Thursday, December 29, 2011

Hecot Smithly Comes out of Woodwork

As a Bluegreenplant reporter ran down leads, searching shop to shop on an Indiana side street, she met up with Hecot Smithly, a man who has been named as a person of interest in the case of the disappearance of William Towelamp. He proudly waited with his arms crossed in an informal way in front of a sign which read Smithly's Carpentry Shop. When asked if the Mulch Park Police Department had spoken with him, Mr Smithly replied in the negative, and seemed much more interested in flirting with the Bluegreenplant reporter than answering questions about the past.

"You are my favorite writer on the Bluegreenplant staff," said Smithly, more than once. He seemed coy about answering questions, hinting that he would be more comfortable answering them over dinner. He smiled gentlemanly and brushed saw dust from the front of his woodworking apron. "You probably know that I am divorced now, since you are a reporter."

Perhaps, this reporter dressed a little too nicely for the occasion, as Smithly was obviously distracted by her beauty. Through the open door, several electric fans were blowing on a box that resembled a coffin.

"A treasure chest," corrected Smithly. I just gave it a good shellacking.

As this reporter avoided commitment on the dinner date, she was splattered when a rude Indiana driver splashed her new Gucci-type Woven Leather Boots with muddy water. Smithly, the man who many years earlier had been the top story in the news due to a terrible accident, offered a handkerchief and held this reporter's recording device while she cleaned off her boots. "I am sorry about your new shoes," he said, "but I don't want to say anything about Towelamp's disappearance." The encounter was suddenly over.

This reporter checked her recording device later and found that Smithly had surreptitiously left the following message: "Miss Lane, It was a pleasure to meet you, so here's my statement. If Towelamp doesn't ever come back it will be too soon."  A pause. "He deserved to disappear. The world is better without him."

Smithly has held a grudge against Towelamp ever since Towelamp took advantage and made millions of dollars by making fun of Smithly's miserable accident.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Towelamp Disappeared from Face of Earth

"The dubious report from The Gossip Sheet has been checked out and it seems to be somewhat accurate," says a Blue Green Power Plant investigative team.

"In verifying the report that Towelamp is not in Metropolitan Hospital, Bluegreenplant has not been able to locate a single shred of evidence that suggests that William Towelamp still exists in this dimension," stated Bill Dafferty, reporter in charge of the investigation.

There has been no activity on his credit card. Traffic spy cameras have no record of him coming or going anywhere. His insurance company insists that the signal from a homing chip implanted in his shoulder petered out weeks ago. And his garbage man says that no new garbage has appeared in front of his house in ages.

It is as if he disappeared from the face of the Earth!

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Paparazzi Find Towelamp Missing

An unreliable news source has reported that William Towelamp is not in Metropolitan Hospital after all. A paparazzi team from The Gossip Sheet has reported that it infiltrated the hospital penthouse and found no occupants, zero.

The Blue Green Power Plant has sent a news-team to check out the veracity of the report, which, if true, will lead to more questions than answers.

A charge nurse, when contacted by phone, said curtly, "I told you he says he isn't here!"
Little Billy Plimberton, when contacted for comment stated, "I think he is afraid to face us in court."

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Imposter Not Good Enough

A second court proceeding in just as many days, has been upended by the weird behavior of Sir William Towelamp, and has resulted in another pissed-off judge. At a preliminary hearing for the suit brought upon the billionaire by a group of orphans, when Mulch Park Judge Connie Blake instructed Towelamp to state his name, he stood up and recited his full name. But when she instructed him to sit down, he remained standing and got into a staring contest with the judge.

When she threatened him with a contempt citation, Towelamp continued to stand and stare until a reverse-meteorite flew across the room to break the awkward moment. The object hit Towelamp in the head, completely decapitating the defendant with horrific effect. This scene was met with confusion and panicky screams. When sodium hydrogen carbonate and sparks shot out of the headless neck, it became clear that Towelamp had sent a robot in his place. The judge became livid and announced that the Orphans' case against Towelamp would be fast-tracked so that the children would not go hungry without sufficient funds.

