Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Three Experts Argue Preadolescent Psychology

At a recent panel discussion at the World Psychological Conference in Brussels, three expert child psychologists seemed unable to come to a consensus to explain the odd and destructive behavior of little Todd Howard Jefferton, the kid who tried to burn down Chacon Middle School.

Mortin Irkman, a writer and experimenter from UCLA, insisted that the child was experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. "Wouldn't you be mad and strike out at the world if it threw three tear gas canisters in your lap? We have to send the boy to a place where he can do activities, such as crafts and sports games with veterans--others who have a chip on their shoulder. They can talk it out.

Li Feng Kuang, from the China Socialist-Capitalist Institute  said,  "It seems to me that he thinks he is the real Billy Plimberton and now is acting out his terrorist impulses. For so much time he was wearing that Plimberton costume. A part of him thinks he is the leader of Naptimez Ova!. We have to counter-brainwash him and reeducate him slowly back to his original self.

Salama De Los Rios PhD, from the University of Malanga, Spain offered another take on the psychological condition of the boy.  "Lo que nosotros estamos averiguando es la posibilidad de que el paciente siempre llevaba estos impulsos en su subconciencia." This was translated by her assistant as, "It looks like the kid was a jerk before all this and is still an asshole."

Little Todd Howard Jefferton still has several days of after-school detentions to serve.

School Counselor Pens Ominous Report on Todd Howard Jefferton

Things don't look too good for little Todd Howard Jefferton, the kid who disappeared into thin air when he was mistakenly kidnapped by the Mulch Park Posse, who erroneously thought he was terrorist Billy Plimberton.

The psychologist's assessment read, "Child may have some behavioral issues due to poet-traumatic stress and pressure." Towards the end of the assessment, the first page is splattered with blue ink. An arrow has been drawn pointing to the ink next to the words, "Kid is f***ing crazy!" The splatter was from when he stuck a blue ball-point pen into a classic 1990's pencil sharpener.

Todd Howard Jefferton was given two-weeks of after-school detentions.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Todd Howard Jefferton Implicated in Locker Room Fire

An overworked counselor at Bobby Chacon Middle School took a protective stance as reporters endeavored to push past her to get a photograph of the suspected arsonist drinking a chocolate soda in the back of her cubicle. "Leave the kid alone! You have no idea what he has been through!"

She was talking about little Todd Howard Jefferton, who, on his first day back at school, is accused of trying to burn down the boys' locker room.

First responders from the Pacoima Fire Department quickly doused the flames, saving the school and extinguishing a blaze that could have devoured half the city if it had not been caught in time. Smoke from burning sweat-socks permeated the air with a wafting acrid gas reminiscent of the tear-gas spewing double-wide where little Jefferton was held prisoner. The traumatized boy appeared to be in a daze until he picked up a pencil and, with encouragement,  stuck it in to an electric pencil sharpener on the counselor's desk. The child's eyes lit up ever-so-slightly when the pencil came to a point.

"Back off or I will call security!" she shouted with a tone exclusively reserved for wildly misbehaving classes.

The press backed off.

A Bluegreenplant reporter shot off one question before fully exiting the office. "Ms. Brandis, what will you do with Todd Howard Jefferton?"

At first she ignored the question, but this was one of Bluegreenplant's most charming reporters, Bill Dafferty. She couldn't help but respond, "If we had enough money in the budget, we would get him counseling. Instead, we are just going to punish him."

Just then a pen went into the pencil sharpener and the interview was over.

Monday, October 29, 2018

Barwell Retreating to Retreat

The obviously agitated agent of Clift Barwell has announced to paparazzi that Clift Barwell is unplugging for a period of time and will be unavailable for stalking. He is headed for the Meditation Retreat in the Verdugo Mountains north of LA. While he is there, he will be completely separated from newspapers, telephones, computers, television and memes. "He always likes to meditate and get into character before he begins shooting a picture," said Michael Sternberger, Barwell's longtime agent. The Meditation Retreat is famous for people sitting on rocks and watching the sunset. It is also said to be pricey.

The scatter around Hollywood is that, in spite of the mortar attack on director Steven Speigleman's coming out party, the picture is still on schedule and if Barwell is meditating, the production will begin soon. The show must go on!

