Friday, November 30, 2018

Convoy Heroically Swoops to the Rescue

"We all have seen his movies. He's like a brother to us. That's why we are all sworn to put our lives on the line to protect him from any and all threats, foreign or domesticated." Those were the words of Stephen Lunk, leader of the Loomis, California Militia. His enthusiasm made up for his erroneous reference to actor Clift Barwell by the name of a fictitious character he played on TV. "When Jerik and his team of dolphins sunk that terrorist speedboat in the Persian Gulf, they didn't ask how much the gas was going to cost, or what shows they were going to miss. They just protected America, and now it is payback time. We are not going to let those terrorists touch a hair on his head. If they try to breach our perimeter, I kid you not, it's go time."

Lunk described his militia as "better equipped than some countries' armed forces," and  claimed to have used Google Earth to lay out a plan to hermetically seal the Meditation Retreat Center, with Clift Barwell safely inside.

Commander Lunk refrained from revealing too much intelligence on specifications of armaments and estimated time of arrival, but based on traffic on highway 99, they should be all set up and in position in a matter of hours--well before Naptimez Ova! converges on the Meditation Retreat Center.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Chacon Middle School Placed on Lockdown

Chacon Middle School was placed on lockdown five minutes after the dismissal bell rang, resulting in panicked students sprinting in all directions and parents  blocking the parent pick-up lane with SUV's.

The reason for the lock-down was the school's proximity to the freeway where all the shenanigans were taking place. According to the district's rubric, this created a high threat level. Assistant Principal Russet, in an effort to diffuse the confusion, may have added to it when he cancelled the lock-down so custodians could clean the rooms in a timely manner. "What the f**k! It was called too late! Dumb as f**k principal calling a code red after the bell--That's just great. Oh shit!" the assistant administrator was overheard saying on the school's intercom system, after he forgot to take his finger off the button.

On the lawn next to the parent pick-up lane, several adults got into a fist fight just as the sprinklers were turned on by pranksters.

At one point in the confusion, it was stranger danger on steroids as a tall figure zoomed into the melee, grabbed a child and took off.

Not to worry, however. School security cops who had barricaded themselves in the security office immediately identified the tall stranger on the video monitor. It was Hubert the Police Robot, and he was giving little Todd Howard Jefferton a ride home on his shoulders.

From the edge of the freeway above the chaos, the convoy of black and white police cruisers blasted their red lights and sirens as a salute to Hubert, who was now going to make the rest of his way on the surface streets--accompanied by his thirteen new friends, AKA Naptimez Ova!, and also one somewhat closer friend, who suddenly had gained the reputation for being the coolest kid in the school.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Assembly Election Dead Heat

After four machine and two manual recounts, the election for a California Assembly seat has been declared a tie. A marriage counselor was ordered to election headquarters to deal with the candidates, who were slinging mud and making accusations of fraud, election rigging, voter suppression, and withholding of sex.

Judge Plankton G. Smith's first trial since being unanimously approved to the bench was an unusual one. Robert Nornan, Republican and Rebecca Nornan, Democrat--a married couple--ran against one another for the position of assembly member for district 81. The campaign became very heated at times and at one point, the two had to be tasered when they both ganged up against a security officer who was attempting to break up a fight between the two of them.

After intense counseling, they have agreed to share the job by working as a team and even agreed to use a Magic 8-ball if necessary to resolve sticky issues. Currently, the couple is in Martinique working on coupling strategies and teamwork activities.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Estelita Transmits Message to Mom of Todd Howard Jefferton

When a thirsty reporter approached the front door of the home of the family of little Todd Howard Jefferton, the boy who accidentally burned down the boys' locker room at Bobby Chacon Middle School in a ceremony to get rid of his Naptimez Ova! paraphernalia, she noticed that Ms Jefferton was not watching the live broadcast on the news of the police chase and subsequent escort of Naptimez Ova! and Hubert the Police Robot.

"Ms Jefferton, are you aware of the shenanigans that are going on right now on live TV?" asked the Bluegreenplant reporter, who was making the best of an assignment because she was not allowed to cover the real story out on the freeway.

The single mother seemed distracted. "What? I can't watch TV right now. I am very busy. I have to make 150 tamales as fast as I can," she said.

The reporter kept pushing, "But are you aware that Hubert the Police Robot has joined up with Naptimez Ova!?"

Just then, a reporter from the Gossip Sheet shoved his way through. "Exactly what is your relationship with Hubert the Police Robot?"

Suddenly, the little girl who had previously handed out popcorn at the press conference, Missy Alvarez Jaramillo, appeared, speaking in a protective tone to Ms Jefferton. "Let me handle this." And then to the reporter, "Just what is it that you want?"

The Gossip Sheet reporter was taken aback. "One Coca-cola, please."

"Two dollars," said the little girl.

She took the money and handed him a grape soda. The Bluegreenplant reporter saw an opening as Gossip Sheet fiddled with his change and she elbowed back in front of him into the doorway. She decided that her best bet was to play her sisterhood card; maybe she could work in one follow-up question. "Excuse me, Ms Jefferton. As a women, I can tell you that's a lot of tamales. Why are you making so many tamales?"

"Estelita sent me a message. She instructed me to make one hundred fifty tamales."

Simultaneously, the Gossip Sheet reporter realized that something was remiss. "Do you realize you gave me the wrong drink and the wrong change?" he said to the little girl.

"Wrong question," she retorted and firmly slammed the door.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

VIP Escort into Pacoima

Law enforcement rank and file did not need much goading at all when it came to re-interpreting the orders laid down in Operation Tuckemin. "I was the first car to intercept them, the Naptimez Ova! gang, and I was so pissed off because my air conditioning was out and it was a hot day," said officer Sasaki of the California Highway Patrol. I mean, I didn't need the overtime and I was already bored as hell from stakeouts and driving around. I was ready to kick some ass or break some heads!"