Prior to the odd courtroom appearances, William Towelamp's last location was rumored to be Metropolitan Hospital, where he was said to be recovering from an attack from a reverse meteorite.

It is not known for what reason he would send a replicant to court in his place.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Towelamp Flubs Court Appearance

Billionaire Sir William Towelamp, who is recovering from multiple hits to the head, messed up his lines during a preliminary hearing in the Central District Courtroom of Judge Linus Moody at the Mulch Park Municipal Courthouse. An observer in the courtroom said that things became disconcerting when Towelamp groped for words when asked his name. Blogger, Lamar Wright, who observes courtroom proceedings to report in his blog, Getting Justice Just Wright, commented: "The judge pressed him to state his name for the record, and he just hemmed and hawed, insisting that he was telling the truth, but refusing to say his name. The judge obviously got miffed and he sarcastically asked him if the court should have him provide a fingerprint; the plaintiff said yes and stuck out his tongue. He kept the tip of his tongue hanging out a little and his lawyer had to push it back into his mouth with a pencil. It was just bizarre. My wife thinks he has the wrong medication."

Towelamp's case against the Children who he blamed for damaging his automobile was summarily dropped by the impatient judge when the counsel for the orphans, a law school student working pro-bono and under a Nebraska state waiver, demonstrated that Towelamp was incapable of identifying defendant, Billy Plimberton.

The judge, however, saved some of his venom for the other side when he soundly scolded Sister Elenor McFarlane of the Children Who Need Help Charity, for praying aloud during the court session. The sister whispered, but mistakenly spoke into a hot microphone which amplified her voice when she said, "Thank you Lord for removing the jinx which had fallen over these children."

"The fact that she whispered made it all the more creepy," blogged Lamar Wright in a follow-up to a reader comment about the case.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Children Jetison Milk in Favor of Takeover Bid

The Children Who Need Help Charity has foregone it's weekly milk bid at the Farmer's Market. Instead of milk, they have invested funds in The Blue Green Power Plant.

"It was all little Billy's idea," stated Sister Mary Engel as she twisted a rosary chain around her index finger, "Little Billy and the other tots." She patted the little one's shoulder.

When approached for comment, little Billy Plimberton played the numbskull and remained mum.

Independent analysis indicates, however, that one percent of the company may carry quite a symbolic counterweight to Towelamp's fifty-one percent at the next board of directors' meeting.

In the meantime, two lawsuits are chugging through the courts. The charity is suing the millionaire for gobbling up their funds. Towelamp is suing the children for damaging his car--two cases on a collision course.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Rock and Roll From Out of the Blue

William Towelamp has been photographed in a semi-recumbent position with his head bandaged up like a mummy. That is the report from a nurses's assistant at Metropolitan Hospital. Bluegreenplant received exclusive report of the situation even though Mister Towelamp's condition has been kept under wraps.

Bluegreenplant has a policy of not paying sources for information and for this reason, the photo of Towelamp taken by the source was deleted in a fit of pique.

Earlier today, Towelamp pulled his car into Jake's Fender Menderz on Frontage Road and was involved in the unfortunate incident which led to his hospitalization. Jake, the owner of the establishment, provided an eye-witness account: "I seen the whole thing. The poor SOB didn't have a chance. As soon as Mister Towelamp gets out of his car, this rock comes from out of nowhere and hits him." Jake scratched his bald head, which was slightly splattered with blue auto enamel. Then he added, "Now this is where it gets weird. The rock defies gravity! It lifts up off the ground, all by itself, and hits him again. Then it turns in mid-air and goes after him some more.  At this point he's running, but it just keeps catching up with him and beating the shit out of him. I told my employee, Jeff, to call 911 and the rock stops in mid-air, like it's listening to me. Then the thing goes straight up and disappeared into the clouds."

Expert meteorologists from the University believe that Towelamp was the victim of an attack from a reverse meteorite.

