Monday, July 02, 2012

Road Rage Saves a Life

A pokey-slow driver meandering in the fast lane unwittingly saved the life of Emmy-nominated actor Clift Barwell, who recently starred in the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage. As he stormed out of his sports utility vehicle to confront the slowpoke, he heard an audible click and his vehicle exploded in a ball of flames.

"It was either a faulty ignition switch or a bomb," deadpanned Sgt. Michael Krulsky of the Mulch Park Police Department. "We will know full details after our logistics team performs a complete investigation."

Barwell rushed into a nearby church. "It seems that he suddenly got religion," said the head pastor, Reverend Jessie Fernpod of the Mulch Park Church of the Real Jesus.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Barwell Exercises Option on Contract

Actor Clift Barwell has decided not to exercise his option to renew his contract playing the father in the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage. He plans to leave in spite of rave reviews and scatter around Hollywood that he may be nominated for an Emmy for the part.

"The Kids are devastated, said the janitor and polisher of the golden dome. You can't just abandon kids like that. It might warp their minds and screw up their future."

When reporters from The Blue Green Power Plant asked Barwell to respond to the janitor's comments, all he would say was, "Be sure to see Jerik the Dolphin Trainer. It's funny and dramatic, also touching. You will laugh and maybe cry a few tears."

In last Wednesday's final episode of the reality series, as he and some children are eating cupcakes and coloring a picture of Pinocchio rescuing Geppetto from the belly of Monstruo the Whale, Barwell is heard to say, "Hey, I'm gonna take you kids on a road trip to Disney World this Spring! How do you like that idea?"

It is a poetic foreshadowing of the tragedy to come when, as Barwell tears the picture out of the coloring book to put it on the refrigerator, it accidentally rips in two.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Barwell Planning Fathers' Day Surprise for Kids

Cell phone video of sidelined actor Clift Barwell definitely does not make him appear to be a father of the year contender. In the conversation in a Mulch Park doughnut shop with an unidentified female, he refers to his co-stars as brats, monsters, whiners, little morons, and crack babies. He does not once refer to them as kids. He especially has some choice words for his principal charge, Little Billy Plimberton when he refers to the young tyke as a future terrorist.

The busy actor has logged quite a few frequent flier miles between Mulch Park and Los Angeles as he juggles his reality show and smash hit movie. In the doughnut shop video, he holds a particularly high level of rancor for his non-human co-star in his concurrent project, the movie version of Jerik the Dolphin Trainer. At one point he waves his overbandaged hand antagonistically at a doughnut shop manager who expresses admiration for Barwell's dolphin co-star. When she remarks, "I love Puncheon Seven; he's so cute, smart, and funny," it triggers a Barwell tirade, where he calls the animal a stupid fish. The fact that Puncheon Seven is a robot is not addressed in the conversation.

The video, taken furtively by a doughnut shop employee who described herself as an ex-Barwell fan, is trending at number one on social media. Television psychologists are emphasizing the importance of not exposing kids to the video as it could prove traumatizing. Particularly upsetting is the part where Barwell boasts to his giggling female companion that he is planning to, "tow Puncheon Seven into Japanese territorial waters in the middle of hunting season so they can drag him out of the sea with a harpoon and make sushi out of him."

Towards the end of the video, Barwell elicits the loudest cackle of laughter from his conversation partner when he lowers his tone of voice and tells her, "Get this, I'm going to bail on the orphanage gig on Fathers' Day."

Barwell was unavailable for comment when Bluegreenplant reached out to him through his agent on the phone.

Monday, May 07, 2012

Clift Barwell Bitten by Smiling Dolphin

Jerik the Dolphin Trainer got some unplanned negative reinforcement when he gave his co-star, Puncheon Seven, the wrong command during rehearsal. Trying to give the robot dolphin a command to flip, he accidentally gave the signal for Bite me. There was no audience at the time to witness the blooper, but several videos of the accident are available on YouTube.

"It's funny cause he panicks!" said webmaster Jeff Johnson, who watched it again and again as the rubber and steel whale clutched his co-star's hand and refused to let go. "He couldn't give the command to let him go cause he needed two hands to give that command! Ha-ha. It was so funny!"

