Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sir William Towelamp To The Rescue

The gallant and valiant Sir William Towelamp is mounting a rescue effort to save Bluegreenplant reporter Bill Duckton and Mayor Hecot Smithly, who are trapped in the center of the Earth. He was slathering industrial strength baby oil on his jumpsuit and puffy jacket as Towelamp told a reporter, "As soon as we gather enough guns and ammunition, we are heading down the hole. We'll take care of everything so the world will be happy again."

Truly a Knight in shining armor.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Crafty Lawyers Get William Towelamp out on Bail

William Towelamp, who was arrested last night for trespassing on land he used to own, is free on bail after serving less than eleven minutes in County Jail. He was arrested for entering the property with a cement truck and attempting to seal the hole that goes to the center of the Earth. He was caught by a security guard who finally woke up after hearing the noise of the truck. "I thought it was a monster, then I realized I was dreaming, man, and I stopped that crazy guy," said Cecil B. Toppinger of Moonstone Security Company.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Duckton Says Smithly is Too Bossy

Transmitting from the hole that goes through the Earth's mantle, to the center of the Earth, Bill Duckton, Bluegreenplant's cracker-jack reporter has filed a new report, which has set some of his co-workers at The Blue Green Power Plant on the edge of concern:

Bill Duckton here. As we get closer to the magma which surrounds the Earth's core, it is really heating up. My guide and exploring buddy, Mayor Hecot Smithly, is still sporting a puffy jacket which makes him hot and bothered. He is very bossy and obnoxious. Why are some people so talkative?! He talks so much that he doesn't hear what I am saying. The air down here miles under the Earth's crust is very earthy. It is like breathing in a deep hole way under ground. I would write more, but Smithly, the precious Renaissance Mayor, is blocking my light with his damn jacket and I am getting pissed off.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Duckton Jittery, but Insists He Needs No Rescue

Brave and valient Blue Green Power Plant reporter, Bill Duckton, has filed his latest report from over a mile under the Earth's crust. He insists that everything is fine and describes some strange things "where no man has gone before."

"Bill Duckton here. I should have brought a warmer jacket. My companion and guide, Hecot Smithly, is wearing a very puffy jacket which, although it keeps him warm, blocks my vision of what is coming up as we go down down towards the center of the earth. I brought a GPS thing and it is completely useless. I guess I will return it for a refund when I return to the surface."

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Bluegreenplant Reporter in Over His Head

The Blue Green Power Plant reporter who is traveling to the center of the Earth with the mayor of Mulch Park, Nebraska has filed a report that will knock your socks off:

What we see of our past trail is a diminishing circle of light from a sun that is farther away from us than it has ever been. In front of us, a somber flashlight limping on two double D batteries illuminates what no man has seen before.

It is cold in the inside of the earth and we can hear a grinding sound, presumably the sound of the Earth spinning on its increasingly unlubricated axis. Hecot Smithly is getting on my nerves; he talks about himself a lot. If I hear anything more about his adventure of being absorbed into a towel...I will go nuts.

I want everyone to know I love them.

-----Bill Duckton, Reporter and Journalist

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Duckton Describes Earth's Crust

Bluegreenplant Reporter Bill Duckton has filed his first report on his journey with Hecot Smithly to the center of the Earth:
"The Earth's crust is aptly named, resembling a pie crust. I wish you guys could see it.
We have observed worm-like organisms and there is quite a bit of pressure in our
ears. Have to admit, I am a little nervous, but Mayor Hecot Smithly, my partner and guide, is
an excellent conversationalists."

Bill Duckton

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Bluegreenplant Reporter Chosen From Volunteerbox

A Blue Green Power Plant reporter has been chosen from the volunteer box at Blue green Power Plant Headquarters. As you will recall, a suggestion box was placed outside the restroom (between the men's and women's restrooms) and reporters submitted their names in order to volunteer to accompany Mayor Hecot Smithly on his journey to the center of the Earth. The name was to be chosen completely at random.

This reporter will have a ground-breaking story, a lot of risk, and a lot of glory.

This just in; the reporter chosen in the volunteer box lottery is Bill Duckton.

Congratulations Bill.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Towelamp Lawsuit Falls Flat as a Pancake

No Nebraskan Lawyer for William Towelamp

William Towelamp's lawsuit to reclaim the land which was confiscated by the city of Mulch Park, Nebraska in order to drill a hole to the center of the Earth, seems to be a no-go. "There is not a lawyer in the tri-state region who will tackle that case. Nobody wants to get on the bad side of Mayor Hecot Smithly. There are rumors about the White House," stated a famous lawyer with a white beard and tortoise-shell glasses who waved his cane and with his unique Northumbrian accent requested to be anonymous.

A British child rides a Philatilus doll in a European advertisement for the doomed product

In a completely unrelated story, an investor in the US has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection after blowing his huge inheritance on investments into a company selling stuffed tiger dolls, modeled after Philatilus, the British tiger who was killed by Hero-Boy, the self-defending goat. "Nobody wants to buy them. I thought they would fly off the shelves," said the poor fool investor, Raymond Plankton-James.