Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Graphologist Jittery

Famed graphologist, Guraku Gakusha, has admitted to feeling very jittery since a local reporter detected an ominious figure in the studio audience of a show where Gakusha was a featured guest.

Ormiga Hernandez, a reporter for the Canoga Park Chronicle, used facial recognition technology to follow up on a hunch about Gakusha's recent appearance on the Dr Phillip show. "I was watching the show, and as they panned across the audience, I got this weird feeling that I should take a closer look, so I did just that," said Hernandez.

By repeatedly scanning various segments of video tape, the computer identified one audience member who was wearing sunglasses, an orange baseball cap, and not smiling at all. According to Hernandez, "The computer is 99.9% sure that the guy in the orange hat is Billy Plimberton. He was right there in the audience."

The Bluegreenplant reporter mimed the tipping of an imaginary hat and shook hands with the Canoga Park reporter, "Nice reporting," he said, "I tip my hat to you."

"Thanks," the Canoga Park journalist responded. "Oh, and one more thing."

"Yes, I know." The Bluegreenplant reporter rolled his eyes, stuck out his tongue, and mimed a knife going across his throat. "You must be scared."

"Scared? What do you mean?"

"No, no, nothing. What were you going to say?"

"Well, there's just one more detail I wanted to share with you."

"Yes?"

"When Dr Phillip walked out of the studio with Robin, the guy didn't even applaud."

Plimberton was the culprit identified by Gakusha as the author of the threatening graffiti which appeared a few days before the Speigleman mansion was obliterated by mortar fire.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Country Judge TV Show Cancelled for Sure This Time

The president of the network has cancelled the hit TV show Country Judge starring Judge Marcus Cludderman, in spite of high ratings and lots of chatter in the gossip papers. "I had to cancel the show to save lives," stated TV President Harrison Cornwalsh. "It is as simple as that. Judge Cludderman was going crazy with power and I had to pull the plug."

TV President Cornwalsh was referring to the previous episode when an ill-humored Judge Cludderman sentenced an actor to death by hanging. The execution took place without a hitch, carried out by subcontractors hired by the state of California.

Cludderman's mood may not get better any time soon. Witnesses stated that he was "pissed off" because he was not chosen to play himself in the movie version of his show. One witness overheard him at the next urinal talking to himself about how much he hated the actor chosen to play him in the movie. He repeatedly called him a high falutin'piece of shit. That actor, is Clift Barwell.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Graphologist Identifies Author of Threatening Threats

Today, at a taping of the Dr. Phillip Show in Los Angeles, renowned Graphologist, Guraku Gakusha, identified the author of threats written in blood-red spray-paint on the security perimeter wall at the home of famed movie director, Steven Speigleman. The phrase Heads Will Roll was written in a very neat, but childish scrawl exactly 170 times. A few days after the threats appeared, the mansion was obliterated by mortar fire.

"I understand that after careful study you have determined that you can identify with up to 99.9 percent surety who this sick minded lowlife is. Isn't that so?" asked Dr. Phillip.

"I am even more sure than that," stated Gakusha. "The sick minded individual who wrote that graffiti was Billy Plimberton, the leader of Naptimez Ova! Terrorist group."

"I knew it!" responded Dr. Phillip.

The audience applauded and they broke for a commercial.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Judge Cludderman's Order Carried Out

At two o'clock PM today, Judge Marcus Cludderman's order of execution was carried out and actor Jim Minchener was executed on the gallows in Sacramento, California. The news stunned many citizens who had not seen the episode of Country Judge from the previous week.

"I never watch that show. As a matter of fact, it sucked every time I've watched it. I can't believe they would give that judge such power," stated a capitol groundskeeper who kicked garbage into some hedges as he insisted he remain anonymous. He wore coveralls which identified him as an employee for a private subcontractor hired by the state government. "Now you're telling me that a goddamned TV judge can have you killed? That takes the cake, it does!"

