Monday, January 27, 2014

Naptimez Ova Bakesale and Carwash a Smash!

"A little strategy goes a long way!" laughed Big-boy Billy Plimberton, the leader of the Naptimez Ova! street gang. "We are known as Naptimez Ova!" he informed a Bluegreenplant reporter, as if she didn't already know who she was talking to. The newly chartered youth gang, after frittering away a large portion of their settlement funds on golden domes, statues of unicorn families, and actors to play their parents, has proactively sought out ways to add to their coffers.

By using an ingenious and novel strategy, the group of aged-out orphans from a Nebraska orphanage and reality TV show raised enough money to fund an educational field trip for every member of the gang.

Billy Plimberton explained. "You see, instead of washing a ton of regular people's cars for one dollar, we washed just one rich guy's car and charged him a couple million dollars." Plimberton checked the time on his Rolex and continued. "Now we have enough for a field trip to South America."

"Are you going to see the ruins?" asked Bluegreenplant reporter Tabby Lane.  She wore a smart-blue jacket.

"Maybe we are gonna make some ruins!" laughed Plimberton in a thug-like and antagonistic way.

The Bluegreenplant reporter's nervousness began to jitter the microphone, but she had one more question. She asked, "What kind of car was it you washed for so much money?"

"Towelamp's car," muttered a lad with cigarette burns on his fingers.

"Shut up!" snapped Plimberton.

William Towelamp was recently declared legally dead by the Mulch Park Diversified Insurance Company. The coroner filled in the blank referring to the cause of death with a simple question mark on the official death certificate.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Barwell Saved by Mysterious Fan

Little is known about the charitable  and mysterious figure that saved Emmy winner, Clift Barwell, from the rough and tumble streets of Asuncion's Verdugo district.

Paraguayan paparazzi, Gonzalo Widerlich, reported that Barwell wandered from the airport on foot, offering to take selfies with a lot of people who failed to recognize him. His dejection transformed to joy as a middle aged woman called him by name and led him to the house where he is currently staying, a modest home with curtains made of burlap. She was heard saying in English, "Don't be mad. Be glad--you don't want to be recognized now, silly. I help you disappear. "

A characteristic smoke which suggested several Paraguayan delicacies arose from a chimney stove pipe--life-giving sustenance to help the international star, beleaguered by a band of life-taking thugs--Naptimez Ova!. 

Naptimez Ova! is composed of aged-out children who once worked with Barwell in a reality show about orphans and their loving and supportive new parents. Barwell left the show for brighter pastures after ratings began to dip as the children began to show signs of being less cute.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Barwell Deported to Paraguay

Emmy winner Clift Barwell has been spotted by Paraguayan paparazzi, Gonzalo Widerlich, at a concourse at Silvio Petirossi International Airport in Asunción. According to Widerlich, Barwell, "Stood out like a waiter's thumb in your hot bowl of borí borí."

He reports that the award winning actor was wearing a filthy  Armani jacket and tattered khakis, from an unknown designer. His hair was styled as wavy-messy, and he carried no more luggage than a cup of spaghetti and a US government issued toothbrush, which he possibly had been using as a spoon.

Widerlich seemed both starstruck and confused as he feigned concern, referring to Barwell by first name. "I am worried about Clift. I asked him about the Golden Globes and he just screamed like a maniac, repeating again and again, Naptimez Ova! Naptimez Ova! Naptimez Ova!"

Widerlich apologized to fans for not snapping a picture, insisting that he was too flustered and the encounter all happened too fast.

It is not known what Barwell was referring to in his rantings, although perhaps he was saying the name of the youth gang which has sworn an oath to hunt him down and cut his life short.

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Barwell Nabbed by Immigration Agents

Actor Clift Barwell is currently in an immigration detention center. Apparently in his efforts to hide, he ended up in a system of cross border smuggling tunnels.  A fellow subterranean traveler described meeting Barwell. "I was crossing the border in this fancy tunnel, underground; then all of the sudden the wall started crumbling and I was face to face with my  hero, Jerik the Dolphin Trainer. I love that show. Unfortunately, he was all panicky and pale, not nearly as good-looking as he appears on television. He was carrying one of those super-powerful flashlights from the infomercial he does late Saturday nights. Of course, that particular tunnel had its own lighting system so it wasn't necessary."

She continued talking to Bluegreenplant reporter Angela Ramos and finally got to her point. "Señor Barwell said he was escaping from a gang of thugs who wanted to kill him. I took him under my wing and told him to follow the tunnel to Mexico to be safe. That was when the raid happened and we were separated. I didn't even have time to take a selfie with him!"

Immigration is mum about the situation. Barwell, however, tweeted that he needed a notarized copy of his birth certificate.