Thursday, January 24, 2019

Blue Green Power Plant Posts Record Earnings

The bells ringing on Wall Street recently are because of The Blue Green Power Plant--the news service that you are reading right now. It has posted record earnings as it skyrockets out of the red and into the black. "It looks like our shareholders are going to get a nice surprise in the mail," said Bluegreenplant lawyer, Larry Finchbert of Finchbert and Sons. "This trajectory correction has been gradual, so it has taken quite a long time to track down all those with dividends coming," Finchbert said. "Some kids in Mulch Park bought one percent of the company years ago, and now they have a nice one-hundred-dollar check coming. That'll be some help, I'm sure." He was referring to the kids from the Children Who Need Help Charity.

Just then another lawyer leaned out from behind a computer terminal. "Dad, actually it is one-hundred-sixteen dollars each."

"And when will those checks arrive?" asked the Bluegreenplant reporter.

"Oh, the checks are in the mail," Finchbert smiled.

Friday, January 04, 2019

More Than Meets the Eye

Although no one in the Willow Creek, Montana neighborhood of Euclid Green has suspected a thing, one unassuming cottage at 15 Tottenger Street consists of 54 underground rooms just below a modest single family home. The house, dubbed The Batcave by Bluegreenplant reporters, includes a gymnasium, a towel museum, toilets equipped with periscopes, and thirteen snack bars, among the many other assorted rooms.

"This discovery was a team effort," stated Angela Ramos, who in a journalistic partnership with Bill Duckton, detected Towelamp's secret hideaway by studying maps of immigration tunnels extending below the Canadian border. Towelamp, originally a Canadian citizen, apparently bribed smugglers to give his property a wide berth when digging their tunnels. Underground schematics of the roundabout system made tenacious Bluegreenplant investigators curious about exactly what was being avoided.

Further investigations with ground-penetrating radar and Bluegreenplant's own modest exploratory tunnel system, uncovered Sir William Towelamp's subterranean lair.

Neighbors were shocked to hear the news. "I had no clue! I thought Towelamp died years ago," stated Jerry Bird, who lives next door. "Although I should have suspected something when Carl--we know him as Carl--paid me five-thousand dollars to relocate my septic system to the other side of my property. I thought he was just picky."

Even more  astounding than the Towelamp Batcave complex, is the explanation for his disappearance. Although many have assumed that that Towelamp disappeared into a life of secrecy to avoid a lawsuit from the Children Who Need Help Charity, these people are failing to remember that news agencies such as Bluegreenplant reported many years ago, the children won their case and collected a hefty settlement. As a matter of fact, legal historians are mostly in agreement that Towelamp hastened the children's win by sending a bargain-basement replicant to testify rather than showing up in person.

Through intense digging, both literally and figuratively, The Blue Green Power Plant has discovered that Towelamp is in the federal government's witness protection program for his secret testimony in exchange for immunity against a very dangerous mobster cartel. Bluegreenplant salutes Sir William Towelamp for doing the right thing.

This country needs more people like you, William Towelamp. Surely people all over the country are rejoicing at the news that you are still alive.