Not all accounts, however, back up Jake's version of what happened. Morton Zillinger was having his car detailed next door. When asked if he had noticed the attack of the reverse meteorite, he stated, "I did not see any such thing, and believe me, I have an eye for details. I wanted to keep a close eye on the auto detailer who was cleaning my car, but I heard all this noise coming from that mechanic's parking lot. When I saw that guy with the Rolls Royce running around and panicking, I just thought some kids were throwing rocks at him from behind the fence. Wouldn't that make more sense than an advanced meteoroid or whatever you called it?"

When Metropolitan Hospital was contacted for comment on Towelamp's condition, hospital personnel insisted that he was not in the hospital.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Towelamp Threatens Another Lawsuit

"Look. Look right there," growled Sir William Towelamp as he pointed at the fender of his Andalusian-white Rolls Royce. "Those damn kids dented it." He was complaining of the job done at the First Annual Orphan's Car Wash, which was being held to raise money to pay debts at the Children Who Need Help Charity organization.

"It's not our fault," retorted little Billy to a group of newspeople when told of the accusations by Towelamp. Then little Billy began to rub his eyes with his little balled up fists--as if they could absorb an ocean of tears.

"My lawyer is going to make mincemeat pie out of those brats!" shouted Towelamp from across the sheen of the wet asphalt parking lot. "How can you possibly explain that dent?"

Billy gathered himself and looked into the news cameras with sincerity. Then he said matter-of-factly: "I will explain. And I don't care if anyone believes me or not. A rock came flying down out of the sky, from outer space. It hit the car and then it flew away again--back into the sky!"

Billy's outburst prompted laughter from a group of nearby adults, until Pluitzer Prize winner Bill Dafferty of The Blue Green Power Plant, made his presence known. He held up his hand--silently commanding all the foolish adults, most of them reporters from the Gossip Sheet, to be silent.  He gave Billy a comforting pat on the shoulder, "I believe you Billy. You saw something very rare today."

The hush was palpable. Even Towelamp's corner of the lot was still.

Dafferty spoke deliberately and clearly, "Reverse meteorite. You can tell Towelamp that it's a sign of good luck, maybe not for him, though."

Friday, August 26, 2011

Towelamp Riles Toddlers

The Children Who Need Help Charity has threatened to sue billionaire investor William Towelamp, who is said to have doubled his investment in Bluegreenplant when he bankrolled a prize-winning Blue Green Power Plant Commercial, which brought in a flood of capital. Unfortunately Towelamp may have possibly misled the public with a tiny fib. He had promised a portion of his profits to the charity, but the kids ended up with zilch.

"I am really sorry," stated Towelamp. "After taking my cut, a modest profit, and paying for rental of equipment and studios to my subsidiary, we actually were slightly in the red. Production costs are sky high nowadays. In the spirit of our deal, I sent to the charity exactly what was due."

Little Billy Plimberton was hoping to receive a check in the mail to help him buy milk at school. Instead he got a shocking surprise. "I got a bill. I couldn't believe it. Me and some other kids each owe Mister Towelamp a hundred dollars!"

One of the nuns at the orphanage corrected the little tyke, "A hundred and sixteen dollars, sweetheart." Billy started to cry and Sister Jessica comforted him by telling him not to worry and by suggesting some kind of a fund raiser to pay the bills. "When the door slams in your face, rejoice because God always opens a window," she cooed.

Little Billy Plimberton choked back the tears and put on a brave face. "I'm going to go out that window and I'm gonna get a lawyer because this isn't fair!"

In the interest of full disclosure: When this news service, The Blue Green Power Plant, went public, William Towelamp bought 51% of the shares. Not to worry. Bluegreenplant vows to answer only to the public, not shareholders.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Public Safety Assured after Negotiations with Police

Police unions in most US jurisdictions have agreed to work overtime this weekend to fulfill anticipated security and crowd control needs at the upcoming, unprecedented sale at Towelamp's.

