Sunday, December 26, 2010

Odd Prowler Reinstates Christmas

The Odd Prowler announced today on The Blue Green Power Plant that Christmas can be celebrated after all. When the general public insisted that to celebrate Christmas would dishonor the memory of the Paraguayan Scientists who perished sadly in the volcano, The Odd Prowler let out an awkward guffaw and said, "You mean these guys?" and gestured to two statues of lava, which bore uncanny resemblances to the dearly departed scientists.

A hush was heard throughout the trailer where the briefing was held.

Then the Odd Prowler continued in impeccable English, "They fell down into the Center of the Earth. We caught them. They are safe and sound."

Then a little girl, the daughter of one of the camera operators, said something in a tiny, high voice, "How can they be still alive if they are in rock statues." Out of the mouths of babes....

The Odd Prowler handed her a Baby Ruth bar and scruffled the hair on her head. "Don't fret little one. It is just like carbonite. We will crack them open with a hammer and they'll be ready for a celebration because Christmas is back!!!!!!!

With the announcement, the Dow Jones Industrials shot back up to pre-cancellation levels.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Gruff Voice Identified

Scientific voice print animations were run through an anemometer in the lab at Charles Berkeley Labs in order to nail down the producer of the gruff voice which canceled Christmas on Earth within the past 48 hours. "This computer machine is state of the art. It will get down to identifying where those sound waves came from, ha ha ha," stated Charles Berkeley as he turned some dials. "I sympathize with those scientists who fell in the volcano. I once burned my hand in simulated lava and it hurt like a..."

Just then some beeping started and Dr. Berkeley excitedly grabbed a tongue of paper which extended from a slot in the machine. "Oh, my. It can't be," he uttered with disbelief.

The reporter for the Blue green Power plant requested specification. "CAn't be whom?"

With one hundred percent accuracy, that voice has been identified. Christmas was canceled by...The Odd Prowler!" Just then the doctor became faint and needed a Cup-o-soup.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas Canceled

"It is no time to have any kind of gift-giving, dancing, feasting, caroling, or contributing to charity events. Christmas is officially canceled," a gruff voice announced through simultaneous media outlets. "In place of the traditional holidays, residents of Earth are ordered to stay home and mourn the two Hero Paraguayan Scientists, who tragically tipped into a lava-spewing volcano." The voice appeared in all the countries of the world on all the televisions and radios that were turned on. "You are ordered to stay home and eat nothing more than popcorn, their favorite food."

"The voice had a slightly biblical accent," reported Tillie Tottington, a Broadway actress who knows more than three-hundred accents.

Starry-eyed tots and merchants stood with their mouths agape at the powerful announcement as parents and other consumers nodded in agreement and headed for their respective parking lots.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Hero Squad--Not So Heroic

A hero squad of crackerjack mercenaries sent by a private security firm in the USA accidentally toppled the limousine with two famous scientists into a volcano when it maneuvered to rescue the trapped Paraguayans.

"Shit shit shit," said Sir William Towelamp, the head of the security firm. "I knew I would have been better off with Canadians!" He really looked upset as he pounded his fist like a overtightened ball of meat on the fiberboard podium. A microphone squeeked and reporters shuddered.

On the streets of Asunsion, the previously planned welcoming ceremony will be changed to a funeral procession.

"This is a sad turn of events," stated Bill Duckton, who came out of seclusion to comment.

Everyone is sad.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Limousine Wheels Go Round and Round

The limousine with two scientists inside is perched on the rim of a volcano in such a way that the wheels are just spinning. They no longer contact the ground. "The thing is so precariously balanced there, if a feather or a speck of volcanic dust lands on the front end, the whole thing may tip into the gaping mouth of the fiery volcano's fury," said Trevor Clint, an aspiring novelist who is biking around South America. "I witnessed the whole thing."