Minchener was described as almost jovial on his walk to the resurrected gallows in the Schwarzenegger Building, which is normally used for keeping tarps. "I think he thought it was part of the show," said Oscar Holman, a security guard from a private company contracted by the state. "His last words were something about his left side being his good side."  Holman acted as de-facto executioner. "I wasn't about to tell him it wasn't a TV show. I didn't want him to throw himself down on the ground and beg for his life or something."

When asked if he had any misgivings about the killing, Holman stated, "It wasn't a killing, it was an execution. Hell, he was found guilty, so I didn't kill him. He killed himself by breaking the law. What did he do anyway?"

Many voices have pointed out that it truly seems to be a harsh sentence for a man convicted of neglecting to pay his friend back on a loan for bail. It seems that the timing of his trial was unfavorable and sentencing came up at a time when the judge was in a particularly disagreeable mood.

Minchener is survived by his two parents, Leon and Scarlett Michener of Costa Mesa, California, with whom he still had been living. His father shook his head as he murmured in a low voice that Minchener, on his next birthday, was due to collect on a multi-million dollar trust fund from his deceased grandfather who made a fortune in the toxic chemical business.




Sunday, September 16, 2018

Speigleman's Security Forces Pass the Buck

The fans of Country Judge--The Movie are not being offered any mea culpas from security forces in the wake of the explosive fiasco at the Speigleman mansion last week. On the contrary, the smoke has not cleared and security is already insisting it was not their fault. A particularly intimidating group, all of whom had either worked as extras or performed bit parts in the Mad Max movie franchise, was unable to prevent the horrific carnage and destruction at the mansion, which now smolders like a low-budget post-nuclear movie set.

A tall and muscular actor and former MMA fighter, identified only as Orta, insists that the blame for the destruction goes directly on the graphologist who was hired to interpret the handwriting of the spray-painted blood-red graffiti on the wall outside of Steven Speigleman's mansion. "All I can say is that he had plenty of time to identify the threatener," said Orta. "He's sitting on his hands. Everyone knows it is Plimberton and all he had to do was identify Plimberton as the threatener and we would have gone after him like a bat out of Hell and took him out." He seemed a little antsy in his leather muscle shirt and chain mail crotch protector. "Our hands were tied. We could not do nothing on our own because we were under contract and awaiting orders from our associate producer who maybe was blown to pieces for all we know--orders which we never got because of a slow-ass graphologist."

"What went through your head when the first mortar hit?" asked the Bluegreenplant reporter.

"I'll tell you what I was thinking," Orta responded while thumping his chest. "I was thinking that I want to tear Billy Plimberton apart in a cage-match. Hell, I don't give a damn if he saved that jury member on TV. I know for a fact that he hates Clift Barwell. I am 120% sure that it's him."

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Stupid Kid Thought Mortars Were Fireworks and Didn't Get Scared

The aphorism: God Protects Stupid Idiots really rang true when a reporter from The Blue Green Power Plant did a short interview with teenaged Youtube Blogger, Tad Baked outside of the remains of Hollywood director Steven Speigleman's Hollywood Hills mansion, which was attacked by heavy mortar fire after the announcement that Clift Barwell will be playing the role of Country Judge Cludderman in the upcoming blockbuster picture, Country Judge--The Movie.

When asked how he survived the onslaught, Baked sported a quizzical and at the same time blank expression. He reached into his designer jacket pocket and pulled out three Buffalo Chicken Wings, wrapped in a napkin which had dissolved into greasy flecks of paper. "I don't know," he responded as he picked off the flecks. After a few bites on the first wing, it jumped from his fingers. He first fumbled after it, and then let it fall. The bones, tendons, and gnawed meat spiraled down with a flapping streamer greasy skin and bounced into the rocky mulch of the garden path. The teen first kicked dirt, and then stepped on it as if he were doing a violent dance move, smashing it flat into the ground. He commented, "Oh, wow. Now it's two dimensional," and just stared at the carnage. "That was once a chicken, I mean walking around, clucking and shit." The reporter waited patiently, with the microphone still in front of Baked's face. Finally, Baked seemed to remember that he was doing an interview. He smiled and said, "What does onslaught mean anyway?"

The Bluegreenplant reporter tried his best to describe the situation, and even pointed out landmarks which were not there anymore.