Barwell Crashes Press Conference

Agent Giles Gullard required no introduction as he approached a gaggle of news microphones with an air of officiality. He started with a general statement in reference to the recent apprehension of Billy Plimberton and Naptimez Ova!. "They turned themselves in and after hours of questioning, they insist they didn't do it. What's more, the only proof against them is the report of the graphologist, and we can't seem to track him down."

The press just stood for a while in an odd silence, totally awed.

"Any questions?" asked Gullard.

A particularly aggressive reporter, a man with a beard and a beret, pushed his way to the front of the press corps. He spoke with a French accent. "Agent Gullard! That video of Clift Barwell was so obviously fake, wasn't it?"

"Do you have a question about the case, sir?"

"It was totally fake. But isn't it true that we have real video tape of Plimberton confessing not only to the mortar attack, but also to stealing that painting, Ventriloquist and his Dummy which was taken from the Huntington?"

"Actually, no. That was the minor who was kidnapped, Todd Howard Jefferton; he confessed to those crimes. What's more, we don't think he did it." Gullard closed his notebook, clicked his pen, and tucked it in his pocket.

Another reporter tried to ask a question, but the Frenchman put his hand over her mouth and shouted more of his own questions, "But he signed the spray-painted threats with the initials BP in blood-red paint! Obviously that means Billy Plimberton! He is obviously guilty! Ouch!"

The other reporter would not be silenced. She stomped his foot with a six inch heel stiletto heel, sending him hopping in circles. "Get your grubby paws off me you..." she said.
"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" Just then the beard fell to the floor.

"Clift Barwell!?" The woman reached up and pulled off the Beret. It was him.

Clift Barwell had taken on a new role and it had not gone well. As Agent Gullard pretended to take a call on his cell phone and wandered away, the other reporters turned on Barwell, telling him he had ruined the press conference.

Barwell, realizing that the shock of getting caught had dropped him out of character, rapidly exited the venue.

Saturday, October 27, 2018

Giles Gullard to Hold Press Conference

The famed FBI informant who worked his way up through the ranks to a position of district supervisor has scheduled a press conference to "clear the air" about the events surrounding the recent arrest of Billy Plimberton and 12 other members of Naptimez Ova!. Agent Giles Gullard will make a little speech and then answer all questions from the press that he has time for. His spokesman has remained tight lipped, but did mention that too many rumors are swirling around.

When The Blue Green Power Plant contacted Clift Barwell for comment about recent developments, Barwell stated, "I just hope that the FBI guy points out that the video of me is totally fake and it should be removed from the internet."

"Are you breathing easier now that Plimberton is in custody?" asked the reporter.

"I was never scared of those punks. They were annoying little brats who didn't appreciate anything. And then they grew up into punks, plain and simple!" stated Barwell projecting his voice with a scolding finger gesture.

It seems as if Clift Barwell has hired a script writer, and perhaps an acting coach.

Friday, October 26, 2018

Barwell Responds to Mean Memes

A meme of Clift Barwell has gone viral. It seems to be a manipulation of the Starbucks security video in which he panics and runs into a wall. In the meme, Barwell runs full force into the extended fist of Billy Plimberton. When Barwell hits the ground, a bell rings and a Plimberton says, "Naptime'z Ova!" Then the woozy actor gets up and it repeats on a loop.

"It's so funny," said Middle school teacher Mr. Joshua of Nacho Middle School in Escondido, California. "The kids were laughing during the lesson, so I got mad, but then they showed it to me and...look!" Just then Mr. Joshua held out his phone to show the reporters the video.

The scatter around Hollywood is that Director Steven Speigleman directed Barwell to go public and defuse the situation with self-deprecating humor. But without a script, the Hollywood actor seemed at a loss.

At the press conference, a reporter shouted, "Do you still hear bells, Clift?"

Clift Barwell nodded awkwardly and lifted a smile hindered by recent Botox injections.

"Ding! Ding! Ding!" said the reporter, who, by the way, was not from the Blue Green Power Plant. He was from a competitor of lesser renown, The Gossip Sheet.

"Shut up! It isn't funny!" Barwell's face turned red, but remained incongruently expressionless.