Analysts hired by the Blue Green Power Plant have studied both home videos sent by Clint and live feed from Google Earth and they have another completely different assessment of the situation. "After careful analysis, we are sure that the novelist is wrong. It would take at least twenty specks of dust to tip them into the volcano."

Authorities have cut off the limousine's access to news reports so that the scientists will not get scared.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Pope Gets Stoned!!!

In a crazy Biblical twist, just as the Pope quoted the famous scripture, "May he who is without sin cast the first stone," a rock appeared from out of nowhere and hit his tall hat, which gripped his skull with velcro fasteners as he went off-balance and an unforgiving gravity pulled him to the floor.

He sang in a sing-song Latin, "I am OK," then was said to curse in German after four body guards piled on top of him to protect him from further projectiles. Vatican Doctors say that this pileup caused a hairline fracture in his spare rib.

Analysis of video from twenty seven angles has revealed the culprit in the attack. It was a reverse meteorite.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Pope Mentions Paraguayan Scientists in Sunday Mass

The Pope of Rome singled out the Paraguayan Scientists who are sitting in a limousine precariously upturned at the edge of the opening of an active volcano. He suggested that all Catholics and Heathens from other religions pray to the Virgin Mary to save the scientists, who appear to be too scared to try to open the car door.

"We are living off the vast stores of snack foods and liquor here in the limo," Hector Chang, the taller of the two scientists whispered in an interview over the limo-phone. "Don't worry. We have a bathroom and everything in here." Then after an awkward silence, the man who had dedicated his life to godless-science blurted out: "Pray for us!"

As the Pope mentioned the two scientists, he cringed and showed tension in his shoulders.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Oscar Tollenger Randomly Attacked by Reverse Meteorite

A CIA agent posing for over twenty years as a llama farmer in Iquitos, Peru has suffered scratches and severe embarrassment after the outhouse he was using was smashed into smithereens by the same reverse meteorite he had photographed attacking a limousine containing two Paraguayan scientists.

That story was reported in a previous Bluegreenplant story.

"I couldn't believe it," said his native Peruvian butler. "It was tenacious, obsessed, almost as if it was angry at him. I know it sounds crazy, but there seemed to be an intelligence behind it. The crazy flying rock kept on attacking until my boss ran into those piranha-infested waters which, by the way, is a tributary into the Amazon."

So far Agent Tollenger is still missing.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Peruvian Limousine Attacked by Reverse Meteorite

The Peruvian limousine which fancily shuttled the two Paraguayan scientists who were deported by the United States for soliciting a job at a fast food place, was attacked by an object which was eventually identified as a reverse meteorite.

"Holy f****!" said a bystander who saw the whole thing. "Just don't use my name or picture cause I don't wanna get on that d**** thing's bad side! No pictures man!" said Oscar Tollenger of Iquitos Peru as he waved his hands in front of the camera.

Raw video taken by Tollenger with his cell phone suggests that it may be the same reverse meteorite that attacked the plane the scientists were riding in.

The Peruvian limousine is now upside down and on the edge of a volcano opening.

It seems as if the scientists are in peril.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Paraguayan Scientists Criticize American Culture

It looks like the two Paraguayan scientists whose plane crashed in the Andes Mountains will arrive in their homeland in style. A Peruvian limosine service has volunteered to shuttle them through the Amazonian Basin and across the vicuña-sprinkled plains into Asunción, their capital city.

"We've been through a lot," said the taller of the two scientists. "But we are proud of the work we have done."

Then the shorter scientist nodded.

Before they got in the fancy limo, they were asked for a final statement and they both shouted in unison: "Everyone Loves Raymond sucks!"

The vehicle sped off on a bumpy cloud of dust before the reporter, who rolled his eyes and shook his head, could correct them. It is Everybody Loves Raymond.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Paraguayan Scientists Spotted on Google Earth

A Russian university student procrastinating his studies has been credited with possibly saving the lives of two hopelessly lost scientists who fled into the jungle after being shot at by Colombian troops in a case of mistaken identity. They found themselves in the jungle after their deportation plane crash landed after being attacked by a reverse meteorite.