Dressed in a dapper, made-to-measure Hugo Boss suit, Sir William Towelamp appeared for throngs of press cameras to reassure the public that there would be plenty of two-for-one coupons for all who arrived early enough for the sale. "I know that these bargains all sound too good to be true, but let me assure you that they are the real deal," read Towelamp from a prepared statement. "I want everyone to know we have our employees working triple overtime to serve the public and your buying experience will be as easy as pie."

The first to applaud the statement was a group of twenty-somethings who had staked out a camp spot in front of Towelamp's three days earlier to make sure that they were first in line for the grand event. When asked what he planned to buy, one man, who was doing bicep curls with a set of dumbbells said, "A lotta towels!" A woman accompanying him, who appeared to not be wearing a brassier, added, "And shelving for the towels, of course." The young couple pointed out that it was great fun to camp on the sidewalk in spite of the car exhaust and they felt good about their upcoming purchases because part of the profits were for charity.

Aside from high quality towels and shelving at ridiculously low prices, Towelamp's also specializes in T-shirts and various sundry items.

This Bluegreenplant reporter promises to be there at the opening bell to cover the story, and maybe to cash in on some very tempting low prices, lower than Towelamp's everyday low prices!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Selfless Blue Green Power Plant Giving it Away

Last night, a champagne and pretzel fueled awards reception at the Mulch Park, Nebraska Marriott, christened a new chapter for the Blue Green Power Plant. A flashy IMAX video introduction of the new CEO, set an energetic tone, highlighting how Sir William Towelamp has overcome obstacles and sacrificed tremendously in his life-long crusade to accumulate billions of dollars. As the video came to an end, Towelamp suddenly appeared in person by lowering a long, vertical zipper and passing through a slit in the screen. "It's hot back there. Does anyone have a towel so I can wipe my forehead?"

Laughter ensued, as if everyone were in on the joke.

He raised a martini glass towards the audience and toasted a commercial he recently bankrolled as the winner of this year's Oscar Steven's award.

But this reception was not about the Oscar Steven's Award. This ceremony was for the Pluitzer Prize to honor the top-notch reporting of the Bluegreenplant journalism staff in the category of reporting on stories that other news outlets lacked the guts or forethought to cover. Wary reporters from the sole nominee, skeptical of the new management, sat cross-armed and ready for a little editorializing about free expression and Towelamp's not-so-secret plans to influence the news cycle.

"I am pleased," stated the billionaire investor, "Now they have to give me more say-so about what news to cover. Am I right or am I right? Of course, I am." He downed the martini in two sips.

The four Bluegreenplant reporters represented the formidable Bluegreenplant journalistic force which covers all four corners of the globe. These four reporters: Bill Dafferty, Tabby Lane, Bill Duckton (by remote presence device), and Angela Ramos quietly clutched their notes and awaited their opportunity to accept the award.

But aside from a pointing finger and a couple of platitudes about how they were the best, nothing more was offered to give them as an opportunity to address the public. When the writers stood up to accept the award, Towelamp waved at them to sit down and said, "I've got this." Towelamp just kept talking. "Thank you for this award. In celebration, The Blue Green Power Plant has decided to share a portion of its profits with The Children Who Need Help Charity."

A booming applause served as a crescendo for an evening of goodwill and celebration. As cameras panned the audience, the four journalists uncrossed their arms and joined the extended ovation for generosity.

When technicians finally got the jammed applause sign to turn off, a momentous tone hung in the air. The speaker somberly added, "Subscribe to The Blue Green Power Plant, not because I own it, but to help the children."

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Pooch is OK

Both of Hector Chin's ex wives are contemplating legal action for the custody of Pooch, the dog who came back to life.
"He's not my dog, so they can't sue me for him," stated Hector Chen over the phone in a conversation with Bluegreen Plant reporter Tabby Lane.
As if on cue, the cute little canine gave Mr. Chen a huge-tongued sloppy kiss, demonstrating tremendous appreciation that only a dog could show.
Picture: Pooch frolicks in the garden of the park near Hector Chen's apartment.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Hector Chen Makes Plea Bargain

When The Odd Prowler mentioned the tragic case of Hector Chen on Entertainment Tonite, wheels were set in motion to unleash his eventual freedom.

