Billionaire owner of The Blue Green Power Plant, William Towelamp, 63 years of age, and a prominent resident of Mulch Park, Nebraska, has been declared officially dead by the Mulch Park Diversified Insurance Company. The time of death is unclear, but it may have occurred as early as November 16, 2011, when a robot replica appeared in a courtroom impersonating Towelamp with mixed results.
Towelamp had some troubles, both legal and personal, during the latter period of his life. Not only did some voices criticize him for suing an orphanage, but he was constantly hounded by reverse-meteorites. This situation got so bad at one point that they landed him in the hospital.
Towelamp's life had more ups than downs. It was when a low point of Towelamp's life intersected with the low point of another man's life that Towelamp's journey to becoming a multi-billionaire was set into action.
When most all major news outlets reported that an unfortunate man named Hecot Smithly had been absorbed into a towel while drying himself off after a bath, many news consumers were horrified at the accident. Readership of all news, including The Blue Green Power Plant doubled during the months that Mr Smithly was trapped in the towel.
Towelamp, who was homeless at this time, scraped together enough nickles to start up a little company which produced quality towels with the image of a trapped Hecot Smithly on each towel. In the highest selling version, an uncircumcised Smithly with a panicked expression is captioned: "Get me outta here!" Towelamp's small investment led to T-shirts, socks, squeegees, and even condoms, all with the image of Hecot Smithly.
When Hecot Smithly finally gained his freedom from the prison of towel absorption, he never got a dime from Towelamp's capitalizing on his misery. Smithly has said that he never will forgive Towelamp "for being such an asshole, and will someday dance on his grave."
A memorial will be held at Saint Hortense Church on Frontage Road in Mulch Park this Thursday evening at seven o'clock. Towelamp lawyers have obtained restraining orders which stipulate that Hecot Smithly can not attend Towelamp's funeral.
Towelamp leaves behind no loved ones.