Municipal Library for seventy-five cents.

The reporter for Bluegreenplant was not tricked by the dodgery. "Why really are you going to Washington?" asked the professional reporter, who is more professional than Tabby Lane, because Ms. Lane has been known to interject herself into a story in a vain attempt to shift the focus to herself.

"Just keep your eye on the obituaries!" nodded Plimberton as two of his fellow thugs laughed. "We've tracked him down!"

Apparently Plimberton was referring to his projected victim, actor Clift Barwell, whom he has sworn revenge upon for bad reality-show parenting. When a news outlet interviewing Barwell (i.e. Tabby Lane) recently let it slip that the Washington Monument was visible from the secret interview location, Plimberton googled his travel agent for tickets to Seattle. Plimberton apparently is functioning under the false belief that the Washington Monument is in the Pacific Northwest.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Barwell Successfully Escapes Mulch Park

After assurances that his location would remain the utmost secret, actor Clift Barwell agreed to an interview with Bluegreenplant reporter Tabby Lane at the ********* coffee shop in *********. Perhaps he trusted her because of her refined, British accent. Perhaps it was because of her sterling reputation as a journalist.

"I escaped with this secret service uniform I got in a Halloween store in Mulch Park. They don't have a very good selection there. That's why I had to come here, to (this undisclosed location). It is the only place where I would not look out of place.

"Do you finally feel safe?" asked Lane as she sipped her coffee, the sun appeared eclipsed by the Washington Monument.

"Yes. I finally feel like my living hell is over. It's definitely no fun being in constant danger from a gang of disgusting cowardly thugs who still think they are cute," he replied as he waved an envelope in the air with triumph.

"What is that you are waving around?" asked Lane.

"It's a residual. I am still getting paychecks because that stupid reality show with those kids went into syndication! Ka-ching!" He made a gesture like he was pulling an old-fashioned cash register.

At this point, Tabby Lane, award winning reporter, had to forgo her legal pad of questions in order to beat the heavy rush-hour beltway traffic.

Monday, October 09, 2017

Clift Barwell Injures Hand While Buying Seven Halloween Costumes

Security video from a costume store shows actor Clift Barwell accidentally stapling his hand to a piece of paper while buying seven disguises from a Halloween store in the downtown area of Mulch Park.

"I thought it was a gag. I just feel terrible for laughing," said Mimi Schrader with a light southern drawl and a shrug. "He seemed so nervous. I just thought he was, you know, flirting..."

According to the video, Barwell bought a tiger costume, a Secret Squirrel costume, a secret service agent costume, a turnip costume and two more which were blurry. Experts, after observing the video, assert that he bought the disguises in order to better hide from Naptimez Ova!, the scary street gang led by a re-energized Billy Plimberton, who has sworn revenge on Barwell for leaving his reality show when ratings dipped.

When asked where he went, Ms.Schrader pointed to the door. "Just look for the guy with the bunch of coupons in his hand." Video testifies to the veracity of her response to Bluegreenplant reporters.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Judge Cludderman Lets Plimberton off With a Hand Slap

Unemployed actor Clift Barwell has cried foul at the recent judgment which concluded the case of sunglasses thief, Billy Plimberton. "A hunting we will go!" spattered Barwell into the previously clean microphone of a Bluegreenplant reporter. "That's what he was singing as he walked free!" Barwell was referring to the comments of Little Billy Plimberton, the leader of the Naptimez Ova! street gang who has sworn to travel to the ends of the Earth to get revenge on Barwell, his deadbeat father from a defunct reality show. "I'm in danger! They want to hunt me down!"

It seems that Judge Cludderman decided to go easy on Plimberton after he heard testimony about what a rough childhood Plimberton and others had in their orphanage. The judge recounted a story about a fishing hole and Plimberton politely listened. Plimberton complimented the judge's fancy watch and asked if he could buy it. After making the purchase, he let the judge keep it as a gift. When Plimberton offered to wash the Judge's Cadillac Escalade, the kind country judge's heart melted. "You are hereby absolved of the charges. And you can keep the glasses you allegedly stole," he said with a wink and a blow from the gavel.

Outside the courthouse, in spite of the crowds of reporters, Clift Barwell feared for his life. "Owww!" he shouted in pain.

A newly free Billy Plimberton had just walked past him on the sidewalk and "accidentally" stepped on his foot.