Sunday, February 25, 2007

Hecot Smithly Seen Visiting Rolch Wood in Hospital

Hecot Smithly, the man who was absorbed by a towel, was seen visiting and leaving flowers and fresh vegetables in the room of Rolch Wood, noted parazoologist. When nurses inquired as to whether or not he was a relative, he claimed he was a "brother in spirit" and that, "we must realize that Wood is not saying these things about being dead, the rabbit is making him talk."

Smithly refused to talk to reporters, but the nurses on that floor gave reporters an "earfull." They claimed that Smithly was chattering for over an hour with the patient, and that the patient was not speaking English all the time.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Rolch Wood Scribbles Cryptic Message

During his late-night romp through the hospital, security cameras caught Rolch Wood scribbling on the walls of the snack room. The message he wrote is baffling investigators. It reads as follows: "I am an abomination; let me die."

A hospital spokesman, Dr. Milo Ottenger, has stated, "I don't care if he dies. He is graffiting up the hospital. "

Wood's wife appeared in front of TV cameras on the front steps of the hospital. She insisted that the words are obviously not her husband's because he never used semi colons.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Rolch Wood Slips Out of Coma

A hospital security camera has caught Rolch Wood, the parazoologist who slipped into a coma while honing in on a fugitive cloned and human-footed rabbit which escaped from a lab in New Zealand after someone left the door ajar, roaming around the hospital at night, while the watch nurses were sleeping. A local TV station has aired the video which clearly shows wood sliding on the newly waxed floor in a pair of hospital booties and shaking a candy machine.

Doctors insist that the video is a hoax and that Wood is still in the coma.

The night nursing staff insists that they were awake through their shift and that they are insulted by the insinuations of the TV news reporter.

Wood has been in the hospital since a campaign by readers of this blog pressured his insurance company to "do the right thing" and cover his claim.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Teacher Suspended For Killing Turkey in front Of Children

Turkey in Schoolyard
A third grade teacher in Astoria, Oregon was put on paid leave for killing a turkey in front of a group of students, who were very upset. Said the teacher's lawyer, Upton Duncan, "It was a very aggressive turkey, so Ms. Aldonis defended her students, who were being pecked and were screaming."
Ms. Aldonis, it is alleged, killed the turkey with a 44mm handgun which she kept in her purse.
Little Jimmy Soapington commented on the Oprah show in an interview earlier today, "She blow the sh** out of that damn turkey. She says I'll turn ya into soup an' she did."
According to Jimmy Soapington, the turkey was pecking his friend, Rey Tut, who was too traumatized to go on the Oprah Show.
Investigators say the turkey escaped from a poultry plane which had been flying over the city moments before.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Rolch Wood Speaking in Tongues

Still stuck in a coma, brought on by brain wave activity from a rabbit he had been tracking mentally, Rolch Wood has been recorded speaking in tongues. Although the Canadian Parazoologist is bilingual in English and French, he is recorded as saying utterances in Latin, Aerolian, and Spanish. The Blue Green Power Plant hired a professional linguist to analyze the recordings and these are the utterances and English translations below:

"Tempesta fugit"--time flies
"Mustela putorius fugit"--The ferret flies
"Lhkpntupan ocuebth bvito"--Don't talk, I'm thinking my way out of this
"Estoy en el centro de la tierra con unos bestias--I am in the dirty shopping center with teenagers