Ivan Sunavivich spotted the panickers sprinting across a clearing in the rain forest--and still wearing their headphones from their first class seats on the plane. "I was messing around with the Google Earth when I saw them." He tapped his pencil on his face in an idiosyncratic gesture. "I saw them running and knew it was those guys I read about on the Bluegreenplant. I immediately called the Paraguayan Embassy and the janitor told me that a rescue was in the works." He smiled. "So I guess I am a hero."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Conflict in Andes Almost Kills Survivors of Crash

A Colombian rescue party opened fire on an Ecuadoran rescue team when they met face to face on a ridge between the two countries.

"We thought they were guerrillas. Who would have known that a small,minor country like Ecuador would send out a team to rescue those scientists who were attacked by the reverse meteorite," said a Colombian rescuer.

"If we are a minor country, then how come we got there first?" shouted a short little guy with a cap that said Quito on it. "Those guys were almost rescued, then these jerks...." he pointed at the Colombian leader. "...these jerks started shooting and scared them away."

The good news is that the scientists appeared to be in good condition when they ran away and disappeared into the jungle-laden hills.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Reverse Meteorite Attacks Plane

A reverse meteorite has attacked a plane where three distinguished Paraguayan scientists were enjoying a movie in first class. The movie, more accurately described as an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" with the racy scenes edited out for a general audience, was curtailed when the plane slipped off of radar screens and slipped into an unexplored section of the South American Andes.

A middle school student in Saskatchewan, Canada reported a wrong number in his math class at approximately 2:15 Canada time. "I got this call and I answered it cause I thought it might be my mum. It turns out to be this guy screaming that an asteroid was attacking his plane and he just said that they were going down down. Then I got a detention for using my phone in class."

Ecuador, Colombia, and Chile have offered to send out search parties.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Paraguayan Scientists Get Free Ticket

Paraguayan scientists who overstayed their work visas are looking forward to enjoying a first-class flight home to their South American homeland. "I suspect that we will be welcomed as heroes," said Hector Chen, the leader of the scientific team who discovered a creature living inside of a reverse asteroid/meteorite. "All of us on the team are homesick. Besides, it is impossible to find a job nowadays in the USA."

The scientific team was sponsored by Manuel Maximo-Gomez, an ice-cream truck driver who is renowned for publishing pamphlets on physics and hygiene. The carefully orchestrated investigation crumbled when a disgruntled fast-food employee revealed that none of the scientists was working for Maximo-Gomez, and one of them had actually applied and was hired to replace the employee who had been caught on videotape giving away free apple pies.

"Anyway, our job is done here. We have done the leg work. The rest is up to your NASA etc." smiled Dr. Chen.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Reverse Meteorite Stops at Fast Food Restaurant

It turns out that the reverse meteorite which shot into space from the surface of the Earth did not burn up, as regular meteorites do. Actually, it returned to the surface by making a pinpoint landing in a McDonald's parking lot.

"I didn't see anything," reported a customer who was there at the time.

"I didn't see anything either," added a manager who was working the shift.

Analysts have posited that the meteorite, which has been called an asteroid by some, may have emitted some kind of force which erased the memories of the people in the restaurant.

"This is like science fiction, but it is non-fiction," quipped the cousin of one of the analysts. Then he turned and continued, "Two apple pies, please."

Monday, July 26, 2010

Reverse Meteorite Spotted

"Instead of falling towards the Earth, the meteor shot from somewhere on the surface of the Earth and out into space," said a man who was so shocked that he could not remember his own name. "It just goes beyond the rules of science and turns everything upside down!"

The middle aged scientist with tie-dyed blonde hair was referring to an unnatural occurence that occured in front of a large bussload of tourists in Alabama. One of the tourists, Maggie Price, described the incident. A giant rock came out of the ocean and flew out into space. Scary as hell."

