Monday, September 07, 2015

On Time Departure at National Airport

As an arrogant North American held up the line of passengers at Silvio Pettirossi International Airport in AsunciĆ³n, Paraguay, fellow travelers became antsy about departing on their flight to North America on time.

A polite airline employee repeatedly explained to to the American passenger that no outside food was permitted on the aircraft, but the American didn't seem to understand even the most rudimentary Spanish.

When the airline employee confiscated the snack and deposited it in the quarantine barrel, the American, identified as Dick Richard Clofterman, pushed into the area marked as off limits and began digging in the barrel, throwing discarded items over his shoulders. Immediately, Paraguayan National Guardsmen on security duty at the gate circled the disruptive gentleman with weapons drawn and he was taken away as the line of weary passengers applauded.

The flight departed on time.



Thursday, August 13, 2015

Bluegreenplant's Clickstarter Campaign Raking in the Dough

Apparently, there are still many who love the USA. Checks and cash from all four corners of the globe have poured into the Clickstarter account started by Jerry, the Bluegreenplant spokesman.

"There's no limit on how much I will collect," stated Jerry. "The more money I get, the more of a shebang the celebration will be! Ha ha ha!"

Jerry made his case for a salute to the USA in verse and poetry less than a month ago at:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_1RUkTNBCA

Hershel Terseman, the statistician for the internet has stated that he never knew of such a quick and successful beginning for a Clickstarter Campaign.

USA Private Eye Breaks into Paraguayan Police Headquarters

Fueled by rumors about the possibility of Clift Barwell's having survived an explosive assassination attempt, a private investigator has returned to the landlocked South American country from the USA to "make sure that he is dead."

A photograph of private detective Dick Richard Clofterman has been identified by a street vendor as "the Gringo who broke into the evidence room of the Paraguayan National Police Headquarters," where he was apparently snooping around after shimmying up a drainpipe and squeezing in through a bathroom window on the second floor.

Authorities have been unable to locate Clofterman, but on social media he has posted selfies and video of himself posing with a half-eaten, desiccated, hot dog pilfered from a National Police evidence locker. In one video, he clowns as if he is going to eat the hot dog for lunch. In another, he gets serious and explains that he is taking the hot dog to the United States for a DNA test.

At the end of the same video, Clofterman again tries to be funny with a morbid joke. He holds up a Ziploc bag and its grim contents in front of the camera. "Hey," he shouts as he makes the bag dance around, "You are watching Clift Barwell's last movie!" Then he made an even more insensitive joke. "If you can't get to the Oscars, at least you can make it to Oscar Meyer." That callous and crude joke lit up the internet with strong criticism and even some death threats from die-hard Barwell fans.

Although, an official press release insists that the private detective was sent by Barwell's insurance agent, widespread rumors point to the murderous gang, Naptimez Ova! for contracting Clofterman for proof of death.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Award Winning Actor Located by Rogue Cop!

A Paraguayan police sergeant--who was  placed on unpaid leave for making an off-color jokes and punching the jaw of a young upstart druggie who turned out to be the mayor's nephew--has dropped a bombshell in Asuncion. He refused to let his investigation take a day off and continued examining clues from his makeshift lab in his garage. Sgt. Craus "Muscles" Rochmun has pinpointed the location of Actor Clift Barwell, who disappeared recently.


"He is in the evidence room of the National Police Headquarters," he said. "If my co-workers would just let me in the building, I would lead you right to him." He waved a pair of pliers and an antenna made of wire coat hangers. "They've got to let me return to work at headquarters! I have solved this case and ..."


Just then, the power went off and the mayor, with his contingent of bodyguards, appeared. One of the guards was holding an unplugged power cord. The mayor straightened his tie and announced, "That crooked cop is not getting his job back." He looked at the sergeant, pointed at his feet, and laughed derisively, "Ha-ha; nice bedroom slippers!"


The bodyguards laughed as well.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Horrific Object found in Hotdog

A vendor in Asuncion Paraguay has been slapped with a fine after one of his line of products failed inspection epically.

A microchip almost chipped the tooth of Oscar Gonzalez-Gonzalez when he bit into the steaming snack from a street food vendor. After removing the unknown electronic object from his mouth, he wiped it off, examined it, and decided to bring it into the national police crime lab where he works as a security guard and janitor.

One of the lab techincians agreed to inspect the chip and discovered that it was a homing chip which had been implanted into actor Clift Barwell's left shoulder just days before he fled the USA amidst death threats.

When confronted with the evidence by The Blue Green Power Plant, the hot dog vendor stated, "I don't make the hot dogs, I just sell them." When pressed for further information, he deadpanned, "It looks like that Barwell guy has gone to the dogs."

Monday, January 19, 2015

Duckton is Back--Like a Reverse-meteorite!

Bill Duckton is cranking the footrest on his plush recliner down, dusting off his spiral notebook and sticking a roll of Tums in his pocket. The semi-retired reporter explained why he has come out of semi-retirement to Bluegreenplant associate Angela Ramos. "People all over the world have failed to recognize the magnitude of that single blip from the center of the Earth."

He continued. "Now, you and I may not like the way Clift Barwell treated those kids, but if he is still alive, it's news. And if he is hiding out in the center of the Earth, we'll, it may mean another Pluitzer Prize for you and a third one for me."

Duckton, a lover of words, continued talking at length to this reporter, who agreed to team up with him to unearth the truth about Barwell, wherever it leads. "I don't appreciate how news agencies the world over just glazed over this story. I think that alleged deadbeat just may be alive somewhere."

You heard it right here on Bluegreenplant. Bill Duckton is back!