"Oh! Like are you kidding me, bro?! I thought that was a fireworks show!" The suddenly animated kid tried to grasp the microphone with his greasy hands, but the Bluegreenplant reporter would not relinquish. "Anyway, that movie's gonna be dope! It's my favorite TV show, so the movie's bound to be even better. Dow Jones! Am I right?"

At this point the reporter had to venture into the smoky destruction and find someone more interesting to interview.

Before this doomed party, it was unknown if Clift Barwell was alive or dead. Now, until the smoke clears, the same applies, again.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Mortar Fire Rains Down on Speigleman Compound

A joyous and welcoming celebration of a future Oscar was converted into a pock-marked and rubble-filled mess as a barrage of huge, military-grade mortars exploded in the middle of the dance floor at the Country Judge--The Movie rollout party. Panicked people pushed one another out of the way as confusion obscured rational thought. "It was terrible. There is fire and smoke and all the water was blown out of the pool, as far as I can tell. I lost my phone. Can someone call 911?" shouted a man in a tree overhanging the wall which was recently painted over to cover the ominous words: heads will roll, written one-hundred-seventy times in blood-red spray-paint.

A first responder, Jake Turner, a fireman who also works as an extra in shows such as The Price is Right and CSI Los Angeles, described the situation this way: "All F***ing hell has broken loose! We're all going to die."

It seemed as if he was on the verge of saying more, but suddenly all communication lines were cut when a news helicopter ran out of fuel and crashed into the mansion.

Police are said to be on their way so that they can investigate the cause of this nightmare during the day.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

You Won't Believe Who Will Play Judge Cludderman In Country Judge--The Movie

The cast of Country Judge--The Movie is set. The contracts have been signed and the lead actors are rumored to be making record setting paychecks. "This production will make Cecil B. DeMille roll over in his grave with envy. We are pulling out all the stops," announced director Steven Speigleman with a flourish of his arm.

He seemed to be teasing his audience, an unprecedented gathering of Hollywood brass, top tier talent, and dignitaries. They clapped politely to the announcement of Will Smith playing the part of bailiff Ronny Hines. When Speigleman announced the lead, the audience looked as if they had seen a ghost. The same audible gasp traveled through the throats of everyone there when Speigleman gestured with a slosh of his margarita and the star marched out from behind the curtain with pride, confidence, and swagger--like a man who was definitely ready for his big role. It was Clift Barwell, looking strong, healthy and tanned. It was a man who obviously had been making the best of his gym membership.

"I love you all," he said, casually holding on to a bottle of Fiji Water with a slice of lime. "I'm back, and you will definitely not be disappointed. I have read the script and it is up to my standards, of extremely high quality, outstanding! So good I just had to say yes to the project!"

To a standing ovation, Speigleman clinked his margarita glass with what remained of his drink up against Barwell's bottle of water. "We have all the top people. I tell you, if this mic weren't so expensive, I would drop it!"

Friday, September 07, 2018

Truly a Night to Remember

A lively, boozy party with extremely high security got rolling full speed. Celebrants and celebrities, smoking cigars, wined and dined on Shrimp Thermador, Boxed Steaks flown in from Wyoming, and Champagne from a French freighter in Long Beach.  Millionaires watched a synchronized show of Disney-type characters  treading water in the pool and cell phones chimed and buzzed incessantly along with the retro sounds of Randal Jay and the AlChemists. Then the DJ began chanting, "Here come de judge." It soon would be time for the announcement of the actor who would be playing the starring role in the new, upcoming Country Judge the Movie movie.

Truly, a night to remember in Hollywood history.

Thursday, September 06, 2018

Judge Cludderman Not Folksy

Today on the TV show, Country Judge, the star--Judge Cludderman--was in no mood for banter from the plaintiffs and defendants. When the defendant used the term scare crow as instructed by the producer, it was supposed to serve as a cue for Cludderman to tell a folksy story about how he worked as a scarecrow during the summers of his youth, and how work builds character.

Unfortunately, he was having none of that. Cludderman went off script. "You don't know shit about scarecrows, city boy! Why don't you just hire a mannequin from damn Macy's to replace the scarecrow!"