Experts have speculated that it was a reverse asteroid.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Probe Confirms Sugar Crystals on Moon

Librarian Matthew Probe has confirmed that an article in a NASA publication has documented the existence of sugar crystals on the moon. "Portugal has approached Kenya to pool resources and send a rocket ship up there ASAP," read Probe as he thumbed through the New York Times.

Mister Probe has been a librarian at his current location for over thirty-seven years.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sugar Crystals found on Moon

Scientists at the NASA Observatory have verified that sand on the moon is actually silica, a kind of sugar used on toast in Kenya and Portugal. Experts are at a loss as to how the strange manifestation has come to pass and it has been posited that the sugar has been there since the beginning of time.

The director of the Space Investigation Agency has schedueled a press conference to explain how much they have figured out and to answer any question from the press.

"This is so weird," said Tammy Salmander, a self-proclaimed groupie for the scientists at NASA.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Alien Destroys Robot on Sea Floor

An Alien that looks like Jesus, only smaller, has destroyed an expensive robot with some kind of gunk-ray, perhaps because it did not want to be photographed on the sea floor.

Tarooush Buckingham of South Calcutta, India, described the encounter. "I was remotely operating the robot, as per my job instructions. I work for a large American company at a remote computer console. Well, I was looking through the camera of the robot, you know with my computer monitor, and suddenly, sploosh! We were covered with black and brown goo. It was disgusting."

The science division of Robotor Drilling Corporation has alerted the US Department of Homeland Security to inform of the sudden onset of hostility from the alien.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Robot Spots Alien on Sea Floor

Images beamed from one of the giant robots sent to investigate a leak where a huge oil rig sprung a leak making fiasco an understatement, have revealed the image of an peculiar creature over a mile below sea level. "It might sound crazy, but at first I thought the image was Jesus," said researcher Phillip Conway of BP oil company. "Then we enhanced the photo and I posted it on my facebook. Someone from South Florida had seen it in a McDonald's Restaurant."

Nobody can explain why or how it traveled into the Gulf of Mexico, but one observer had a theory. "He is going to plug the hole and save the world," said Annie O'Corlkey of Hampshiretown, New Mexico.

An official at the company formerly known as British Petroleum had another theory. "I think that is the thing that caused the leak," stated Mark Tubledge, a lawyer for the corporation.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Coast Guard Vessel Sinks to Bottom of Ocean

A coast guard vessel which confiscated an asteroid with a creature inside has sunk to the bottom of the ocean. According to a major drydock contractor, there is no reason for the fast-boat to have sunk.

"I swear that my company earns every penny that we get from the US government. We inspected that boat and found it to be totally sound," said Shandly Tonslindale, president of Tinkletown, a company that sub-contracts with the United States Government to plug up holes in Coast Guard vessels and bathtubs and toilets. "If that thing sunk, it was not our fault."

The crew of the vessel were rescued by ocean voyager, Tyler Plomo, who, while cruising in his houseboat, spotted the three guys and one gal floundering around in phosphorescent life rings.

Bystanders on the docks expressed concern for the creature in the asteroid. Bababji Smith, ten years old, stated, "I sure hope that creature can hold its breath. Ha ha."

This reporter wanted to procure more comments on the situation, but had to meet a deadline.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Coast Guard Intercepts Asteroid

The United States Coast Guard has stopped a fleeing houseboat with an asteroid aboard. Creatures are living in the asteroid and it has been claimed by various individuals, including a trash digger's friend.

More details will be provided as they become available.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Asteroid Eclipses Ignot

All news stories about Bill Duckton exploiting his fame and popularity to help his friend, Bill Dafferty to legally steal an ignot that he doesn't deserve from a poor trash digger have been chucked onto the back burner of the newsroom now that someone has found the asteroid with an otherworldly creature in it.