Due to possible scarring, shooting for the new smash-hit movie has been postponed two weeks. In a recent televised interview, Barwell insisted that he bore no ill will towards his co-star and said that he was happy because this new schedule will give him a chance to spend more time in Mulch Park with his adopted orphan kids on his TV Reality show.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Alarms Tripped At Towelamp Estate

First responders were unable to deactivate the powerful alarm system which guards the final resting place of Sir William Towelamp at the Towelamp Estate in Mulch Park, Nebraska. "It is not known what triggered the alarm," security expert Milt Gibbonston explained. "We have investigated and it seems to be what we in the business call a glitch." It took so long to turn off the alarm, that second responders and some third responders arrived on the scene during the noisy chaos. "Some men from the third wave of responders finally turned it off by smashing the speakers with the billionaire's tombstone. That alarm was loud enough to awaken the dead. It took four of my strongest men to lift the thing," Gibbonston said. "An old-school solution, but effective."

Later, when security video was analyzed, it appeared that the glitch was more explainable than thought previously. At twelve midnight a blurry figure can be seen entering the estate carrying a boombox, marching defiantly towards the memorial area, and dancing around on Towelamp's grave. "It was a very limber guy. His eclectic routine seemed well practiced. It contained elements of folk dancing, stomp dancing, hip-hop, and even a little moon walking. Other than that grainy video, we have no clue about who it was," fretted Gibbonston.

The tombstone has been put back in place, the excitement is over and now Towelamp's soul can rest in peace because electric fencing and concertina wire have been installed around the graveyard's perimeter.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Barwell Caught Reading Hollywood Gossip

Actor Clift Barwell, who has gotten so much positive publicity for his performance as the father of little Billy Plimberton on the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage show, has been knocked down a few notches.

"Since his elimination from Singing With the Stars, and subsequent return to Mulch Park, he has seemed a little disengaged," stated a source who requested anonymity. It appears that instead of playing with the kids or coaching them with their homework, he has been hiding in his dressing room trailer and reading gossip papers on his personal computer.

When tracked down by a nosy caterer, Barwell insisted that he had just been on Amazon dot com, purchasing Elmo puppets for all the kids.

At press time, no Elmo puppets had arrived at the orphanage and the caterer reported to Bluegreenplant investigators that he noticed that the internet history on Barwell's personal laptop did not include any toy orders during the past month. It did, however, include a newly-purchased first-class ticket for a plane trip from Mulch Park international Airport to Los Angeles.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Barwell Turns Heads on Singing With The Stars

Actor Clift Barwell of the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage show has gotten a lot of extra attention for last night's performance on Singing With The Stars. His rendition of My Buddy, My Son brought tears to the judges eyes and qualified for a golden buzzer, which means he can continue to use auto-tune without any point deductions in the next rounds. "The song was a collaboration between yours truly and Quincie Hopkins, a good friend," explained Barwell in an interview after his performance. "I drew from my experience with the kids in Mulch Park to make it genuine. I dedicate it to little Billy." He confessed that the job working in the orphanage has made his heart grow ten times larger and he thinks about those kids 24-7. At one point he looked right into the camera and announced, "Kids! I miss you so much, but as you know, I am doing all this for you!"

"He is one of a kind," stated Trixie, his choreographer and sound tech.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Assistant District Attorney Fired for Thinking Aloud

Marcie Gillfish, an assistant district attorney for the city of Mulch Park, Nebraska, was placed on unpaid leave for unwittingly spreading confidential information, slander, and inducing gossip. At first she claimed to be innocently listening to music on her headphones and enjoying a frozen yogurt during her lunch break, but security video from the yogurt place shows her muttering to herself, aloud.

Other customers became disturbed at what she was saying. Bonnie Gerbelstein, who was at the shop with her own, biologically born, toddlers said, "She is heartless. She was saying all kinds of horrible things about those poor orphan kids. Haven't they suffered enough?!"

After video enhancement, it becomes obvious what Ms. Gillfish is saying. Word-for-word transcription says: "Those f**king kids. I don't know how they did it, but those f**king kids have blood on their hands!"

When contacted for comment, the DA's office put out a statement, "Whatever Marcie said during her lunch break does not represent the policy or beliefs of this office. Also, if she has done anything wrong, she will be let go permanently."

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Clift Barwell Takes Tykes to Zoo

Actor Clift Barwell, in the part of the father of little Billy Plimberton, has taken all the kids in the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage to the Mulch Park Zoo as a special treat for being good.

In front of the machine that makes little giraffes out of molten plastic for a dollar, he told paparazzi, "There is a lot of love going around. This is the most fulfilling role I have ever played.  It pays with more than just money!"

The children laughed so hard that they almost dropped their Popsicles when Barwell handed the newly minted toy to the paparazzi.  "Ow! My hand!" shouted the paparazzi.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Owner of Blue Green Power Plant Officially Dead


Billionaire owner of The Blue Green Power Plant, William Towelamp, 63 years of age, and a prominent resident of Mulch Park, Nebraska, has been declared officially dead by the Mulch Park Diversified Insurance Company. The time of death is unclear, but it may have occurred as early as November 16, 2011, when a robot replica appeared in a courtroom impersonating Towelamp with mixed results.