Both the plaintiff and defendant froze and looked to each other helplessly for guidance. Cludderman banged a brick on his desk, a brick he had picked up to replace his gavel which broke during the Estelita case. It shot off chips and dust and increased the depth of the dent which was already there. "I hearby sentence you to death by hanging!" Death by hanging! It was simply a case of two guys who were no longer friends because one of them borrowed money for bail and then refused to pay it back, insisting that it was a gift. Nobody expected a death sentence.

The courtroom was aghast. An extra who works as a regular in the gallery was overheard mentioning to the young woman on his right that he noticed alcohol on the judge's breath when he walked past him backstage before the show. The young woman nodded, but didn't look up from her cell phone. Suddenly, she pointed at the screen and gasped. The device was open to The Gossip Sheet website"Look, they have decided on who will play Judge Cludderman in the movie version of this show! Do you think that's the reason he is so touchy?"

Meanwhile, in Nebraska, Mulch Park's Farm Country TV has aired an editorial begging Cludderman to return. The editorial's message was that homesickness in the big city was inevitable and it was time for him to come home.

Wednesday, September 05, 2018

High Security For Cast Announcement

"We recruited the toughest security force possible for our upcoming event," announced film director, Steven Speigleman. Ultra high security has been imported from the the latest Mad Max movie franchise to protect the upcoming celebration to announce the cast of the new Country Judge, the Movie, which is said to be ahead of schedule in production. The event is to be live streamed on Speigleman's Countryjudgethemovie.com as well as on the live-streaming channel Bongo!.

"There have been several threats, which we have decided to treat as realistic," said Speigleman. "The safety of our guests is numero uno."

When asked how many threats, Speigleman wavered and then vocalized, "One hundred and seventy."

Apparently the community has been freaking out with fear and terror. Several threatening calls have been traced by the Los Angeles Police Department, but the results were inconclusive. Graphologists are analyzing the penmanship of the graffiti on the wall around the perimeter of Speigleman's mansion where the words heads will roll were spray painted in blood-red paint. The graphologists' deliberative process is frustrating the locals, who want an arrest. Detectives from the logistics squad are gathering and studying various clues, one of which is a pair of initials scrawled at the end of the panoramic threat. The initials are BP.

"I want an arrest made as soon as possible," said a jumpy Speigleman. "I can't live like this!"

Naptimez Ova! Spotted in Golden State

A telephone operator in the Western Region FBI Office has burned her hand from answering the hotline for most wanted fugitives. Mandy O'Connor recently posted a list of confidential Naptimez Ova! spottings which were reported to the California based FBI office. The Facebook post was accompanied by a comment of, "So many calls to the hotline that I have to put my hand in a bowl of ice water! LOL!"

According to the list, which has subsequently been taken down, Plimberton and his gang have been sighted in Rocks National Park, the San Leandro Playhouse Theater, Michio's Japanese Garden, the Yreka Bakery, and in a Mexican restaurant in the center of their LA registered gang territory. All of the sightings are based on eye-witness testimony, which is known to take precedence over other forms of evidence in interstate investigations.

Tuesday, September 04, 2018

Police Raid Almost Nabs Naptimez Ova!

A multi-agency law enforcement raid occupied the news cycle for several hours today, in spite of the fact that nobody was captured. Apparently, as one officer gestured by creating a small space between his thumb and forefinger, they "missed 'um by that much."

"We were very close to capturing the entire Naptimez Ova! terrorist gang. There was a cup of coffee on the counter and some fries. They were still hot," said agent Runchly of the Miami-Dade local FBI office.

After the FBI officer walked off, a local Florida Highway Patrol trooper began eating the fries.

"Hey, aren't those evidence?" asked the Bluegreenplant reporter.

"What? These are mine! I just bought them at that food truck across the street." He sipped the coffee. "That roach coach has the best coffee in the county."

When the Bluegreenplant reporter asked about catching the terrorist group led by Billy Plimberton, the officer responded. "Oh, this raid is just for you news guys. Those Naptimez Ova! punks are in California. They are long gone from here."