Speigleman put his arm around Barwell and rushed him out of the venue.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Real Billy Plimberton Turns Self in to FBI

A very neatly lettered sign sits on an easel in a corner of Mallory Square in Key West, Florida. The Jesting Jousters will be back soon!

But it is not clear when the Jesting Jousters will be back. "We love their show!" said Edna Gromitson of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. "We have stayed three extra days in Key West because my husband and I are enthralled by their nightly show. The acrobatics, the jokes, the synchronized dancing--all framed by the most beautiful sunset outside of the Carolinas. They are so good that they should be in a bigger venue; I keep telling them to come to Myrtle Beach!"

"They have been great for business," said Alan Lesterson, owner of Lesterson's Crab Shack. "They have helped us recover from Elvira." When Lesterson spoke of Elvira, he was referring to the devastating hurricane that barreled through recently. "Come to our restaurant and get crabs!" he laughed and waved, as if signaling our Bluegreenplant reporter that the conversation was over.

But the conversation was not over. In preparation for the next round of the interview, the Bluegreenplant reporter stepped back to a safer distance and extended his arm with the microphone. "How would you react if I told you that the Jesting Jousters is actually Naptimez Ova! and they just turned themselves in to the FBI?"

Lesterson's face suddenly became red and he took a swing at the reporter, "How dare you tell such lies!" The reporter alertly dodged the fat fist.

Edna Gromitson reacted with a tragic look, kind of like the expression on Hamlet's face after Laertes told him that he had been poisoned by a venom-tipped sword. She sobbed, "The Jousting Jesters were about love and joy; they were not about being terrorists!"

"The Jesting Jousters," corrected the reporter.

"Shut the hell up!" she said, her southern accent suddenly becoming heavier.

According to the FBI, Naptimez Ova! turned themselves in at three o'clock in the afternoon today, right after their two o'clock show.

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Clift Barwell Shaking in his Boots

Closed circuit security video taken from inside a Studio City Starbucks restaurant captures the exact moment when actor Clift Barwell realizes that Billy Plimberton is still on the prowl.

Barwell is seen taking advantage of his fame and popularity, happily accepting a blueberry scone offered free of charge, while TV News is playing in the background. Before the lumpy baked good can be heated and handed over, the manager points at the TV and says, "Oh my god! That robot didn't arrest Plimberton! It saved the lost boy! The little kid is rescued!"

A pale barista pops up from behind the counter and responds, "That's technology!" She has a nose-ring and a partially visible tattoo of Puncheon Seven, the famous robot dolphin, on her upper chest and neck. "Robotics is growing by leaps and...Wait a minute. So, if that's not Plimberton, then ..."

"Shit!" exclaims Barwell. He squeezes his grande non-fat latte, spraying hot lactose all over the place. He turns and knocks down a display filled with dark chocolate coated graham crackers and Madeleine cookies. The blueberry scone will go uneaten. He looks toward the television and freezes like a rabbit in the headlights.

The news reporter walks towards the camera and pauses thoughtfully. "So it's a tearful, happy ending that begs the question--Where is the real Billy Plimberton, leader of Naptimez Ova!?"

At this point the video in a video comes to an end when another employee turns off the TV.  The remainder of the security video takes on a tone that is both humorous and tragic. Barwell runs face-flat into a wall and knocks himself out, providing fodder for countless cruel memes.

Barwell has stated in various interviews that he is afraid that Plimberton and his gang are out to kill him for, as he put it, "their misguided perception of him as a deadbeat dad years ago on the Children Who Need Help Orphanage reality show."

Saturday, October 20, 2018

Candidates Declare Truce

Two candidates for state assembly declared a truce in order to come together and participate in a production of a public service announcement: Saving The Children.

The Democratic and Republican candidates vying for the California state assembly position in district 81 agreed not to use their names in the commercial, to eliminate any possible charges of electioneering.

Arm in arm they stood in front of the smoke-damaged double-wide where little Todd Howard Jefferton was rescued by Hubert the Police Robot. Their script went like this:

Democrat: We have come together in order to save the kids plain and simple.

Republican: Parents, don't let your kids dress themselves. Go through their backpacks, check their online history. It could save their lives.

Together: Don't let them participate in the Naptimez Ova! Challenge!