"I found this weird thing and at first I thought it was Jesus inside a rock, but then someone at the McDonald's told me they heard about it on the news and it wasn't Jesus," said Tyler Plomo of The Ocean. "It captured great interest at first, then everyone from the McDonald's cleared out and I was the only customer. The girl talked me into buying two apple pies and I only wanted one. Then she said she would give me coffee for free if I took my asteroid outside. I got a large."

Tyler Plomo lives on a yacht and is a self-proclaimed traveler of the hemisphere looking for interesting objects in garbage dumps.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Dafferty Esctatic About Ignot

Bill Dafferty has radioed from an undisclosed location that he is as pleased as punch that he won the court case to get his hands on the gold ignot which was found by a guy accompanying another guy who was looking for something else.

Word is that Dafferty may send his lawyer, Bill Duckton, to claim the treasured treasure.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Judge Makes Ruling: Dafferty to Get Ignot

A South Florida District judge has ruled in favor of Bill Duckton, acting as attorney for the absent Bill Dafferty, granting possession of the gold ignot found in a garbage dump by a friend of a lazy employee who was looking for a tiny character who lives inside an asteroid who is not Jesus and was accidently thrown out by an overworked cleaning woman.

"Since the personnel cuts," said the cleaning woman, "I have had to do the work of two people. It's impossible to keep track of everything."

In response, a supervisor at the Blue Green Power Plant remarked, "She should just be glad she has a job!"

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Employer Sues Trash Digger For Gold Ignot

Bill Duckton, claiming power of attorney for Bill Dafferty, has filed suit claiming rights to the gold ignot which was found by a sub-contractor who was hanging around Mount Trashmore with a man hired by Dafferty to find an asteroid with a tiny creature inside.

"It's my gold!" he stated at the yacht show earlier. "I was hired by Thistle anyway. Finders keepers. That's the rule from childhood."

Leon Thistle has not made claim for the gold, possibly due to embarrassment because he found it but was too lazy to pick it up.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Trash Digger Ecstatic

A bum who was employed to search for a discarded asteroid by digging through Mount Trashmore in Non-incorporated Miami-Dade County is dancing around in circles even though he isn't Irish.

After a long day of searching through the grime of his fellow residents, Leon Thistle found something bright and shiny, which looked like a bar of gold. He tried to pick it up, but found it to be very heavy so he moved on.

Then Mikey Gorgleson went to the same place and managed to pick up the object, albeit gruntingly. He took it to a pawn shop and was surprised to hear that it was a real gold ignot--made of real gold.

When asked what his plans were now that he is a rich man he responded, "I quit." He looked into a reporter's camera. "Do you hear me boss?" Also I would like to buy a big house, like the one that Towelamp guy has.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Investigators Down in the Dumps

Investigators are sifting through garbage at "Mount Trashmore" in non-incorporated Miami Dade County in search of the asteroid with a waving creature inside which was accidentally thrown out by a cleaning person.

"So far we found a baby carriage with three wheels and my partner found a shoebox fulla gold coins. He ain't here any more," said Leon Thistle, who is now lead investigator. "I'm gonna keep on looking. I found some lottery tickets, but they were no good."

Friday, February 19, 2010

Asteroid Accidently Thrown Out

The asteroid with a waving creature inside was accidentally thrown out with the garbage while security guards were watching a Venezuelan soap opera's concluding episode on Univision. Apparently, a newly hired cleaning lady chucked the chunk of space rock into the dumpster behind the Blue Green Power Plant Building and automated garbage trucks picked it up as a beautiful sunrise emerged from the dawn to meet a new day.

"It was terrible, a terrible mistake," said Roncho Gomez, head of security at Blue Green Power Plant. "Angie married trevor only to find out that his true love was still alive and had escaped through a secret passage way in the coffin, but misunderstood that he was not really her brother after all." He sniffed. "But it all turned out well in the end. They got married."

