Monday, April 30, 2012

Alarms Tripped At Towelamp Estate

First responders were unable to deactivate the powerful alarm system which guards the final resting place of Sir William Towelamp at the Towelamp Estate in Mulch Park, Nebraska. "It is not known what triggered the alarm," security expert Milt Gibbonston explained. "We have investigated and it seems to be what we in the business call a glitch." It took so long to turn off the alarm, that second responders and some third responders arrived on the scene during the noisy chaos. "Some men from the third wave of responders finally turned it off by smashing the speakers with the billionaire's tombstone. That alarm was loud enough to awaken the dead. It took four of my strongest men to lift the thing," Gibbonston said. "An old-school solution, but effective."

Later, when security video was analyzed, it appeared that the glitch was more explainable than thought previously. At twelve midnight a blurry figure can be seen entering the estate carrying a boombox, marching defiantly towards the memorial area, and dancing around on Towelamp's grave. "It was a very limber guy. His eclectic routine seemed well practiced. It contained elements of folk dancing, stomp dancing, hip-hop, and even a little moon walking. Other than that grainy video, we have no clue about who it was," fretted Gibbonston.

The tombstone has been put back in place, the excitement is over and now Towelamp's soul can rest in peace because electric fencing and concertina wire have been installed around the graveyard's perimeter.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Barwell Caught Reading Hollywood Gossip

Actor Clift Barwell, who has gotten so much positive publicity for his performance as the father of little Billy Plimberton on the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage show, has been knocked down a few notches.

"Since his elimination from Singing With the Stars, and subsequent return to Mulch Park, he has seemed a little disengaged," stated a source who requested anonymity. It appears that instead of playing with the kids or coaching them with their homework, he has been hiding in his dressing room trailer and reading gossip papers on his personal computer.

When tracked down by a nosy caterer, Barwell insisted that he had just been on Amazon dot com, purchasing Elmo puppets for all the kids.

At press time, no Elmo puppets had arrived at the orphanage and the caterer reported to Bluegreenplant investigators that he noticed that the internet history on Barwell's personal laptop did not include any toy orders during the past month. It did, however, include a newly-purchased first-class ticket for a plane trip from Mulch Park international Airport to Los Angeles.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Barwell Turns Heads on Singing With The Stars

Actor Clift Barwell of the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage show has gotten a lot of extra attention for last night's performance on Singing With The Stars. His rendition of My Buddy, My Son brought tears to the judges eyes and qualified for a golden buzzer, which means he can continue to use auto-tune without any point deductions in the next rounds. "The song was a collaboration between yours truly and Quincie Hopkins, a good friend," explained Barwell in an interview after his performance. "I drew from my experience with the kids in Mulch Park to make it genuine. I dedicate it to little Billy." He confessed that the job working in the orphanage has made his heart grow ten times larger and he thinks about those kids 24-7. At one point he looked right into the camera and announced, "Kids! I miss you so much, but as you know, I am doing all this for you!"

"He is one of a kind," stated Trixie, his choreographer and sound tech.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Children Squiggling Up Through the Ratings

The Children Who Need Help Orphanage Show is squiggling up through the ratings and it is possible that it will bump Clyde Holsum's Urban Judge show for the number one position.

"It has the perfect ensemble of talent of any show within memory," stated Lance Borgia, from The TV Journal. The charisma and curiosity of little Billy Plimberton is garnering a lot of attention from fans of all ages. He really deserves some stability after all he's been through and this makes the audience really root for him. And Clift Barwell is perfect as the father. It's like he was sent down from heaven to answer the Orphans' prayers.

The Children Who Need Help Orphanage airs at eight in the evening, seven central time on Sunday nights.

Assistant District Attorney Fired for Thinking Aloud

Marcie Gillfish, an assistant district attorney for the city of Mulch Park, Nebraska, was placed on unpaid leave for unwittingly spreading confidential information, slander, and inducing gossip. At first she claimed to be innocently listening to music on her headphones and enjoying a frozen yogurt during her lunch break, but security video from the yogurt place shows her muttering to herself, aloud.

