Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Renaissance Man Released by Judge Judy Look-alike


A Judge who resembled television judge "Judge Judy" proclaimed the Vatican Police out of juristiction in Nebraska and the Renaissance Man was released. "Get out! You're a free man,"
she said. Reporters applauded, since it seemed that the Renaissance Man had no family or friends in the courtroom.

After the proceeding, a spokesman for the Pope said, "This is not over until it reaches the highest court of Heaven. We know he will be condemned in that court."

Renaissance man plans to return to his illegally built hotel on Interstate 80 in Nebraska. "I don't care if it is burried in mulch," he said, "I like it there."

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Pope Requests That Renaissance Man Be Sent to Guantanamo


In a convoluted Latin statement amended to the conclusion of mass today in Vatican City, the Pope requested that his followers all over the world pray that U.S. President Bush follow his holy request that the Renaissance Man be sent to the US prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The Pope made his supplication to the US leader by using a "American figure of speech." The official text reads as follows, "Mr. President Bush, The Renaissance man is a terrorist. We must make an end run around the US Justice system by using your handy prison camp in the only part of Cuba that is free!"

President Bush responded, "If he is a terrorist, we will lock him up and throw away a key."

U.S. Vice President, Lon Chaney, however, seemed to contradict what the president said, "We don't take orders from the Pope," he sneered today on Face the Nation.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Renaissance Man Calls Sir William Towelamp a "Chump"

It looks like the renaissance man of Interstate 80 in Nebraska will spend the Thanksgiving holiday in jail. Today during a preliminary hearing about his charges of obstructing the Vatican Police, Judge Milo Ottenger asked the Renaissance man his name and he refused to divulge it. Dozens of news cameras were rolling as he puffed up his chest and responded, "William Towelamp is a chump!"

The wrathful judge pounded his gavel and the bailif escorted the Renaissance man out of the courtroom.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Renaissance Man Arrested By Vatican Police


The Interstate 80 squatter who self-describes himself as a Renaissance man was arrested by the Vatican Police today and taken to an undisclosed location. Sources say that he is being charged with "obstructing the Pope's reporter."

When the Pope's reporter was interviewing Sir William Towelamp about his philanthropism for a Catholic News Channel, the renaissance man ran into the area where the video was being shot and threw dung, sod, or mulch at Towelamp, who appeared disgruntled. The renaissance man grabbed the microphone from the holy journalist and began ranting about magnetic mulch being dumped illegally on his hotel.

Spokesmen for Towelamp responded with a quip: "The Renaissance man didn't own this land anyway."

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Towelamp Cited for Illegally Dumping Magnetic Mulch


The Food and Drug Administration has cited Billionaire William Towelamp for illegally dumping tons of magnetic mulch on the side of a highway in Nebraska, USA.

Thomas Clonderman, assistant to the chief of the F.D.A. told a group of reporters that there will be no "coddling nor pollywoggling of polluters." He went on to say, "We are going to come down on this man with the full force of the law. We won't tolerate anyone assaulting the environment!"

Towelamp has paid his $500.00 fine and apologized for his actions. He has assured that it will not happen again. Several linear miles along Interstate 80 in Nebraska have been closed and declared a superfund cleanup site.

Several private companies are bidding on construction of the new bypass to route traffic around the site, including a company owned by Towelamp.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

William Towelamp now Sir William Towelamp


In recognition for his generosity to the people of the earth, William Towelamp has been knighted by the queen of England. Sir William Towelamp is an entrepreneur who made millions and recently bought up all the dangerous mulch and disposed of it in order to protect the public from its insidiously harmful magnetic forces.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Billionaire Buys Up Excess Mulch

A Canadian millionaire named William Towelamp has purchased all remaining stores of the mulch which was made from the magnetic tree that had a jawboneless skeleton in it. This mulch has been implicated in the disappearance of teenagers and in incidents of animals going crazy and attacking their handlers.

The mulch was previously sold on Home Shopping Network by the famous actress, Sarah Ponmingontl.

A spokesman for Mr. Towelamp states that the mulch is dangerous and will be destroyed to protect the public "from doom."