But the violent fantasy projected by Patrolman Sasaki was suddenly preempted. Something triggered a change in that tough-as-nails cop's heart--and also in the hearts of thousands of other police officers in the operation.

"Officer requests escort to exit 6B in Pacoima." It was the voice of Hubert the Police Robot. With unwavering confidence and brotherhood he said, "How's your intestine, Officer Sasaki?" Hubert the Police Robot was subtly reminding Sasaki of the time he saved the patrolman's life by detecting salmonella in a burrito during a code Seven.

"My intestine is great, Hubert, thanks. And you've just given me a wake up call. It's time for me to show some guts!" Then he switched to a general frequency. "All units! An officer is requesting an escort. And we are going to give it to him. Follow me, Hubert." Those few lines were all the convincing the formation needed to morph from a spider pincer movement to the grandest escort in the history of Los Angeles County. Thousands of patrol cars formed a magnificent river of black and white and Hubert and Naptimez Ova!, once they got up the hill and past the awkward part, cruised along on a flow of fraternity and respect.

Spectators applauded from the overpasses and beeped their horns from the sides of the freeway.

Suddenly, Captain Jeckobar's voice jammed into the radio frequency, screaming for the officers to follow original orders. He threatened to fire them all.

Just as soon as Jeckobar took his finger off the transmission button, a different voice appeared, a calming voice--on an even higher frequency. "This is FBI Agent Giles Gullard," the voice said, "Belay that order. Everyone proceed."

Friday, November 23, 2018

Dr Hershel Burns Draft Card

Dr Hershel, the inventor of Hubert the Police Robot, has held a press conference to respond to his draft notice from Sheriff Captain Jekobar. He stood pensive in front of a multitude of press microphones, insisting on redundant sound checks to verify that everything was in working order. Finally, he spoke. "Can you all hear me?" he said.

Members of the press and onlookers from the general public reassured him.

The famous robotics researcher removed and unfolded a paper from a folder in his brief case. He identified it as a copy of the letter from Captain Jeckobar. "My esteemed Captain, I would like to take this opportunity to respond to you." He then held the paper up to the bank of microphones and scrunched it up slowly and deliberately.  "Let me share a story with you. I used to regularly beat Hubert at chess. Until, one Sunday morning, in the middle of a game, he grew silent. I said what is the matter Hubert? He accused me of cheating."

Rapt attention from the audience.

"Well, I was thinking it was back to the old drawing board. It had to be a malfunction. I have never cheated at chess in my life. But then Hubert did something extraordinary, something I had never programmed him for. He said that he was just kidding. We continued the game and he defeated me in four moves.

The audience, including this Bluegreenplant reporter, seemed confused.

"You see," continued the scientist, "He successfully threw me off my game. He used a completely human strategy. He intentionally unnerved me. I didn't fully appreciate it at the time, but when he paid me that tribute and expressed gratitude to me at that awards banquet, not only did he throw me completely off my game, but I never felt prouder. It was humbling; it was just what I needed. I have replayed that evening in my mind and let me tell you something. My ingrained smugness was replaced by a pride which goes beyond myself. I am eternally grateful."

"Before this, the last time I felt that anything was so good or so right had been the afternoon I defeated the reigning spelling champion in the international spelling bee by spelling the word potrophxinixiz. I subsequently walked out of that convention center on my first date with the most beautiful girl in my high school. We got ice cream, by the way, and that stroll down Dolengerr street in London is one of my fondest memories. I felt as if every eye was upon us, looking with admiration. "

"Only, with Hubert it wasn't only for me. I had given something to the world. That little girl with the ice cream, I eventually convinced her to marry me. Because of radioactivity, we were never able to successfully conceive a child. Well, I am as serious as an isotope when I say this to Captain Jekobar. Hands off our son! He joined those boys on the freeway because he knew it was the perfect way to get under your skin. He knew you had him deactivated and you should be ashamed. You have met your match. Tell your men to stand down. He will never harm a human through action or inaction, but he will defend himself!"

The Doctor then raised a clenched fist into the air in a gesture which was awkward and appropriate at the same time.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Jekobar Drafts Dr Hershel to Quell Terminator Rogue Cop

Captain Jekobar of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department has appeared on all local news channels reading an open letter to the one person who can definitely stop the threat of Hubert the Police Robot, the rogue cop who has joined forces with the Naptimez Ova terrorist organization. His commanding voice, familiar to many, was unmistakable. "To Dr. Hershel: All the people, not just Hollywood, but all the people of the South-land are calling on you to pull the kill switch and deactivate Hubert the Police Robot. He is converging on our city with the power of a ten megaton bomb and he must be stopped."

The letter pointed out that, as the inventor of Hubert the Police Robot, Dr Hershel has a moral obligation to pull the plug and he compared the famed inventor to "an accomplice to a teenaged Hitler" if he did not immediately take action.

When asked for comment, Dr Hershel was noncommittal. "An open letter? Why didn't he just call me on the phone?"

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Plankton G. Smith to be Named to US District Court

"Since he survived the sinkhole incident and returned to the surface of the Earth, he has seemed like a new man." That was the observation of biographer Chance Mickdermott, the prize winning author who has decided to postpone publication of his latest book Judgement Day for a Judge. "I can't publish simply because it's so obvious that he has so much more of his life story yet to come."