Announcer: Little Todd Howard Jefferton was almost killed because he and some of his friends thought it would be fun to dress up like Billy Plimberton. It isn't funny.

Together: Kids. Say no to the Naptimez Ova! Challenge. It's not fun if it's risking your lives.

The Naptimez Ova! Challenge has been the rage at middle schools all over the country. Since mid-summer, hundreds of kids have been beat up by police because they were mistaken for fugitive terrorist Billy Plimberton.

At the end of the video the two candidates shake hands and return to their respective corners.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Tearful Mother and Child Reunion

All the characters of this Pacoima, California neighborhood were out with their cell phones recording the homecoming of little Todd Howard Jefferton. When his mom couldn't pick him up due to last minute car trouble, an LA County sheriff was dispatched to escort the young man to a lovely, modest home embraced by the welcoming aroma of all his favorite foods.

The door of the police cruiser swung open and it was all hugs, kisses, and emotion. Until the boy's mother held him at arm's length and took inventory of what he was wearing. She palmed the orange hat and scrunched it off his head in one motion. "What the hell are you wearing that for!? How many times do I have to tell you--you aren't allowed to wear that stuff!"

The child tried to explain, but his mother took a flip-flop off her left foot and raised it in the air, preparing to strike the boy.

Little Todd Howard Jefferton broke from her grip and high-tailed it back to the police car. She followed after him awkwardly with one shoe and began slapping the windows of the locked vehicle. Additional units had to be called because of all the yelling.

Apparently, the lad had been playing a game which his mother had expressly forbidden him to play. He had been playing the Naptimez Ova! Challenge.

Now Mulch Park Posse Needs a Lawyer

Brandon DeMarcus, a public defender assigned to the Mulch Park Seven, formerly known as the Mulch Park Posse, has quit in disgust after interviewing his recently assigned clients. "I am sorry. They are too stupid. They held poor little Todd Howard Jefferton hostage for over a week under the mistaken idea that they had captured America's most wanted criminal. Couldn't they tell the difference between a terrorist and a middle school kid?"

In his defense, Brad Dorfman, the recently identified posse leader who previously had several run ins with the LAPD, shouted a few words of explanation at reporters during his perp-walk. He stated, "That damn kid looks just like the Plimberton on our deck of cards."

His wife, now officially identified as Betsy Dorfman, saw things a little differently. She was totally unwilling to admit that the kidnapping was a mistake. As she was transferred from a police van to the woman's jail, she jerked towards the microphone held by a Bluegreenplant reporter and got so close that her spit flew on to it as she shouted, "I want a DNA test! I am sure that is Billy Plimberton! We want to see his birth certificate!"

Both Brad and Betsy Dorfman are to face extra charges because of their previous bragging on camera claiming credit for being the leaders of the gang. It is rumored that the rest of the Mulch Park Seven have agreed to cooperate with the prosecution in their case against the ringleaders.

When contacted for additional comment, the public defender was not at home. His landlady, however, told Bluegreenplant that DeMarcus had gone on a trip to Mexico to drink some beers in the sun.

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Mulch Park Posse Leader Reunited with Posse

The twice tazed Mulch Park Posse leader, who was recently released on a bail bond reportedly paid for by actor Clift Barwell, entered his organization's rented double wide trailer just in time to be bombarded by tear gas canisters fired by the LA Sheriff's Department. As soon as the county cops discovered that the vigilante heroes were in their jurisdiction, they made their move.

After posse members refused to hand over fugitive terrorist Billy Plimberton,  rockets packed with the compound 2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile tear gas made a graceful arc through three of the four windows. "Now we just wait," said Lieutenant Rogerson, the officer in charge of the perimeter.

Sure enough, the whole posse came barreling out of the structure, which crackled and smoked like an old firework that didn't go off exactly as planned. After a head-count, all but the prisoner were accounted for and a new ultra-modern robot officer was dispatched to secure Plimberton. The robot officer, called Hubert, marched directly into the sputtering and smoky structure without fear nor any other emotion. 

Upon his return, as Hubert approached television cameras, it simultaneously hit both TV viewers and the massive cop presence on the perimeter. The prisoner was not Billy Plimberton, as previously thought. The fearless robot carried little Todd Howard Jefferton in his arms. The little boy was free, and crying his eyes out with emotion. This nightmare which has gripped the city was over. He was rescued.

