Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Barwell Campaign Ad Backfires

The keynote speaker at the Palmdale Librarians Reading Bash lugged her classic 2008 Apple laptop computer along with a mug of coffee into a quiet corner in the ballroom of the Lancaster Scrub Oak Inn in order to completely re-work her speech only three hours before her presentation was scheduled. This was all because of a ham-handed Clift Barwell campaign ad. "I was proofreading the Antelope Valley Press, just for fun," recounted Emma Storey, "and as I flipped the page, I came across this ad to vote for a certain actor on a program for the Emmy award. Well, I do not watch television and I have no idea what his show is about, but what struck me was the blatant argumentum ad passiones. This actor was using a narrative about how he was the victim of a mad bomber who exploded his car--all this pathos to conjure up the readers' emotions and garner enough sympathy to get people to feel sorry and vote for him." Storey, who has a Master's degree in Library science from Fresno State University, said she became physically ill when Barwell tried to pass off a quote from Shakespeare as his own. "It was blatant plagiarism," she said.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies/But in battalions," Storey recited. "It really befuddled me to no end. It is a line from Hamlet, Act four, scene Five. Yet this TV actor wrote it in a way to make it seem as if it were his original line." She dabbed her nostril with a fresh Kleenex. "Why would someone campaign for an award like that anyway? Shouldn't his work stand on its own?" She picked up the coffee and put it down without drinking any. "Do you know what? I don't know and I don't care but you can bet that I am going to nail that rascal in my keynote."

As the Bluegreenplant reporter packed his note pad into his briefcase, Ms Storey settled down to her computer keyboard once again and seemed to enter a world all her own. She took a sip of her coffee and muttered almost inaudibly, "No son of a bitch is going to plagiarize the Bard and get away with it on my watch!"

Experts say it is difficult to gauge whether or not any publicity generated by this speech will have an effect on Barwell's chances of winning the Emmy.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Barwell Nominated as Explosion's Cause Identified

We at The Blue Green Power Plant wish actor Clift Barwell all the best in this year's upcoming Emmy Awards. He was recently nominated for the best actor in a reality series award due to his work as the father in The Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage.

In other news, the explosion which Barwell narrowly escaped with his life was investigated by the Mulch Park Police Department's logistics squad and it has been determined that Barwell's car was sabotaged with a bomb.

"The bomb seemed to be carefully packed with ammonium nitrate--fertilizer--in a highly absorbent material, either Huggies or Pampers.  The detonator seems to have been a night-light. The bomber used a Leapfrog Text-n-learn as a timer," said Officer Deena Smidgen of the logistics team.

The officer added that Barwell had better watch his back until they find the "perp" which she guaranteed will be soon, in spite of the absence of any solid clues. "Also, I wish him luck with his Emmy. I hope he wins," added Smidgen, who stands with authority, but only about four and a half feet tall.