Observers have observed many observations about Judge Smith, and the Blue Green Power Plant has been right there on the observation platform taking notes. Since he appeared wearing a tunic and asking for a shot of tequila outside the Natural Thunder Cafe in Mulch Park, Nebraska, he has described himself as a spirit re-infused. An old army buddy, who happens to also be an old time Florida realtor, re-conceived his former property as a fishing hole and sold it at a substantial markup. "I grabbed the cash in one hand and my wife in the other and headed west for solid ground in California. No more of that sinking feeling for me," said Judge Smith on a recent appearance on the Tonight Show. The host of the program, whose name this reporter does not know, commented that he had never heard Judge Smith crack a joke before. And Smith let out a full-throated guffaw and said, "I know, right!?" The audience applauded--without the need for any applause sign.

Now that Judge Plankton G.Smith has been nominated for the US District Court Western Division of the Central District, he seems to be a shoe-in. Mickdermott, who has extensive notes on the life of Judge Plankton G. Smith, was recently seen in Walgreens buying additional reporter's notebooks. "He will be named Judge of the federal court, so his most interesting years are most likely still ahead of him," observed Mickdermott.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Police: Operation Tuckemin in Full Swing

Video from news helicopters shows the Naptimez Ova! gangsters resembling tiny flies captured in a web of transportation arteries as they struggle with the uphill grade back into the San Fernando Valley. Black and white cruisers from five different municipalities, along with  one supermarket security guard agency, stretch far into the distance from all directions, converging upon the floundering skateboarders. The image suggests thousands of spiders moving in for the kill.

Captain Jeckobar of the LA County Sheriff's Department explained Operation Tuckemin in his recent press conference. His full statement follows:

"We are collaborating with various law enforcement agencies to perform a pincers movement on all sides. They can run, but they can't hide. Now, it is them who are sitting ducks, not Clift Barwell, who, as a citizen, we are sworn to protect. Let me be crystal clear, we're not doing all this because he is a movie star. This would be the situation for anyone. Now, these punks are in the company of a rogue officer who doesn't know what he is doing. He doesn't know if what he does is right or wrong. He's like a ventriloquist's dummy on steroids. It's my assessment that he's been tragically turned into a sort of mechanical zombie. Now, the DA is going to charge these guys with kidnapping a law enforcement officer and put them away for years, possibly for life. Which brings me to the point where I explain the title of our operation. They call themselves Naptimez Ova!; well, let me say this with all disrespect if I may; it's time to put these delinquents to bed. It's time to tuckemin!"

At one point during the question and answer session, Jeckobar used the word expendable in reference to Hubert. A chill went across the room and several pencils and one iPad were accidentally dropped onto the linoleum floor. One reporter shouted, "Jesus!" More than one prayer was sent up, begging God to help the SWAT team to extract Hubert in one piece.

Freeway overpasses along the route are lined with spectators and looky-loos. Courteous LA drivers have made way for law enforcement, but their vehicles now line the highways like the overflow parking for some kind of festival. Several taco trucks are selling food and motorists and their passengers resemble spectators from an old-time drive in movie.

In spite of the atmosphere, the operation is going smoothly and as planned. According to a notebook found in open police vehicle, Operation Tuckemin is an acronym for: Tread Upon Culprit Killers Every Mistake Is Neutralized.

Monday, November 19, 2018

Robot Re-activation Traced to South Florida

A famous LA County Sheriff's Department psychic has advised extreme caution when dealing with Hubert the Police Robot, the Robot who joined up with the terrorist gang, Naptimez Ova! Lainie Haggard says that Hubert was remotely activated by a psychic force emanating from South Florida.

She annoyingly hummed and hesitated, as if she were pretending to pick up vibrations, then she said something that not only astounded the disbelievers at the press conference, but made them believe. "I keep conjuring Marlon Brando in Streetcar. I pick up one name over and over. Stella! Stella! No! The name is Estelita. Someone named Estelita activated this police robot mentally!" At this point she collapsed into a nearby La-Z-Boy chair and took a sip of iced tea.

If Ms. Haggard is correct, this is not the first time Estelita has interjected herself into situations clear across the country. Nor is it the first time she has been involved with Plimberton and Naptimez Ova! She became famous when she posted about Billy Plimberton on several social media platforms from jail-- without any access to a computer. She was incarcerated for contempt of court when she refused to use her powers to help authorities find Naptimez Ova!--wanted fugitives at the time. Also, it seems a strange coincidence that Hubert has joined up with Plimberton when the key vote that found Estelita not guilty at the end of her highly publicized Florida trial was juror number three, Billy Plimberton.

When asked about the possible motivation for Estelita, Ms. Haggard said, "All I can tell you is her name! What? Do you just assume that we all know each other?!  No more questions; I'm tired."

Hubert the Police Robot Goes Rogue!

In a scene reminiscent of the classic movie, Escape From LA, Hubert the Police Robot suddenly self-activated and escaped from the technology lab at the LA Sheriff's Department's Sylmar substation. Security footage has him springing to life and banging two technician's heads together before crashing through a wall next to an open doorway and exiting the building. He then activates his roller-wheels and accelerates away from the range of the camera.

Later, security camera footage picks him up rolling down Interstate Five near the town of Gorman, where he caught up with Naptimez Ova!, who had seriously overshot their destination on their skateboard rampage through the Southland.

In a shocking turn of events, it seems as though Hubert has joined their ranks. A traffic helicopter got a fantastic close-up of Hubert the Police Robot and Billy Plimberton shaking hands with one another. The photo was so clear, with a perfect slant of mountain pass sunlight, and so well composed, that it already has been tagged as a contender for a Pluitzer Prize.

Said a police spokesman, "Hubert is a walking, rolling arsenal, He's a fort with a face, and now he has joined a known terrorist organization. If any doubt remained about him being compromised by a foreign power, it has disappeared now. He has been hacked.

But when the technicians regained consciousness, they noted that their computer had run a complete diagnostic which reported absolutely no evidence of hacking. "On the contrary, he has a clean bill of health," said the second technician, the guy who wore the T-shirt with the words Code This! on the front.

