Saturday, August 13, 2016

Duckton Dunks on Dafferty

Runaway actor Clift Barwell has appeared in a cafe in Mulch Park, Nebraska where he claims to have been bullied out of his safe-haven in the Center of the Earth. 

The Natural Thunder Cafe is situated right next to a cave, which neighborhood children insist leads to the Center of the Earth. Actor Clift Barwell, presumed missing, dead, or both, has appeared in a booth at the cafe. "That's one hell of a hike," Barwell was quoted as saying. "The escalator was out," he chortled, getting a lot of attention from onlookers. Some acted as if they were seeing a ghost.

As he munched on an oozing burrito, Barwell became animated and an audience began to gather. "Although I was developing a fan base in the Center of the Earth, I have come back at the behest of my fans on the surface, but I'm not staying without security. I insist on security from day one. Deal?" A middle aged man at his table high-fived him.

A waitress poured him some iced green tea. He took a sip and pointed at the glass. "Please, I need one and a half more teaspoons of coconut palm sugar in that. I was safe in the Center of the Earth! Until reporters started asking around for me. I'm too famous!" He displayed his signature smile. "Next thing I know is I have a full police escort to the nearest border. Hello!? My standard contract insists on a stretch limo, full bar." He checked the audiences faces. "I'm just playing. I was fine with the scooter. I rode a motorcycle in one of my pictures, you probably know. Some in the papers said it was a stunt double, but it was mostly me. Any-who, the world couldn't live without me." He sipped again. "Perfect, sweetheart."

He paused to pick at a piece of tea leaf which was jammed in his front tooth. "But now, all I have is your love!" He handed the toothpick back to an admirer. "They kept my passport. I don't know why. It's not like I didn't take a ton of selfies with people and sign a whole lot of autographs. They didn't even give me back my wallet."

"Interview's over," announced the owner of the cafe, Mabel Gibbs. "Meal's over, too!" Gibbs gave a nod and slid the plate away from the freeloading customer as the waitress pried the burrito from Barwell's grip. "I just realized that you are that deadbeat who left those helpless kids to fend for themselves!" Ms Gibbs scolded him right before she kicked him out of the cafe. His stream of consciousness continued outside and this reporter had to catch a plane at the airport.

In other news, Bill Duckton is alive and well and he filed this story from Mulch Park. Reports of his demise are highly exaggerated.

Saturday, August 06, 2016

Barwell and Duckton's Possibly Fatal Miscalculation

Correction: An earlier Bluegreenplant article identified reporter Bill Duckton as the best that Bluegreenplant has to offer. That article, written by Duckton, contained errors. One of the errors was an excess of superlatives in reference to himself. To correct the record, it should be noted that Bill Dafferty was named everyone's favorite all-around journalist by a recent on-line poll and therefore is widely regarded as Bluegreenplant's best. 

No news from the Center of the Earth indicates that Bill Duckton, who won the Pluitzer Prize for journalism a long time ago and is well past his prime, may be in over his head. His efforts to bring Emmy winner Clift Barwell to the surface have proven to be unfruitful and this stillness augurs a tragic outcome.

This reporter, Bill Dafferty, has organized a vigil to honor the lives of beloved actor, Clift Barwell and colleague, Bill Duckton. It will be a candlelight March from the Saint Hortense Church to Actor's Theatre on Frontage Road at ten PM this Thursday night in Mulch Park. The public is encouraged to be there. The March will be videotaped to be later shown at Duckton's memorial service.