There was not a dry eye in the house.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Proof of Life from Clift Barwell

Clift Barwell's Twitter feed suddenly sprung to life today, thrilling fans the world over. Hashtag #He'sOk has been the top trending hashtag since the tweet. The tone Clift Barwell took was somewhat unusual for a big Hollywood star. He didn't mention that he survived a mortar attack at a party in his honor, and he didn't even plug his upcoming hit movie, Country Judge--The Movie. Instead, he used his star power to help others.

I salute the good work of the Mulch Park Posse," he tweeted. "The world owes them a debt of gratitude for fighting terror and making the world safer. Now, it is incumbent that they continue to help the community. They have a unique ability to fight evil and get things done. Mulch Park Posse! Please get out there and find little Todd Howard Jefferton!"

Todd Howard Jefferton is the little boy who disappeared into thin air when he rode his bicycle a couple of blocks to buy a shake and a burger. His guilt-ridden mother was encouraged by famed psychic, Estelita, to seek out the Mulch Park Posse for help.

A high-profile request from Clift Barwell? Impossible to ignore. There is hope. In a day and age of cheap publicity stunts, it is noteworthy to point out the selflessness and bravery of Clift Barwell, a true hero.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Mulch Park Posse Posts Plimberton Confession

A person identified as a scared-shitless Billy Plimberton appears on a video segment recently released by the Mulch Park Posse. In the video, he sits on the floor and scrunches his legs up against his chest in an effort to hide his face in shame by pushing it against his knees. A floodlight is focused on his orange baseball cap as an unnamed interrogator shouts questions in an authoritative tone. "Do you confess to the mortar attack on the celebration at the home of Steven Speigleman?"
 
"I confess," squeeked out a meek and defeated voice.

"Do you confess to the theft of that painting from the Huntington Museum?"

"I confess."

One more question remained before the video cut off. It was a bombshell. It seemed the interrogator asked it almost as an afterthought. "Do you know the whereabouts of Little Todd Howard Jefferton?!"

"I, I, I, I, I, I..."

Do you know the whereabouts of Little Todd Howard Jefferton?!"

"I do!"

At this point the video loses focus and muffled voices seem to be discussing whether or not to hand the prisoner over to the FBI.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Frantic Mother Begs Mulch Park Posse for Help

The frantic mother of little Todd Howard Jefferton, the kid who disappeared last week while buying a burger and a shake, has appeared on media outlets begging the Mulch Park Posse to use their expertise to find her missing child.

As of the time of this report, she has not received any response. When a Bluegreenplant reporter asked her if she had seen the fiasco with the Posse and the LAPD and the tasers, she said that she had not.

The mother of little Todd Howard Jefferton was urged to call the Mulch Park Posse by Estelita, the famous psychic who has seemed to be on a roll recently.

It should be noted that the longer these disappearances go on, the lower the likelihood of recovering the child.

LAPD Chief Orders Mulch Park Posse to Hand Over Prisoner

A self-identified leader of the Mulch Park Posse tried to flee after finding himself for the second time in two weeks surrounded by LAPD cops. The still anonymous man pivoted in an awkwardly overweight way and shouted, "No LAPD! We only do business with the FBI!"

He had nowhere to go as the police ordered him to freeze.

"No! I don't want to freeze! Why should I freeze?!" he responded--and in unison, three officers fired their tasers on full stun.

The posse leader's eyes opened wide and his cheeks inflated like a puffer fish. The limited amount of hair on his head stood out in all directions and and smoke wafted from the countless split ends. Before he fell backward on to some garbage cans near the exit of the studio where he had just appeared on TV, his arms and legs extended forming his body into the shape of a starfish. The crashing sound prompted other posse members to back off. The man was some kind of a short-circuiting marionette, all in a cloud of ozone and smoke.

As the officers argued about whose cruiser would be used to transport the prisoner to the station, Bluegreenplant jumped at the opportunity to ask the woman who had previously identified herself as the leader's wife about what was going to happen.

"Oh," she said. "No problem. We will be happy to hand Plimberton over to the LAPD."