Towelamp had some troubles, both legal and personal, during the latter period of his life. Not only did some voices criticize him for suing an orphanage, but he was constantly hounded by reverse-meteorites. This situation got so bad at one point that they landed him in the hospital.

Towelamp's life had more ups than downs. It was when a low point of Towelamp's life intersected with the low point of another man's life that Towelamp's journey to becoming a multi-billionaire was set into action.

When most all major news outlets reported that an unfortunate man named Hecot Smithly had been absorbed into a towel while drying himself off after a bath, many news consumers were horrified at the accident. Readership of all news, including The Blue Green Power Plant doubled during the months that Mr Smithly was trapped in the towel.

Towelamp, who was homeless at this time, scraped together enough nickles to start up a little company which produced quality towels with the image of a trapped Hecot Smithly on each towel. In the highest selling version, an uncircumcised Smithly with a panicked expression is captioned: "Get me outta here!" Towelamp's small investment led to T-shirts, socks, squeegees, and even condoms, all with the image of Hecot Smithly.

When Hecot Smithly finally gained his freedom from the prison of towel absorption, he never got a dime from Towelamp's capitalizing on his misery. Smithly has said that he never will forgive Towelamp "for being such an asshole, and will someday dance on his grave."

A memorial will be held at Saint Hortense Church on Frontage Road in Mulch Park this Thursday evening at seven o'clock. Towelamp lawyers have obtained restraining orders which stipulate that Hecot Smithly can not attend Towelamp's funeral.

Towelamp leaves behind no loved ones.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Jerik The Dolphin Trainer Movie In the Works

Hollywood moguls are suddenly chomping at the bit to bring out a movie starring Clift Barwell based on his defunct 1980's TV show, Jerik the Dolphin Trainer.

The buzz around Hollywood is that interest in the project caught fire when the star of the show was seen in a Blue Green Power Plant interview discussing his role as the father of little Billy Plimberton at the Children Who Need Help Golden Dome Orphanage.

Clift Barwell says he couldn't possibly think of leaving his current role as a dedicated and caring father and would not take on the project for less than six figures.

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Actors a Smash!

The out-of-work actors and actresses hired by Little Billy Plimberton and the finance committee of the "Children Who Need Help" orphanage have all but changed the official name of the charity. "They don't need help any more," said Clift Barwell, former star of Jerik the Dolphin Trainer. "They have us! And plenty of cash for snacks!" He tossed a perfect spiral into Plimberton's waiting arms. "Good catch, son!"

Since inheriting a boatload of cash from William Towelamp, the school now sports a golden cupola dome and a statue of a mother, father and baby unicorn on an elevated pedestal at the outside entryway. Inside the building--all the kids have hired professional parents to take care of them.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Children Win Judgement

Applause broke out in the courtroom of Judge Connie Blake as the little scamps from the "Children Who Need Help Charity" orphanage won by default a judgment against William Towelamp, who failed to show up for the trial. Towelamp's lawyer contacted the court before the judgement, citing four flat tires and the theft of his GPS device, which left him with no means of transportation to get to the courthouse.

The judge said, "Enough of these tiresome antics!" and pounded her gavel with justice.

The orphans are not sure what they will do with the billion dollar settlement. "Sally and Jasmine want to buy a golden dome for the front building of the orphanage," reported little Billy Plimberton, "but Lennie and I think we should hire some out-of-work Hollywood actors to play the parts of our parents, full time."

In spite of the case being the talk of the town, Towelamp remains in hiding.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Cartoonist Misses Towelamp

A cartoonist for the Mulch Park Gazette has lamented the disappearance of his pen's favorite victim, William Towelamp. The Pluitzer Prize winning newspaper sketch artist goes by no other name than his trademark swirl left at the bottom his cartoons.

His last cartoon lampooned Towelamp's great wealth by portraying him as a clerk in a supermarket complaining that the other milks were crowding into the section of the refrigerator reserved for the one percent milk.

"I hope he resurfaces," said the cartoonist as he was stirring a beer with an olive at the Renaissance Pub, I need the material!

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Smithly Raps

Hecot Smithly has written a rap song about William Towelamp which calls on regular average citizens to rebel and occupy Towelamp's mansion in Mulch Park, Nebraska.

The song, entitled "Absorb This!" is available through iTunes.