Other customers became disturbed at what she was saying. Bonnie Gerbelstein, who was at the shop with her own, biologically born, toddlers said, "She is heartless. She was saying all kinds of horrible things about those poor orphan kids. Haven't they suffered enough?!"

After video enhancement, it becomes obvious what Ms. Gillfish is saying. Word-for-word transcription says: "Those f**king kids. I don't know how they did it, but those f**king kids have blood on their hands!"

When contacted for comment, the DA's office put out a statement, "Whatever Marcie said during her lunch break does not represent the policy or beliefs of this office. Also, if she has done anything wrong, she will be let go permanently."

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Clift Barwell Takes Tykes to Zoo

Actor Clift Barwell, in the part of the father of little Billy Plimberton, has taken all the kids in the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage to the Mulch Park Zoo as a special treat for being good.

In front of the machine that makes little giraffes out of molten plastic for a dollar, he told paparazzi, "There is a lot of love going around. This is the most fulfilling role I have ever played.  It pays with more than just money!"

The children laughed so hard that they almost dropped their Popsicles when Barwell handed the newly minted toy to the paparazzi.  "Ow! My hand!" shouted the paparazzi.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Owner of Blue Green Power Plant Officially Dead


Billionaire owner of The Blue Green Power Plant, William Towelamp, 63 years of age, and a prominent resident of Mulch Park, Nebraska, has been declared officially dead by the Mulch Park Diversified Insurance Company. The time of death is unclear, but it may have occurred as early as November 16, 2011, when a robot replica appeared in a courtroom impersonating Towelamp with mixed results.

Towelamp had some troubles, both legal and personal, during the latter period of his life. Not only did some voices criticize him for suing an orphanage, but he was constantly hounded by reverse-meteorites. This situation got so bad at one point that they landed him in the hospital.

Towelamp's life had more ups than downs. It was when a low point of Towelamp's life intersected with the low point of another man's life that Towelamp's journey to becoming a multi-billionaire was set into action.

When most all major news outlets reported that an unfortunate man named Hecot Smithly had been absorbed into a towel while drying himself off after a bath, many news consumers were horrified at the accident. Readership of all news, including The Blue Green Power Plant doubled during the months that Mr Smithly was trapped in the towel.

Towelamp, who was homeless at this time, scraped together enough nickles to start up a little company which produced quality towels with the image of a trapped Hecot Smithly on each towel. In the highest selling version, an uncircumcised Smithly with a panicked expression is captioned: "Get me outta here!" Towelamp's small investment led to T-shirts, socks, squeegees, and even condoms, all with the image of Hecot Smithly.

When Hecot Smithly finally gained his freedom from the prison of towel absorption, he never got a dime from Towelamp's capitalizing on his misery. Smithly has said that he never will forgive Towelamp "for being such an asshole, and will someday dance on his grave."

A memorial will be held at Saint Hortense Church on Frontage Road in Mulch Park this Thursday evening at seven o'clock. Towelamp lawyers have obtained restraining orders which stipulate that Hecot Smithly can not attend Towelamp's funeral.

Towelamp leaves behind no loved ones.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Jerik The Dolphin Trainer Movie In the Works

Hollywood moguls are suddenly chomping at the bit to bring out a movie starring Clift Barwell based on his defunct 1980's TV show, Jerik the Dolphin Trainer.

The buzz around Hollywood is that interest in the project caught fire when the star of the show was seen in a Blue Green Power Plant interview discussing his role as the father of little Billy Plimberton at the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage.

Clift Barwell says he couldn't possibly think of leaving his current role as a dedicated and caring father and would not take on the project for less than six figures.

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Actors a Smash!

The out-of-work actors and actresses hired by Little Billy Plimberton and the finance committee of the "Children Who Need Help" orphanage have all but changed the official name of the charity. "They don't need help any more," said Clift Barwell, former star of Jerik the Dolphin Trainer. "They have us! And plenty of cash for snacks!" He tossed a perfect spiral into Plimberton's waiting arms. "Good catch, son!"

Since inheriting a boatload of cash from William Towelamp, the school now sports a golden cupola dome and a statue of a mother, father and baby unicorn on an elevated pedestal at the outside entryway. Inside the building--all the kids have hired professional parents to take care of them.