In an unusual plea bargain, Hector Chen will be allowed to go free, provided he brings Pooch, the stand-in for back to life. Chen is the first man convicted of giving rabies to a dog when the dog who pooch was standing in for bit the vector.

"It's just another case of what he does. He makes promises and doesn't keep them," said his ex wife at her mansion on the Paraguay River.

"I couldn't agree with her more," said his other ex-wife, who was sipping a coconut with a straw in it.


Sunday, May 01, 2011

Towelamp Seized at Royal Wedding

A small commotion at the British wedding recently went all but unnoticed when William Towelamp became irate and began cursing in English. "Bloody hell. I am supposed to sit here!" he shouted as red-coated soldiers attempted to extract him from a seat next to Sir Elton John in the section reserved for Knights of the Empire.

The millionaire Canadian industrialist showed a card that indeed vouched for his knighthood, but then a background check performed by a diligent bobby from Bermuda, verified that all rights to knighthood had been subsequently revoked.

"This sucks," summed up the Odd Prowler when he saw soldiers carting Towelamp away in a carriage. "He doesn't deserve to be treated this way."

After he was gone, the festivities continued, festivities which included two royal kisses.

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Hector Chen on Death Row!!

Supreme Court Judge, Oscar Tyler-Gomez, has condemned Hector Chen for murder and now he is on death row!

Pooch, the stand-in for has died of rabies, and due to a mix-up in court papers, Hector Chen was found guilty for the crime.

"I severely doubt that dog had rabies before biting the accused. He, after all, is a star!" said the Maria Tyler-Gomez, the prosecutor, who clicked her stiletto heels where the exclamation point went in the previous sentence.

Hector Chen's lawyer looked at the ice melting in his glass of rye whiskey, waved his hand as if the air were jello, and said, "No questions, judge."

The courtroom gasped, but knew that someone had to pay for the crime.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Dog that Bit Hector Chen Quarantined

Due to the publicity generated when a dog actor nipped the hand of Hector Chen, scientist slash actor, and it swelled up, has been quarantined for rabies.

The animal whined moanfully as an animal shelter worker did an interview with Bluegreenplant reporter, Angela Ramos. "If that dog dies, then Mister Chen dies. That's all there is to it!"

"But isn't there a treatment for rabies?" inquired the astute reporter.  "A series of painful injections into the abdomen with a foot-long needle?" Her beautiful black locks wafted in the air, scented with Lysol and animal grime.

"You know," replied the animal control worker. "We don't have many women as beautiful as you coming in here. I must be a little flustered." He shrugged and grinned. "Sure there's a cure. I guess we could give that to the dog."

Ms. Ramos, even the more gorgeous deflecting the flattery, responded, "Oh, I mean for Mister Chen."

"I suppose we could get some shots for Mister Chen as well." He smiled in a distracted way as the alluring reporter squatted down and gestured with kissing sounds toward the famous, who cowered in the corner of the kennel.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Hector Chen Suffers Dog Bite

"Our tragic hero has hit rock bottom," announced the voice solemnly on the steps of the cafeteria at the Hotel Chiguiro in Downtown Asunsion, Paraguay. Then the microphone reverberated as Hector Chen received a supportive pat on the back performed by the Odd Prowler.

Next, it was the turn of Hector Chen to take the mic with the shaky grip of his bandaged hand. "I want to sincerely thank..." He rubbed a tear from his eye for effect. "I want to sincerely thank the Odd Prowler for saving my life." At this point, Hector Chen began blubbering. Then he continued, "...not one time, but twice."

The Odd Prowler smiled at the cameras, then ducked inside when a shouted voice in the crowd asked him about his immigration status.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Hector Chen to film Dogfood Commercial

Sources say that Hector Chen, Paraguayan Scientist and hero bigamist and illegal alien up north, has signed a contract to film a dog food commercial. It seems that he needs to replenish his coffers ever since losing in a double divorce trial and getting his nose bloodied in court by bailif, Tintin Coraje a short time ago.

