Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Pilgrims Flock to Asteroid

A long line of religious pilgrims is growing outside of Bluegreenplant Headquarters in Miami, Florida at its location at what used to be Burger King University. All shapes and sizes of characters, some desperate, some funny, some curious, have traveled from all four corners of the globe to witness the baby Jesus in a hole, drilled halfway through an asteroid which hit the roof of the building before destroying a candy machine--scattering Mars bars, Skittles, and other confections all over the floor.

The roof was repaired by Bill Dafferty, who is recouping some of his costs by charging the pilgrims a small fee to wait in a long line and take a look at the baby Jesus.

"If anyone wants to come, they should bring fifteen dollars and no cameras allowed," said Dafferty, who stood next to a Paraguayan scientist who drilled the hole while drunk on hooch. Then Dafferty added, "Are you going to get in line? It's fifteen dollars."

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Drunken Scientist Freaks Out

A drunken Paraguayan scientist has gone rogue on the rest of his crew and began taking a core sample from an asteroid which sits next to a vending machine at the headquarters of the Blue Green Power Plant. He drilled a perfect vipterl (sample) and upon placing it under the microscope, proceeded to scream that he, "saw the baby Jesus."

A spokesman asked the press to note that it was Christmas Eve and that he had been drinking a South American concoction known as "Hooch."

Friday, December 18, 2009

Core Sampler Arrives From Paraguay

Paraguayan scientists expressed jubilation upon the arrival of the asteroid coring machine. "This is like an early Christmas present," they said. "We didn't think it would arrive so fast. You see our country has the most efficient package transport in the world!"

They plan to take a core sample of the asteroid that crashed through the ceiling of the Blue Green Power Plant Headquarters in Miami, Florida right after attending a combination party in their honor/Christmas party.

The festivities begin tomorrow evening. When asked when they would end, Scientist Chen stated, "Who knows?"

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Experts Baffled

The team of Paraguayan astronomers summoned to investigate the mysterious asteroid seem baffled by the celestial rock. "It's so heavy, I don't think God could pick it up." said Hector Chen, the leader of the team. We are going to have to take a core sample, which entails sending for a coring device. It could take weeks for the equipment to arrive."

When asked what kind of tests he and his team would be running on the object, he just said, "We are going to Disney World."

Word from DHL, the worldwide distributor of stuff, is that the core sampler machine will arrive from Paraguay in two weeks to a year.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Ice Cream Truck Driver Checks out Asteroid

"Actually it isn't an asteroid at all," proclaimed Manuel Maximo Gomez, an ice cream truck driver who works in the neighborhood where a huge, hot rock from space smashed through the ceiling of the popular headquarters of the publisher of unusual, but true, news stories, The Blue Green Power Plant. Manuel Maximo Gomez was famous in his home country for having published seven pamphlets about astronomy and physics. "It is a meteorite," he concluded.

With great enthusiasm and bluster, he vowed to call in experts who could pick up where he left off on the investigation. An appreciative crowd applauded simultaneously after his announcement that a top Paraguayan astronomer has already been sent for. "I have made so much money selling ice cream to gawkers, that I swear to take this project on as my own personal obsession--to find out what is inside this asteroid, um, meteorite."