Saturday, October 26, 2013

Emmy Winner Afraid to Leave House

Emmy award winner Clift Barwell is afraid to step one foot out of his house now that his neighborhood has been taken over by the Naptimez Ova! street gang.

Said Barwell's agent and lunching buddy, Michael Sternberger, "He just sits in the house biting his fingernails and clutching his Emmy. His jaw shakes like those comical novelty teeth that you wind up; however this is not funny at all." The middle-aged former stand-up comic with a non-matching sport coat looked like he just walked out of a New Jersey deli. Before backing into his office and closing the door he added, "We used to have working lunches. Now we never go out any more, and it's his turn to pick up the tab!"

The police refused to comment on the situation, saying that anti-gang operations would be put at risk if Naptimez-Ova! were clued in about law enforcement's planned maneuvers.

Monday, April 08, 2013

Formerly Cute Children "Age out" and Form Street Gang

Occupants of the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage have aged out and now must find new accommodations, says Mulch Park resource officer Dan Willard Talbot. "These kids are old enough to be on their own instead of sapping resources of this nominally state-funded facility," he said.  They should get jobs and contribute to society instead of being leeches."

In the meantime, Little Billy Plimberton has used the internet to file papers at the City Hall in Los Angeles, California. He plans to go west and establish a street gang called Naptimez Ova!  The exclamation point is part of the name. If approved, the gang's territory will span a large swath of LA, including the residence of their former TV father, Clift Barwell, who the papers identify as their "number one nemesis."

Barwell was unavailable for comment. His UPS guy, however, said that he heard Barwell had checked into a Beverly Hills Clinic for treatment of nervousness and a hunched shoulder cramp.

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Barwell Scolds Children in Emmy Acceptance Speech

In Hollywood, Emmy winner Clift Barwell scolded the children of the world for being a bunch of brats as he reacted from the emotion of winning the coveted award in the wake of an attempt on his life with a car bomb only a few months before. "Ungrateful brats!"  he shouted at the camera as if the teleprompter had gone totally haywire. "Mulch Park is dead to me!"

Londra Wallace, who was presenting the award to him became flustered and her gown, designed by famed Paris and Hong Kong designer, Sammy Reichter, shifted, showing a little more cleavage than planned.  A slow motion replay showed that, in an effort to adjust her dress, Wallace let go of the Emmy before Barwell could establish a grip on it, resulting in the trophy bouncing on the floor and making a clanging sound, followed by some expletives from the winner. In a later interview, Wallace said that, for the most part, the trophy came out  undented.

The actor's cryptic comments about Mulch Park seemed to be a reference to the Nebraska town where his vehicle was bombed. "The investigation into the explosion is still open," reported Officer Smidgin of the logistics squad in reference to a request for an update on the bombing.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Barwell Campaign Ad Backfires

The keynote speaker at the Palmdale Librarians Reading Bash lugged her classic 2008 Apple laptop computer along with a mug of coffee into a quiet corner in the ballroom of the Lancaster Scrub Oak Inn in order to completely re-work her speech only three hours before her presentation was scheduled. This was all because of a ham-handed Clift Barwell campaign ad. "I was proofreading the Antelope Valley Press, just for fun," recounted Emma Storey, "and as I flipped the page, I came across this ad to vote for a certain actor on a program for the Emmy award. Well, I do not watch television and I have no idea what his show is about, but what struck me was the blatant argumentum ad passiones. This actor was using a narrative about how he was the victim of a mad bomber who exploded his car--all this pathos to conjure up the readers' emotions and garner enough sympathy to get people to feel sorry and vote for him." Storey, who has a Master's degree in Library science from Fresno State University, said she became physically ill when Barwell tried to pass off a quote from Shakespeare as his own. "It was blatant plagiarism," she said.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies/But in battalions," Storey recited. "It really befuddled me to no end. It is a line from Hamlet, Act four, scene Five. Yet this TV actor wrote it in a way to make it seem as if it were his original line." She dabbed her nostril with a fresh Kleenex. "Why would someone campaign for an award like that anyway? Shouldn't his work stand on its own?" She picked up the coffee and put it down without drinking any. "Do you know what? I don't know and I don't care but you can bet that I am going to nail that rascal in my keynote."

As the Bluegreenplant reporter packed his note pad into his briefcase, Ms Storey settled down to her computer keyboard once again and seemed to enter a world all her own. She took a sip of her coffee and muttered almost inaudibly, "No son of a bitch is going to plagiarize the Bard and get away with it on my watch!"

Experts say it is difficult to gauge whether or not any publicity generated by this speech will have an effect on Barwell's chances of winning the Emmy.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Barwell Nominated as Explosion's Cause Identified

We at The Blue Green Power Plant wish actor Clift Barwell all the best in this year's upcoming Emmy Awards. He was recently nominated for the best actor in a reality series award due to his work as the father in The Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage.

In other news, the explosion which Barwell narrowly escaped with his life was investigated by the Mulch Park Police Department's logistics squad and it has been determined that Barwell's car was sabotaged with a bomb.

"The bomb seemed to be carefully packed with ammonium nitrate--fertilizer--in a highly absorbent material, either Huggies or Pampers.  The detonator seems to have been a night-light. The bomber used a Leapfrog Text-n-learn as a timer," said Officer Deena Smidgen of the logistics team.

The officer added that Barwell had better watch his back until they find the "perp" which she guaranteed will be soon, in spite of the absence of any solid clues. "Also, I wish him luck with his Emmy. I hope he wins," added Smidgen, who stands with authority, but only about four and a half feet tall.