Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Rock and Roll From Out of the Blue

William Towelamp has been photographed in a semi-recumbent position with his head bandaged up like a mummy. That is the report from a nurses's assistant at Metropolitan Hospital. Bluegreenplant received exclusive report of the situation even though Mister Towelamp's condition has been kept under wraps.

Bluegreenplant has a policy of not paying sources for information and for this reason, the photo of Towelamp taken by the source was deleted in a fit of pique.

Earlier today, Towelamp pulled his car into Jake's Fender Menderz on Frontage Road and was involved in the unfortunate incident which led to his hospitalization. Jake, the owner of the establishment, provided an eye-witness account: "I seen the whole thing. The poor SOB didn't have a chance. As soon as Mister Towelamp gets out of his car, this rock comes from out of nowhere and hits him." Jake scratched his bald head, which was slightly splattered with blue auto enamel. Then he added, "Now this is where it gets weird. The rock defies gravity! It lifts up off the ground, all by itself, and hits him again. Then it turns in mid-air and goes after him some more.  At this point he's running, but it just keeps catching up with him and beating the shit out of him. I told my employee, Jeff, to call 911 and the rock stops in mid-air, like it's listening to me. Then the thing goes straight up and disappeared into the clouds."

Expert meteorologists from the University believe that Towelamp was the victim of an attack from a reverse meteorite.

Not all accounts, however, back up Jake's version of what happened. Morton Zillinger was having his car detailed next door. When asked if he had noticed the attack of the reverse meteorite, he stated, "I did not see any such thing, and believe me, I have an eye for details. I wanted to keep a close eye on the auto detailer who was cleaning my car, but I heard all this noise coming from that mechanic's parking lot. When I saw that guy with the Rolls Royce running around and panicking, I just thought some kids were throwing rocks at him from behind the fence. Wouldn't that make more sense than an advanced meteoroid or whatever you called it?"

When Metropolitan Hospital was contacted for comment on Towelamp's condition, hospital personnel insisted that he was not in the hospital.


Anonymous said...

Sir William Towelamp in the hospital? I have not heard anything about this in the mainstream news.

Bertha Collyson
Hrothgar College, Denmark

Anonymous said...

Jon Stewart should cover this story on the Daily Show.
I am going to call him right now.

-Camile Montago
Albany, NY

Anonymous said...

I never heard of a reverse meteorite before. Are you sure it wasn't those little kids hiding and throwing rocks?

Lupita Mexicali
Riverside, California