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Mulch Park Posse Snubbed by FBI

One of the self-proclaimed leaders of the Mulch Park Posse has called a press conference to air complaints about the FBI not returning phone calls. "We have Plimberton. He's on the FBI most wanted list. We want to hand him over. So why the hell doesn't the FBI return our calls?! We had to go on the internet and fill in a form and nobody from the local or national office has called us. What do we have to do? Chop the prisoner up into little pieces and send him in by FedEx?!"

The posse leader looked very angry. He was revving up for an additional rant, and another self-proclaimed leader, this time a woman, grabbed the microphone out of his hands. He looked puzzled, as if he thought it had disappeared into thin air.

The woman spoke in a calmer tone. She sounded as if she had gotten more sleep the night before than the man, who she identified as her husband. "Um, me and some other posse members just figured out that my genius husband gave the FBI the number from his cell phone that hasn't worked for a week. So, we are going to try sending them a working phone number and see what happens. We have been video taping our interrogations of Plimberton and so far he has confessed to five major crimes, including stealing a painting from the museum and the attack on that party in Beverly Hills. Stay tuned. It'll be all coming out soon. God dammit!"

She said Goddammit because her husband had made an unsuccessful grab at the microphone and apparently knocked her in the left breast with an awkward elbow.

The Bluegreenplant reporter decided at this point to cut the interview short and not ask any questions about possibilities of the posse assisting in the search for the missing California child, Todd Howard Jefferton, until later.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Bluegreenplant acts as Fly on the Wall as Estelita Facetimes Frantic Mother

Due to its high prestige and standing in the news media world, The Blue Green Power Plant was the only news organization allowed in the room when famed psychic, Estelita, spoke by internet video to the distraught mother of little Todd Howard Jefferton, the kid who disappeared mysteriously as if into thin air when he left home by himself on his bicycle to ride two blocks in order to buy a burger and a shake.

The reception was fuzzy quality--not at all like the iPhone commercial. Still, the two communicating parties were successful in their mission.

"I am much calmer, now that Estelita has assured me that my little child is still alive. She even gave me tips as to how I can get him back. I am so happy. She sounded so sure and sincere!" This time the tears were tears of joy. She seemed so convinced, that one would have thought that the child was safely in her arms; this was not the case. As a matter of fact, the longer these missing child cases stretch out, the more likely it is that the child is never found.

Estelita seemed to want to cut the call short when Little Todd's mother began blubbering with tears. Her exact words were. "Stop crying or I will not tell you how to get him back."

The tears stopped and the room became so quiet that the faint hum of a tiny, clandestine, Chinese chip could be heard listening in on the silence from deep inside the device.

Estelita broke that silence. "If you want to find your son, you must call the Mulch Park Posse."

As everyone knows, the Mulch Park Posse are suddenly the heroes de rigueur. It seems as if there's nothing they can't do. They have recently been all over the news, receiving kudos for their recent capture of fugitive terrorist, Billy Plimberton.

Tuesday, October 09, 2018

Estelita Comes out of the Woodwork

Famed Florida Psychic, Estelita, has emerged from self-imposed absence months after being found not guilty in her trial for helping a terrorist organization. She appeared first on a local TV News station and her story was quickly picked up by the national media.

"Estelita has offered her talents to locate the missing California boy, Todd Howard Jefferton," said lawyer Barry Wheatsonburg. There was no shortage of quips from the press about her timing in hiring a lawyer.

"I just want to offer my assistance to the parents, who must be heartbroken to lose a child."

Little Todd Howard Jefferton disappeared from the face of the earth a week ago, when he told his mom he was going out to buy a burger and a shake with the money he earned mowing the neighbor's lawn. "I gave him permission because he just had to ride his bicycle a couple of blocks," she said through tears. "God knows only if he is alive or dead! I am a single mother. He is all I've got!" At this point she was blubbering and TV cameras had to be turned off because they were steaming up.

Oh, he is alive," responded Estelita with a calming energy--from the other side of the country.

Some claimed that Estelita was just trying to get publicity; others, including the mother, were grateful for any help they could get.

As is par for the course, the longer these kids stay missing, the lower the odds of ever finding them.

