Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Rock and Roll From Out of the Blue

William Towelamp has been photographed in a semi-recumbent position with his head bandaged up like a mummy. That is the report from a nurses's assistant at Metropolitan Hospital. Bluegreenplant received exclusive report of the situation even though Mister Towelamp's condition has been kept under wraps.

Bluegreenplant has a policy of not paying sources for information and for this reason, the photo of Towelamp taken by the source was deleted in a fit of pique.

Earlier today, Towelamp pulled his car into Jake's Fender Menderz on Frontage Road and was involved in the unfortunate incident which led to his hospitalization. Jake, the owner of the establishment, provided an eye-witness account: "I seen the whole thing. The poor SOB didn't have a chance. As soon as Mister Towelamp gets out of his car, this rock comes from out of nowhere and hits him." Jake scratched his bald head, which was slightly splattered with blue auto enamel. Then he added, "Now this is where it gets weird. The rock defies gravity! It lifts up off the ground, all by itself, and hits him again. Then it turns in mid-air and goes after him some more.  At this point he's running, but it just keeps catching up with him and beating the shit out of him. I told my employee, Jeff, to call 911 and the rock stops in mid-air, like it's listening to me. Then the thing goes straight up and disappeared into the clouds."

Expert meteorologists from the University believe that Towelamp was the victim of an attack from a reverse meteorite.

Not all accounts, however, back up Jake's version of what happened. Morton Zillinger was having his car detailed next door. When asked if he had noticed the attack of the reverse meteorite, he stated, "I did not see any such thing, and believe me, I have an eye for details. I wanted to keep a close eye on the auto detailer who was cleaning my car, but I heard all this noise coming from that mechanic's parking lot. When I saw that guy with the Rolls Royce running around and panicking, I just thought some kids were throwing rocks at him from behind the fence. Wouldn't that make more sense than an advanced meteoroid or whatever you called it?"

When Metropolitan Hospital was contacted for comment on Towelamp's condition, hospital personnel insisted that he was not in the hospital.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Towelamp Threatens Another Lawsuit

"Look. Look right there," growled Sir William Towelamp as he pointed at the fender of his Andalusian-white Rolls Royce. "Those damn kids dented it." He was complaining of the job done at the First Annual Orphan's Car Wash, which was being held to raise money to pay debts at the Children Who Need Help Charity organization.

"It's not our fault," retorted little Billy to a group of newspeople when told of the accusations by Towelamp. Then little Billy began to rub his eyes with his little balled up fists--as if they could absorb an ocean of tears.

"My lawyer is going to make mincemeat pie out of those brats!" shouted Towelamp from across the sheen of the wet asphalt parking lot. "How can you possibly explain that dent?"

Billy gathered himself and looked into the news cameras with sincerity. Then he said matter-of-factly: "I will explain. And I don't care if anyone believes me or not. A rock came flying down out of the sky, from outer space. It hit the car and then it flew away again--back into the sky!"

Billy's outburst prompted laughter from a group of nearby adults, until Pluitzer Prize winner Bill Dafferty of The Blue Green Power Plant, made his presence known. He held up his hand--silently commanding all the foolish adults, most of them reporters from the Gossip Sheet, to be silent.  He gave Billy a comforting pat on the shoulder, "I believe you Billy. You saw something very rare today."

The hush was palpable. Even Towelamp's corner of the lot was still.

Dafferty spoke deliberately and clearly, "Reverse meteorite. You can tell Towelamp that it's a sign of good luck, maybe not for him, though."