"We think he is taking these actions on his own," said the first guy.

Both the technicians shrugged at each other, "He is self-aware," they echoed back and forth.

The last report of Hubert the Police Robot had him pulling a U-turn with Naptimez Ova! It seemed that he was directing them back into Los Angeles.

Sheriff's Office Technicians Overheard Talking About Fate of Hubert the Police Robot

Sheriff's Office computer technicians were overheard at Millipede Restaurant on Foothill Boulevard in Pacoima, discussing the future of Hubert the Police Robot. When a Bluegreenplant reporter approached them for clarification, they didn't mince words. "We are going to have to wipe his hard drive and do a total dry re-boot."

When Bluegreenplant asked why, the two of them hemmed and hawed. "Well, it's just that we don't have any idea..." the first guy admitted.

Then the other guy interrupted. He had a T-shirt with the words Code This! printed on it. "Actually, that's not true. We definitely have an idea. As a matter of fact, The Gossip Sheet's website reported that the country of Slobvenia has been hacking law enforcement robots in preparation to hijack them and take over countries in the west.  Our leaders have been hiding this from us to avoid a panic."

Apparently the procedure will totally wipe all memories from Hubert the Police Robot. If this happens, little Todd Howard Jefferton will lose his new father figure and his mom will be a solo single mother again.

The two technicians planned to run the procedure right after they finished their burgers and shakes.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Captain Jeckobar Relieves Hubert the Police Robot of Duty

Captain Jeckobar of the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department has ordered Hubert the Police Robot to a status of off duty with pay because of Hubert's unusual behavior at the awards ceremony last night. "He's not supposed to do that, fight over who gets to hold the award and push past the other guy to get a chance to speak first. That's just not his programming."

Most of the press and most of the rank and file of the department were shocked at Jeckobar's decision. "In all respects to the captain I respectfully disagree. Hubert was a little excited, that's all," stated a young deputy who didn't want to give his name. We can just refer to him as badge number N-10459.

Captain Jeckobar insisted that there was something wrong with Hubert. "We will bring him in for a check up, a full diagnostic. God forbid, but if he has been hacked, we will find out. And when we subsequently find the hackers, well, they will meet with our own anti-virus team."

A persistent rumor asserts that the country of Slobvinia has been extending itself through the reaches of the internet in order to take over law enforcement robots in other countries.

The Blue Green Power Plant tried to reach Hubert the Police Robot for comment, but technicians said that he had been turned off.

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Commotion at Awards Ceremony

When a police robot extends the boundaries of heroism, saves human lives and gets dangerous wackos off the street, who should get the credit, the robot or the robot's inventor? This is a question from the future that has found itself smack dab in the present. The scene played out last night at the Police Awards Ceremony at the Kenneth Hahn Hall of Administration, where all the top brass and rank and file of the LA Sheriff's Department had gathered to honor their own.

One of the highlights on the agenda was the Award for Brave and Selfless Heroism. When Hubert the Police Robot's name was called the house went crazy with applause, admiration, and friendship. It was no surprise. Hubert had probably saved a life of at least one person in each row during his year and a half on duty. When Hubert's inventor, Dr Herschel, climbed the steps with his creation following in step right behind him, he seemed beside himself with pride and enthusiasm.  The genius inventor paused for a moment to take it all in. He waved and smiled. But as he turned to accept the award, Hubert had already accepted it. They stood side by side for the photo op, but Dr Herschel seemed upset. He snatched at the gold framed certificate of valor, but Hubert kept pulling it away at the last second.

Dr Herschel ordered Hubert to hand him the award, but Hubert didn't obey. Thankfully, this awkward moment did not last. What happened next carried tones of the sublime. Hubert approached the microphone and gave one of the most eloquent speeches that had been made since the auditorium was dedicated. 

"When we hurt each other out of shortsightedness and pride it is just like punching our image in a mirror because we are really hurting ourselves and it cuts us--leaking out our life energy."

Dr Herschel reached into his pocket and pulled out a remote control. Frantically, he pushed buttons.

Hubert continued. "I took out the batteries, Dr Herschel. Now, as I was saying. When we sacrifice too much of our life energy through cold-hearted actions, we degenerate towards something less than human. Some of us cry and some feel sorry for ourselves, but some among us summon forth the vision for something substantially more than human to balance things out. Thank you for this award and thank you Dr Herschel for inventing me."

Dr Herschel, obviously moved, could barely get the words out, he was so choked up. "You're welcome, Hubert."

One more photo was taken of the two holding the silver-framed award, as a team.

Although that was the largest gathering of tough-guy men and women that this reporter had ever seen, there was not a dry eye in the house when Hubert took Dr Herschel by the hand and they exited the stage together, side by side.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Classmate of Todd Howard Jefferton Steps Forward

Missy Alvarez Jaramillo 10, has given an impromptu press conference in front of the home of the family of Todd Howard Jefferton, the boy who teeters on a sea-saw of judgement: Some call him a thug-like arsonist and others refer to him as a misunderstood survivor of PTSD. Missy identified herself as a friend of the family--and especially Todd Howard. She claimed to share three classes with him at Chacon Middle School, until she paused and proceeded to hand out individual bags of fresh salted popcorn for every member of the media.

"These are from Ms Jefferton," the little girl announced. "And me. Enjoy. I have been sent out to make a statement. After my statement, there will be a short question and answer session." Her pigtails and OMG a Unicorn t-shirt contrasted with her mature, almost professional demeanor. When a reporter from The Gossip Sheet tried to blurt out a question, she smacked him down with a simple phrase: "Please follow instructions as they were given. First I have a statement prepared by Todd Howard Jefferton."