"He must really need the dough," said the source, "because I hear that the dog-actor he is working with is a real unstable canine."

His two ex-wives have opened a windsurfing school and day-orphanage on the Paraguay river with their settlement. At least Chen's money is going to a good cause.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Hector Chen Denied Passport Renewal

In an unprecedented over-stretch of authority, a Paraguayan federal judge has denied Hector Chen's passport renewal application. Judge Oscar Tyler-Gomez of Asuncion has labeled Chen a risky traveler and stamped his file with his enormous gavel. "Why would he want a passport? Isn't Paraguay good enough for him?" said the judges spokesman, Bailif Tintin Coraje, an obvious patriot. "He wouldn't be trying to flee any upcoming court proceedings, would he?"

When contacted for comment, Chen replied, "It's ridiculous. I have nothing to fear from the court system. I respect the honorable judge, but as for his spokesman, he is a bedbug full of venereal infection and should be squashed. Wait, wait! Don't print that. It was off the record!!!"

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Hector Chen Photographed Hiding Fixtures

A Paraguayan parparazzi caught a series of photos of Hector Chen, scientist, hero and two-timing bigimist, removing fixtures from his residence and hiding them in an undisclosed location. Speculators have speculated that he is stripping the house in anticipation of losing it in his double-divorce trial.

Mary Tyler Gomez, lawyer for the two wives, has sought help from a psychic to locate the fixtures.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Tree Grows Leaves in one Day

A tree with no leaves mysteriously sprouted huge, green leaves overnight. This happened in Asunsion, Paraguay, where locals insisted it was a miracle.

"It's a miracle," stated a local with both palms on the side of his face.

Still other murmurings suggest that it has something to do with the Odd Prowler's appearance in the country.

"I think the Odd Prowler has something to do with this," murmured a figure who did not wish to be identified.

It was definitely a wild time.

Byline: Hector Chen, Scientist and new staff writer

Monday, January 24, 2011

Hector Chen Forced into Dilemma

After bonding over a couple of bottles of Paraguayan beer, two women claiming to be the wife of Hector Chen, national hero, have decided to divorce him in a class-action suit and buy a mansion to share on the Paraguay River.

They will be represented by a famous female lawyer, Maria Tyler-Gomez, who claims, "It is an open and shut case."

When asked to comment, Chen just stood with his jaw dropped and unblinking eyes.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Fisticuffs in Tickertape Parade

News photographers aimed and focused on the negative during a ticker-tape parade to honor the returned Paraguayan Scientific heroes. When two buxom ladies began swinging carefully manicured punches at one another, it was reported that each one claimed to be the wife of Hector Chen, the more vociferous of the two heroes.

When asked to clear up the confusion, Mr. Chen took the microphone in his hand and shouted, "Have you ever seen a parade like this?"

The confetti continued to fall.

Friday, January 07, 2011

Ticker Tape Parade in Asuncion

With a tap-tap of a surveyor's hammer, the two encased Paraguayan scientists were freed from their lava shells. "I am so grateful for this release!" shouted Hector Chen, the more vociferous of the two scientists. "Thank God for the Odd Prowler, who saved us from Limbo and oblivion!"

Everyone in the makeshift media circus at the foot of the rumbling volcano clapped. Some tears were shed.

When a media reporter from CNN rudely butted in front of a Bluegreenplant reporter who was already asking questions, the scientists were given the opportunty to speak their minds. "What are you thinking right now?" asked the CNN reporter as he jabbed a spitty microphone in the exhausted heros' faces.

"Um. What year is it?" asked one of the scientists while the other one nodded.

When told it was 2o11, the pair turned pale and the audience reached a reverse crescendo of a hush. "We went in there in 2010," said Hector Chen. "Now it's 2011. So we were in there for a whole year!"