Monday, October 08, 2018

Graphologist's Activities Spell Trouble For Investigators

Famed graphologist, Guraku Gakusha, has defied a  warrant by FBI Investigator Giles Gullard, because he is scared. Official word is that he has returned to Japan to visit family, but the scatter around the airports in both Burbank and Yokohama is that he feels safer in the island nation that lost World War Two. "I know the guy," said chef Ronnie Lawson of The Turnip and Prawn restaurant in Altadena. "As a matter of fact, I am the reason he went into graphology. We went to cooking school together and I was so good that he lost confidence and switched to graphology."

When a Bluegreenplant reporter asked why he thought Gakusha felt safer in Japan, Lawson puffed up his chest and said with a lot of authority, "In Japan there aren't so many nuts running around with guns. Plus, the gangsters are super easy to spot because they all have their little finger cut off."

Bluegreenplant then pointed out that Plimberton had been captured by the Mulch Park Posse.

"And the twelve apostles? What about them?" He was referring to the remaining members of Naptimes Ova! who were still free. "Listen, Guraku Gakusha thinks he is safer in Japan. I know cause he told me, Guraku has a lot more faith in his martial arts skills when he is in Japan because that's where he practiced when he was a little kid. He's too nervous around here."

Word is that Gullard may have to build his case without testimony of a key witness.

Sunday, October 07, 2018

Mulch Park Posse Captures Billy Plimberton

The Mulch Park Posse, a vigilante group from Mulch Park, Nebraska has posted video on Twitter which they purport to be Billy Plimberton captured and handcuffed with duct tape. "We have had some bad experiences with the LA cops, so we insist that the FBI show themselves so we can turn in this terrorist to them," a woman said. In the video, Plimberton can be seen wearing sunglasses and an orange hat, crouched down in a fetal position and crying.

When asked how they managed to capture the most famous fugitive in the world, a large woman, self-described as the leader, laid out the operation. "OK. Prayer works. It's as simple as that. And keeping your eyes open. And never taking a break. So we were all thirsty so we went into a Jack in the Box restaurant and there he was, stuffing his face. I knew that face right off the bat. I had memorized that face. I knew it by heart because, in preparation for this gig, we made a deck of cards with all of the members of Naptimez Ova! on the cards. We played cards constantly on the days on the road.  Plimberton was the king of spades, the jack of hearts, and the two of clubs!"

"Did he put up much resistance?" asked a Bluegreenplant reporter.

"Not at all. We just surrounded his table and said that we were going to put his head in the deep fryer if he didn't come along quietly. That got his attention. He froze and we cuffed him and walked him to our posse van."

The Bluegreenplant reporter asked to interview Plimberton, but the self-described leader just laughed and continued where she had left off. "We threw him in the back and it was bad cop-worse cop. We told him that we were the Mulch Park Posse and he had no rights. You don't deserve any rights if you go and bomb a party where everyone's favorite stars are trying to enjoy themselves." At this point, the woman asked for directions to Griffith Park and then the interview seemed to be over.

Tuesday, October 02, 2018

Mulch Park Posse Fans Out Over Southern California

Armed to the teeth, the Mulch Park Posse has appeared in Southern California after swearing an oath on Youtube "to never rest until the terrorist Plimberton and his gang are rounded up and eliminated." Results, so far, have been mixed. "We have been bewildered by the freeway system and the streets seem to be randomly named. In Mulch Park navigation is much more logical," said a self-proclaimed leader who wished to remain anonymous.

When a Bluegreenplant reporter asked why they don't navigate with a smartphone app, the posse leader became testy and shouted, "My phone burnt out when your LA cops tazered me."

When asked why he was tazed, the posse member really flew off the handle, "Listen! You are protecting terrorists! The cops are protecting terrorists! and I haven't slept for three days and a half!"

As the posse leader muttered in incoherence, the Bluegreenplant reporter edged away. Our interviewee had apparently been abandoned by his fellow posse members. He continued ranting alone in a picnic shelter in the old zoo location in Griffith Park.

The last time Bluegreenplant reporters caught up with the Mulch Park Posse, it was in the Florida Everglades, where a couple of posse members got stuck in the mud and were arguing with each other. During that excursion, their efforts to capture Plimberton came up zilch.