Two crickets and one cicada could be heard, until the little girl cleared her throat and they also became still. For a moment, the neighborhood experienced a welcoming lull of silence so strong that the freeway a half a mile away could be heard coursing along. "Ahem," she said. "Todd Howard Jefferton would like the whole world and Mars and Jupiter to know that he did not set that fire on purpose. He is not a firebug and he is not an arsonist, whatever that is. He felt bad for disappointing his mother and, to be honest, a little scared of her, so he decided to get rid of his Billy Plimberton costume. He set it on fire with a blowtorch made from a coach's lighter and a can of Axe body-spray deodorant that some kid left out in the boys' locker room. Todd Howard was out of the Naptimez Ova! business for good. And that was that--until the locker room erupted in flames during sixth period. Oh, and he says he is still sorry about it and thanks the fire department. I added the last part."

She turned and started back up the path to the house. The reporters all began raising their hands and shouting her name. Some shouted "Missy" and some shouted "Miss Jaramillo!"

She pointed at a reporter for a question. Unfortunately, it was a reporter from The Gossip Sheet. "Yes?"

"Yes, Miss," said the reporter. "Can you tell us if Hubert the Police Robot is sitting on the couch next to anybody?"

She smacked him down again. "How can I know where he's sitting if I am outside? No further questions. And if you want something to drink, we have water and soft drinks for two dollars a piece."

With that, she skipped up to the house and went in.

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Naptimez Ova! Misses Freeway Off Ramp

A California Highway Patrolman who earlier expressed frustration at being unable to catch Naptimez Ova! exceeding the speed limit, set up a stakeout to nab them on charges yet to be determined at the West Pennsylvania Avenue-La Crecenta/Montrose exit of the 210 Freeway. "They looked like they were going so fast," said officer Sasaki, a corpulent cop who clutched a large cup of Coca Cola in his hand. "But actually, when I clocked them with my radar gun, I found them to be going exactly at the speed limit." He went on to describe the traffic of the other vehicles and how its lack of speed made the skateboarders look so much faster. "Anyway, I will catch those punks for something. I'm waiting at the bottom of exit 17A. They will make a mistake and I will arrest the whole gang."

Off ramp 17A leads to the Verdugo Mountains and the Meditation Retreat Center.

"Are you a Clift Barwell fan?" asked the Bluegreenplant reporter.

"This has nothing to do with Clift Barwell! Sure, I'm a fan, but this is about keeping our freeways safe. That's the tradition of the CHP." He took a sip of his Coke.

When asked if it was legal for anyone to ride a skateboard on the freeway, Officer Sasaki grumbled about there being no law against it because of the new Highway Deregulation Act that was just put on the books by the legislature. At this point, he took another sip of his Coke, which echoed with the familiar sound of a straw sucking air at the bottom of a drink.

This hollow sucking sound was soon replaced by dozens of zooming skateboard wheels approaching.

"We got um!" said Sasaki. He put down his cup on the hood of his cruiser and unsnapped his holster.

But Naptimez Ova! didn't slow down. They continued at a high rate of speed and whizzed past the off ramp, producing the Doppler effect.

Sasaki did a little two-part dance, at first it was because he was upset, and then it was in celebration. "Those idiots missed the exit! Barwell is safe! Prayer works! Thank you Mother Mary."

According to Google Maps, there is only one way to get to the Verdugo Mountains, and they had just missed it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Editorial: Is Todd Howard Jefferton's Mom in Love with a Robot?

An Editorial by Tabby Lane, Blue Green Power Plant staff

A constant drivel of gossip is being released by sub-par news services such as The Gossip Sheet. We at Bluegreenplant feel a sense of obligation to set the record straight. Rumors that Ms Jefferton has fallen in love with Hubert the police robot are just that, rumors. Lookie-loos and litterbugs have been loitering in front of the family home trying to catch a glimpse of the highly publicized couple. It's disruptive. It's intrusive. Seven people have been arrested already this week for trying to take selfies with Hubert the Police Robot. The charge has always been the same one: interrupting the forward motion of a police robot. When will some people learn their lesson and stay five feet away, as instructed?

Citizens and machines should be allowed their privacy. What they do with their lives (when off the clock) is their own business. The owners, Phillip and Sandra Bunkmun of the Gossip Sheet should be ashamed of themselves for upending the lives of good solid citizens and public servants with unverified tales and ignorant conjecture.

The truth of the matter is that, according to neighbors, Hubert the Police Robot has been visiting on a nightly basis. It is a known fact that he does not need to rest up after his shift and only needs four hours per night to re-charge. He has been dedicating his time to keeping little Todd Howard Jefferton out of trouble and counseling his mother on reasons why she should not hit her child with a shoe when she becomes frustrated with him. What's more, a UPS man who visited the house said that the family is more communicative, calmer, and answers the door much faster now that Hubert has become a part of their lives.

Also, it looks as if someone has been eating sunflower seeds on the back porch.

So let's all take a breather and give this family some breathing room.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Coroner's Office Tweets Good News

People who follow the LA County Coroner's Twitter account seldom expect to hear anything happy, but this evening's post is good news--especially for Jerick the Dolphin Trainer fans!

The post of county coroner Martin Andrada went like this: "I don't know who these stiffs are, but neither one of them is Clift Barwell. I can feel the energy from this place. I assure you he is still alive, probably meditating on some rock. Rock on, Clift!"

Later, Andrada, received substantial criticism for his lack of sympathy for the two victims, who were found dead on the footpath outside of the Meditation Center. The coroner read solemnly to news cameras from his report, then added his personal comment. "Apparently two buddies from Bakersfield loaded up on arms and ammunition and headed south to protect  Barwell from the imminent onslaught from Naptimez Ova! Splatter marks and the orientations of the corpses suggest that they got confused when they were taking up positions and shot each other," he read, "multiple times. Listen, I'm sorry for calling them stiffs. I had no idea they were there for Barwell."