Friday, February 12, 2010

Tiny Thing Inside of Asteroid is Not Jesus

Paraguayan astronomers have used strategy to verify that the tiny creature seen moving about in a hollow inside of an asteroid which crashed through the roof of a prodigious News Gathering agency is not the baby Jesus. as previously thought.

"We turned the tables on ourselves and used a microscope instead of a telescope," said one of the astronomers in a drunken stupor. "We didn't care what our colleagues were going to say. We wanted to find out what it was."

When they looked inside, they saw a creature waving, but it didn't look anything like the baby Jesus, as it was misidentified around Christmas time.

More studies and details are forthcoming, according to a maintenance man who was watching over the sleeping scientists.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Duckton Disappearance Raises Rumors On Internet

Chat groups and blobs on the internet are humming with rumors as to the whereabouts of Bill Dafferty, fugitive. It appears that he has escaped into a hole which was left by the Odd Prowler--a hole to the Center of the Earth.

Newly re-hired reporters Angela Ramos and Tabby Lane have been assigned the job of picking up the work left behind by Dafferty's absence.

"It's a damn shame," said Tabby Lane with her English accent. "And they are not raising our salaries a penny!"

Sunday, January 31, 2010

High-Powered Lawyer Reports Escape

A high-powered lawyer who was hired by William Towelamp to assure the prosecution of Bill Dafferty on charges of racketeering discovered something that will surprise the readers of this blog.

He said, "I went to his jail cell to taunt Dafferty a little bit, you know, make him crack. It's a technique I learned in law school for making those dirtbags confess. Anyhoo, I got to the cell and he had escaped. There was a hole in the bottom of the cell and not even his toothbrush was still in the cell. He would not run unless he were guilty."

A Blue Green Power Plant reporter on the scene, the recently rehired Angela Ramos, noticed that it was the same cell which held the Odd Prowler about a year ago--the one he escaped from. When court maintenance records were checked, they showed that nobody had repaired the hole."

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Irish Cop Arrests Bill Dafferty

A corrupt Irish cop has arrested Bill Dafferty while he was monitoring the line of pilgrims who were visiting the tiny baby Jesus inside of the asteroid which smashed into a candy machine when it came zooming out of the sky. "I'm placing you under arrest for runnin a numbers racket and cheatin all of these people out of their money." The cop seemed to be very serious.

All the people in the line insisted that he let him go. "We won't press charges," they insisted.

The cop seemed to lighten up after he was given a Mars bar. He got out the key to the handcuffs and jingled them in anticipation of releasing the prisoner.

"I want to press charges!" shouted a voice.

That is why Bill Dafferty is now in the pokie. Behind bars.

And who was that voice? William Towelamp, who had just arrived in Miami on his private Jet.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Tabby Lane and Angela Ramos Rehired

Due to an increase in funding on various levels, the Blue Green Power Plant has been able to re-hire the beautiful Tabby Lane, who was weighing bids from Fox News and Gauntlie's Blog which are rumored to be in the six figure catagory. "I became a reporter to inform people. That is why I return to the Blue Green Power Plant. Even though they mistreated me by giving other reporters corner offices while I was brutally let go, I appreciate that it is the only place in modern media that tells the untold stories," she said in her poetic, seductive and yet commanding voice.

On a side-note, Angela Ramos was also rehired.

Byline: Tabby Lane

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Dafferty Raises Price of Asteroid Viewing

Bill Dafferty has raised the price of viewing the Asteroid with the baby Jesus vision inside from Fifteen dollars to twenty seven dollars and 99 cents. Grumbling pilgrims had a conniption fit, but continued to shell out the dough. A survey, done by the Blue Green Power Plant, has collected data that shows that statistically, everyone who has viewed the Asteroid Miracle has identified the situation as extremely satisfying.

A vegetarian man who works as a butcher, Milbin Zerkseez, has stood in the three-hour line six times with hopes that the experience will bring him good luck. "I really this will help me with my job search." he said grinningly.