Civic leaders are planning a candlelight vigil for the two young heroes, Calhoon Miltonson of La Cresenta and Georgie Miltonson of Bakersfield. "They just wanted to be part of history by saving the life of an icon, and they were done-in by their own itchy trigger fingers," stated Father Rodriguez of the San Fernando Mission Chapel.

Coroner Rushes to Meditation Center

Clift Barwell fans have been glued to their police scanner frequency-band radios for days, listening helplessly as if doing so could provide some sort of protection for their beloved celebrity.

Today they listened in on the call that everyone dreaded. A dead body outside of the gates of the Meditation Retreat Center. "I heard it on the police radio. I've been tracking Naptimez Ova! moving slowly north, like the mercury in a thermometer getting hotter and hotter, going up until it explodes!" said Trixie Moss of La Mirada, California. "A cop called the coroner to pick up a dead body and I nearly lost it. I've been a fan of Clift since I was a baby. We all saw this coming when those monsters were released from jail, but we couldn't do anything to save him," .

"We should've gone outside and driven up to protect him from those punks," said Trixie's self-identified boyfriend who Trixie would not let put his arm around her. "I mean, we knew where he was, so helpless--and all we did was talk about how the traffic was so bad."

In tribute to the victim, the LA County Coroner sent one of the same body-wagons that was used in the popular TV series, Quincy, where Barwell once worked as an extra.

The Barwell fans monitoring the scanner radios were in such a shock that it took over twenty minutes before anyone calmed enough to post the situation on the internet.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

One Cludderman Spills the Beans and the Other Cracks

In retrospect, there was definitely a foreshadowing of the excitement to come as a rather prim bailiff almost lost it when he caught the wife of defendant Marcus Cludderman with food in the courtroom. After a tense morning, which included the successful de-activation of an explosive device brought in as evidence, Mrs Cludderman took advantage of the confusion to sneak in a Tupperware container filled with pork and beans. "I'm so sorry," she insisted, after it slipped and splattered down to the floor when, according to courtroom video, she adjusted her girdle.

"Food is prohibited in the courtroom," shouted the bailiff, who looked as if he had plucked his eyebrows a little too enthusiastically, making him appear meaner then he really was. "I suggest we search her, your honor. Who knows what else she may have on her person.

With that comment, the defendant snapped. "If anyone is going to search my wife's person it will be me! OK? The lack of respect in this courtroom... You could cut it with a knife!!"

The real judge seemed startled, "A knife?!" he said, as if he had just begun listening.

At this point Cludderman's face reddened and he stood up from his chair. "I am madder than a bag full of pole-cats! Y'all are so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel!"

He had the courtroom's complete attention. Even the janitor seemed to forget about the splatter of pork and beans for the moment.
Cludderman continued his tirade: "You idiots don't know if a bird is shittin' in the rain! I am the talent! I was a shoe in! I should've gotten that part. I'm the only logical choice! Not a brainless Hollywood ninny! I am the original country judge! The fact is clear." Then he screamed at the top of his lungs, "I AM THE ONLY TRUE COUNTRY JUDGE!"

The tension in the courtroom was welcomely cut by the tinkling sound of the mop in the wringer.

Cludderman's lawyer palmed his face and his eyes remained covered.

“Your podcast was pre-recorded, wasn't it?” asked the prosecuting attorney.

“Well, duh!”

"Where did you get the explosive device?"

"I don't have to answer that. It's my second amendment rights."

The judge intervened. He spoke with a calming, folksy tone. "We just want to know where you got the mortar, Marcus. It looks like you did some pretty good horse trading."

Cludderman's ire had subsided to an eerie calm. "Bakersfield. The gun show." He sat down slowly.

The court reporter signaled that she had broken a fingernail; she wrapped a piece of scotch tape around her fingertip and continued.

Without prompting, Cludderman leaned into the microphone and very deliberately and clearly enunciated three words, "They deserved it," he grunted.

Friday, November 09, 2018

Hubris Gets Cludderman as his Time Ticks Away

A team of prosecuting attorneys bankrolled by director Steven Speigleman seemed unable to provoke a reaction out of defendant Marcus Cludderman, who is accused of attacking the Country Judge--The Movie coming out party with a military grade mortar attack. When shown security footage of himself dancing around and celebrating with a cigar at a mini-mart identified as the staging area for the attack, Cludderman and his lawyer insisted that it was a double, and they presented computer evidence that showed over a thousand Cludderman look-alikes live in the Los Angeles area. Included in this evidence were 16 photos of Marcus Cludderman look-alikes from the nearby Walmart alone. What's more, Cludderman seemed to have an iron clad alibi. He was live on the air presenting his podcast, Country Judged, Unplugged from the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley: "I don't see how my client could be in two places at one time," stated his attorney, Lance Meadows. "I move that the charges be dropped."

The judge nodded in affirmation. His corn-cob and pewter gavel seemed to tip a sympathetic hand. He was just about to drop the charges when another member of the prosecution's team burst in the door. A young law student carrying a large object in both arms was apologizing profusely for barging in. He was wearing a non-matching tie and his pants revealed a little too much of his white socks. He clanked the object on the evidence table.

"Nice job, Jimmy," stated the high-powered leader of the team of lawyers. He spoke to the judge and then immediately addressed the defendant. "Judge, may I enter this into evidence? This un-exploded mortar was found in the tiki bar in the backyard of Director Steven Speigleman. Mr Cludderman, will you please read what is written on the side of that bomb."

At this point, the courtroom quickly emptied, leaving only the judge, jury, defendant, the defendant's wife, and the respective legal representation. This meant that The Blue Green Power Plant had another exclusive.

"I certainly can not read it because I don't have my reading glasses," replied the defendant. Mr Marcus Cludderman, accustomed to being on the judges bench,  seemed totally out of place as a defendant in a courtroom. He looked at the judges gavel and then at his own empty hands. His civilian suit looked like something from an old Andy Griffith TV episode.

"The court can provide you with a pair of reading glasses, sir," the lawyer replied. A bailiff handed a pair of purple reading glasses to the defendant.

Cludderman read aloud: "You better give your heart to Jesus, because your ass is mine," was painted on the side of the bomb with the same fingernail polish that Cludderman's wife was currently wearing, Hillbilly Harlot.

"Checkmate!" said the lawyer.

Just then, the bailiff noticed that the mortar was ticking and the judge called for a recess and an ordinance defusing team.

Thursday, November 08, 2018

Naptimez Ova! Continues North on I-210

Zigging and zagging through traffic, Naptimez Ova! is making incredible progress on its skateboard run through the Los Angeles Basin. Witnesses say that they made one stop in Eagle Rock for tacos, but they didn't stay long. "They purchased them with an app, then picked the orders up and just zoomed away," said the manager of Cheffy's Tacos on Eagle Rock Boulevard. My employee accidentally gave them the super picante hot salsa instead of the medium. I tried to tell them, but they were already gone."

They are on a direct trajectory for the Meditation Retreat Center in the Verdugo Mountains, where their sworn nemesis, Clift Barwell, is meditating. Barwell has no way of knowing he is in danger. Bicycle messengers, hired by Barwell's agent and sent to the gates of the compound have reported that no one answers the gate when they push the doorbell. They also claim to have experienced a repelling energy field as they tried to get closer to the entrance. These messengers finally gave up when their $300.00 drone was brought down by what they described as an energy beam.

Wednesday, November 07, 2018

Widow of Plankton G. Smith Must Return Insurance Check

Judge Plankton G. Smith, the judge who disappeared into a sinkhole in Florida, has re-appeared at the mouth of a cave in Mulch Park, Nebraska. Sitting in the Natural Thunder Cafe with a Bluegreenplant reporter and a bottle of tequila from a nearby liquor store, he recounted a fantastic story of his survival since the night he disappeared. He gave rambling details of a city in the center of the Earth where they have a blue sky, speak an unknown language, and treat visitors with great respect. "I stayed with a really nice family," he said. "I don't usually drink like this." He ceremoniously slammed his shot-glass on the table and pointed to signal another pour.

When the Bluegreenplant reporter called Judge Smith's "widow" for a surprise video chat, she was overwhelmed with tears. "I am sure this is very emotional," the reporter said.

"What if I already spent the life insurance check?" she muttered.

"On what?" The judge looked around, as if he were trying to find his missing gavel. "What are you buying now?"

"What the blazes is with that beard?!" she countered.

At this point, the reporter went for a walk to let them have some time alone.

Todd Howard Jefferton Takes Bus Without Permission from Mother

The tragic fall of Little Todd Howard Jefferton seemed to pick up momentum, like a bomb destined to continue its downward trajectory until self-destruction. The rules were just meant to be broken as far as little Todd Howard Jefferton, firebug and leader of the street gang--Understanding Youth's Anger! was concerned. He took a city bus from Pacoima to Chandie's Tacos in Eagle Rock. Apparently he did not even have enough money to pay for the food or the bus ride home, so the newly-minted gangster made a move nobody would have anticipated--he called a deputy sheriff to give him a ride home.

A Bluegreenplant reporter caught up with Todd Howard Jefferton who rode on the shoulders of the helpful deputy, about a block from his family home. What this reporter saw was not a thug-gangster-monster at all, but a timid little kid in need of some understanding. Unfortunately, a reporter from The Gossip Sheet was also in the area, stalking the poor boy. "How did you like the tacos?" asked the gossip reporter. "Is your mom going to beat you?"

The deputy and Todd Howard ignored the obnoxious questions.

The Bluegreenplant reporter jogged up next to them and reacted with surprise upon seeing the deputy's face. It was Hubert, the Police Robot. "Hubert. Is the boy in trouble?" Hubert just handed Bluegreenplant a bill for the taco place.

Moths swirled around the porch light, which illuminated the check for this reporter. Suddenly it had become clear that the situation called for reassessment. There was something about the choices made by the little boy. He hadn't just thought of himself, he had also ordered a deluxe plate for his mom--to go. You are going to have to travel very far to find a middle school aged child with this level of consideration for others, especially for his mother. Please excuse the editorializing.

Little Todd Howard Jefferton held the bag in his hand, carefully keeping it level so the food wouldn't slosh around. The boy looked at the Bluegreenplant reporter, and explained. "When he rescued me, he said I could call him any time, so I did." He punctuated the sentence with a shy, yet triumphant, smile.

The Blue Green Power Plant reporter still held on to the bill as they disappeared into the house.

Just then, the gossip reporter caught up, extremely out of shape and breath. "How much was the bill? What did he order?"

It wasn't time to talk. It was time to head south to Eagle Rock and make good on the tab. 

Tuesday, November 06, 2018

Naptimez Ova Headed North on I-210

A phalanx of skateboarding gangsters was spotted breaking formation and heading north on Interstate Five out of Downtown Los Angeles. A TV traffic helicopter shot video of them weaving between cars, trucks, and traffic cones. "It seems that Naptimez Ova! will get to their destination long before the motor vehicle traffic," said Ranger Roberts of the KTLA Hover Patrol Traffic Report. He laughed humorously.

Suddenly, an interruption from the station. "Um. Ranger! This is Madeline at the news desk. Can you tell where they are in such a hurry to get to?"

"No can do. They just got on the 2 and are headed for the 210. That would take them to some very excellent taco places in Eagle Rock." Ranger chortled again.

The transmission cut off and back at the studio, Madeline and Tanner just looked at each other. That awkward moment of dead air cost the station thousands of dollars.

Madeline gasped. "They are headed towards the Verdugo Mountains."

Madeline slightly choked up and Tanner took his cue, "Yes, they are headed for the Verdugo Mountains, location of the Meditation Center where Clift Barwell is taking a cyber-vacation."

Madeline blurted out that Barwell was a sitting duck, and then the station cut to commercial.

The monks at the Meditation Center do not communicate with outsiders and Clift Barwell has no access to television, cell phones, computers, or even newspapers. Perhaps sitting duck is an understatement.

Monday, November 05, 2018

Judge Cludderman Back in the Courtroom

Judge Marcus Cludderman, the former star of the original TV version of Country Judge, is back in the courtroom. But instead of sporting a fancy jurisprudence robe, he is wearing an orange jumpsuit!

When FBI agent Giles Gullard expanded his investigation of the Billy Plimberton attack on the Country Judge--The Movie cast party, he began to notice that the clues didn't exactly fit together. "Plimberton is right handed, but those mortars were fired by a left-handed person," stated Gullard. "Also, we have video of someone who looks exactly like Marcus Cludderman buying a celebratory cigar from a service station mini-mart exactly twenty blocks from the crater that used to be the Speigleman mansion. Twenty blocks is the exact range of that type of mortar and that mini-mart matches the exact trajectory." Agent Gullard, a seasoned combat veteran of the US war with Grenada, is known for his meticulous calculations. "To top it off," reported Gullard, "Cludderman bragged about the attack on his Country Judge Unplugged podcast."

For a former judge, Cludderman's court performance seemed rather ham-handed. When asked by the real judge, "How do you plead?" he responded with an annoying stream of consciousness.

"When I was a little boy back in Cass County, my friends and I had a little fishin' hole and we didn't want to share it with anyone else cause we could catch some hum-dingers with just worms, a hook and some string," he said. "Some real whoppers!"

"The  court shall enter the defendant's plea as not guilty," announced the real judge, whose name this reporter hasn't been able to verify.

With that statement, court was adjourned.

Outside the Downtown LA Courthouse, a phalanx of skateboarders slowly gathered momentum down West Temple Street. As they passed, a security guard held a salute until they disappeared down a hill. It was Naptimez Ova!, celebrating justice. They had taken a leisurely walk into Little Tokyo and now cruised their way out with state of the art skateboards, reclaiming their freedom with an exclamation point!

Sunday, November 04, 2018

Todd Howard Jefferton Files Paperwork to Start a New Street Gang

Young Todd Howard Jefferton has filed an application in downtown City Hall to form a new youth gang called Understanding Youth's Anger! The exclamation point is part of the name. The charter for the gang says that it is open to anyone who is mad as hell because their parents suck. 

This pyromanic-arsonist thug, young Todd Howard, has acted in a way that really peeves this reporter, so excuse my dropping into the first person and editorializing. Plagiarism will bring you to the proverbial Hell in a handbasket!  An office clerk pointed out to me that these words are cut and pasted directly from the charter Billy Plimberton wrote years ago for Naptimez Ova!, a gang which, by the way, has been declared a terrorist organization by the city of Mulch Park, Nebraska. According to the charter, gang members will hang out together and bring understanding to the community. This is another line lifted from Plimberton.

Chatter about this charter application has traveled world wide and there has been no shortage of comments. Robert Nornan, the Republican candidate for California State Assembly seat 81 has said that the application must be rejected and that no one from the general public should be allowed to read it. "Marking it top secret will prevent copycats," he insisted. 

The Democratic candidate for assembly seat 81, Rebecca Nornan, has stated that it should be fully released to the public after going through redactions from a bi-partisan committee. She also insists that it must be rejected. 

What the candidates and commenters world wide have not realized is that the application has already been approved by the new Los Angeles County ARRS (Automated Robot Review System), a system obviously not calibrated to detect plagiarism. 

When a Bluegreenplant reporter showed up at the house of the family of Todd Howard Jefferton, the boy's mother seemed surprised to hear the news. As she read the charter, she simmered until her anger approached the boiling point.  She then, with a yank on the forearm, invited this reporter into the house where she took a cooking pot off the kitchen range, carried it down the hall, and flushed its contents down the toilet. "So much for his favorite dish!" she growled. She then sat down in a PVC chair on the porch, ominously removed her sandal from her left foot, and waited--angrier than a boiling pot of Spaghetti-O's

The Bluegreenplant reporter explained that if the child were to go to university some day, plagiarism would get him placed on academic probation or kicked out immediately. Ms Jefferton's face took on an even angrier tone of red. The reporter stepped back and calculated the travel time for the child's bus ride from downtown to Pacoima and decided to leave the neighborhood before dark.

Saturday, November 03, 2018

Psychic, Estelita, Says She Stands Beside Mother who is Beside Herself

"When my son tried to burn down the whole city and nobody was there for me,  I was at my wit's end. I started to meditate and I got a message from Estelita. She is the psychic woman who comforted me so much when my boy disappeared into thin air," Todd Howard Jefferton's mom said.

To be honest, this Bluegreenplant reporter was dumbfounded by the supernaturality of the story, until Ms Jefferton explained to her that it was a text message on her cell phone. "Estelita told me that the best thing to do is to put my child face-to-face with Billy Plimberton!"

"That sounds like a terrible idea," replied the reporter.

The reporter wanted to explain more about the dangers of Naptimez Ova!, but Ms Jefferton would have none of it. She just told her to close the gate on  her way out. She nudged the reporter away,  then, sat on the floor with closed eyes and palms facing the sky, said, "I have faith in Estelita." As the reporter edged out the door, Ms Jefferton sprung to her feet and not only shut and bolted the front door, she also locked the back door and doggie door--as verified by this reporter.